And the Letter Goes Out [via new India blog]

Hey Ya’ll!                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

It is hard to believe a whole year has already passed since I returned from India, and it has been a grace-filled one, to say the least. As many of you know, God led me to withdraw from classes and take a job in the business world just over a year ago. That was undoubtedly one of the biggest ways I’ve seen His provision, as this plan made no sense to me at the time. Around the same time, I moved out into the rolling hills of these Ozark Mountains with an incredible family from whom I have learned so much.

The move and job change have so flawlessly testified to God’s faithfulness in my life this year, as He has used this adopted family to show me such a tangible picture of His own love for me. Looking back, God has used this year to restore a lot of brokenness and solidify my own dependency in Him above all else. I am thankful it is a process, and certainly have not arrived, but I see a spirit of steadfastness growing.

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Please continue reading this post over here at LifeChange International's new blog.

In Which I Tell You I Am India Bound

It's been nearly a year now. A year since I've traveled the world and seen God sweep through the mountains of Orissa as His Holy Spirit moves in the hearts and lives of these natives. I can so vividly remember walking through the security gate at the airport in the big city after a five hour drive out of the mountains, all our gear piled high atop the cars as we Americans don't know how to leave the bathroom sink behind. I had several bags across my shoulder and full waterworks streaming down my face, passport in hand. I turned around one last time as I was next to walk through security. I smiled big and motioned one final goodbye.

I remember walking forward, passing through the metal detector and putting my shoes back on. The same ones that were still raw with that glorious red dirt that held my frame those weeks, sweat seeping between my toes. I heard the holy spirit in those moments, as He simply told me This is is just see you later. Trust me now. The plane ride back and months to follow were full of wrestling with much fear and trembling. Wrestling with trust and patience and submission, wrestling with the abundance of stuff invading my life and this American culture luring me away from the gospel, with white picket fence and all. Wrestling with waiting, the feeling stuck, with the culture shock and my salvation too.

Then Pastor Sam came to visit a while back, and I wrestled some more.

These past months have led me into living away from these eleven, learning how to walk confidently in the sufficiency of Christ at work in my life. It's been ups and downs, but the ground is looking more level then ever before and I know the Spirit is at work. Meanwhile, a season of studying my nights and weekends away as the paychecks continue to sustain through the five o' clock hour is coming to a much anticipated close. I have two more classes to go and that is a miracle far beyond my capacity or ability--and yet, here we are!

I was accepted to Thomas Edison University last week where I will transfer all my credit and complete my final two classes to come out with my Bachelors in Social Sciences in June.

In fact, that's only one of the incredible prayers answered in my life through these recent weeks. That final night of these forty days where my friend Sydney and I prayed into the desert instead of fasting, we asked God to provide the money for my tuition, to make India come up unexpectedly through the week if we were supposed to go, and for a job in Arkansas so I didn't have to move to St. Louis. We prayed a lot of other stuff too.

The next day, I witnessed God's miraculous provision of the missing $800 needed to complete my tuition costs, just taped to my car literally the week it was due and after praying it would appear in that exact location the night before. By lunchtime that day, the phone rang from an odd number. I thought it might be a potential job interview, so I picked up. An hour long phone conversation would follow with an American currently living in India, whom I had met there last year, anxious to serve this Pastor and his ministry in greater depth. I hung up the phone completely in awe of how boldly God chose to answer our prayer. Beyond, that He also confirmed India that same afternoon in a clear way to Sydney through a conversation with her dad. Later that week, God also provided a job in Arkansas. 

We met later that night and looked at each other laughing, quite histarically actually, at the unreal realization that God was indeed calling us to India! I know when I pray, I must believe it, but so many of those weeks of prayer had been spent begging Him to help my unbelief. He didn't have to reveal Himself in such tangible ways, and yet in His grace He chose to and I am so thankful and in continual awe. The next step was asking God to provide the right group to send us. There were several options presented to us, and within a week God very clearly confirmed our home church, University Baptist Church, would be sending us.

We will be heading to India for the month of July to teach English to children at this school. Beyond humbling is the fact that simply our American bodies standing in that schoolhouse will bring much creditability and provision to the school, the ministry, and these kiddos futures. We also hope to offer several outreaches to women there, possibly through bible studies, medical clinics and sex-trafficking prevention courses.

For me personally, this month will be spent seeking God and specifically asking Him to show me whether or not I am to return long term to teach and serve within this ministry. Either way, I will be coming back for a year to pay off the remainder of my school debt and continue in international ministry before I can return long term.

We will also have the opportunity to write while in India, sharing stories of what God is doing and will continue to do through our time there, allowing you to see glimpses of our journey and continue praying specifically while we are there and giving to this incredible ministry as you are led.

You know, God's provision these past weeks has been overwhelming. It's like in Hebrews 6 when God promised Abraham blessing and descendants. Abraham waited patiently and then received what God had promised. I have been waiting (though not so patiently) for these requests. And now God provided a new job, the money needed to complete college just in time to go to India, and the path clear for India with a friend to join me.

But God didn't stop there. He continues in Hebrews to explain that He wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose so clear--so He gave an oath, a promise for His heirs to hope in. That's us, ya'll!!

He said we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

Do you ever feel as though you need an anchor for your soul? I sure do. Even now as kiddos don't obey and the dishes are piled high and the laundry sits in the washer still. I have a big test this week and am fighting a cold and I just feel like it's all out of my control--I need to be anchored in something! So what are we to anchor our souls in, beyond His immediate provision of things in this world?

Hebrews goes on to tell us that this promise enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our fore rummer Jesus had entered on our behalf. We are to be anchored in the promise of Jesus, the fore runner gone ahead and coming back still.

So as incredibly humbled as I am in God's provision of so much this week, I am realizing I can't hope only in this temporal provision He offers. We rejoice, yes!! But what if God chose to use me in St. Louis rather then Arkansas? What if God did not provide the money for school the next day, but it took several months? He doesn't always answer us the way we choose or expect. So we can't only place our hope in these answered prayers, even when He does chose to answer them in a big way for His glory.

But we CAN hope in the unshifting promise, the provision, still coming--JESUS. And it is with that desire we fly across the world to bring the good news. The news that Jesus is the one to fulfill, the one who allows us to hope in the inner sanctuary. That Christ is anchoring us in Himself until He comes.

In His grace He offers us glimpses--like making a way for us to go to India. But ultimately we hope in the promise that He is coming!!

You can catch up on clips of my India journey last year through this South Asia link. There will be support letters coming soon and we are are so grateful for the way the body of Christ continues to surround us, pray with us, and confirm what God is doing.

              My sister, friend, and the one crazy enough to join me on this journey to India!! 

In Which I Have a New Job

The past six weeks of unemployment have challenged me in ways unending.

Just two weeks ago, in fact, I began packing up my life here in Arkansas to head northbound to St. Louis where I was offered a place to stay with my best friend and her new twin boys (and the Mr. of course). St. Louis made a lot of sense as I will graduate in June and just need a filler job until then, at which point I can attain the "dream job" whatever the heck that means! 

Plus, I was relieved to have a back up plan after the 30+ jobs I'd applied for ignored my emails and calls. I didn't see then what God was requiring. And I can see now how miserably I failed that test. How often I forget He is trustworthy and fully in control [especially when I'm not, amen?]

Yesterday I started my new job as "nanny" and then some to three boys. 

Just two days before I was to depart for St. Louis, I was offered an interview for a nanny position in Arkansas. I interviewed the following night and was offered the job the day after. In the meantime, I still kept my plans to go to St. Louis and interview there as well, though I knew on the drive up it would be a short trip as I was pulling away from my "home" in the rolling hills (that I once called mountains) of the natural state.

See that was much of the wrestling and not trusting--this place has become my home these past three years and I couldn't imagine calling it quits quite yet. [Despite desperately missing my family in St. Louis.]

God used the trip to confirm the door He'd opened back South was indeed the one I should walk on through. So barely a day into my trip, I accepted the position. The reactions of those close to me were a little bitter mixed with a lot a sweet, as most I trust knew it was the answered prayer we'd been believing for.

Tonight, as I sit here physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained, covered in spit up and various combinations of peas and carrots with a couple layers of paint, chalk, and dog hair to top it off---well let's just say I can't do much but laugh at the reality that this is what many prayers answered looks like in all it's glory. I am reminded God's "working all things together for our good" takes on odd shapes and sizes at times, yet He is working indeed.

As much as I need a shower right now, I am equally confident of His provision of this position for my good. 

I always thought these concepts of God "equipping us for the calling" and "training us in death to self" were ones I would wrestle through prior to moving across the world for the sake of the gospel. Instead I'm seeing it as I re-define the word "time-out" for boys quite fluent in disobedience [and absolute melt downs]. In the way eating my lunch around three this afternoon was a victory celebrated. I'm seeing it in the way my "Tot School" qualifications can be found on my Pinterst wall. How I yelled when my perfectly clean kitchen took a thick layer of red play-dough to the rug this afternoon [and fought to hold back the tears while I scrubbed]. And I see it in the way that the lady at the bookstore today asked me if they were twins and bent down to help as I juggled the baby and his buggy of gear too. She smiled and told me they were precious--and I gritted my teeth and replied yes ma'am, they are.

And you know what? They really are. It's a part of the dying that God is teaching me at the close of this day two. A little spit up and few melt downs doesn't change that. Nor does the suffering I feel when six o' clock feels centuries away. Neither does the fact that they are just my job. They are gifts from the Lord and for this season of time, they are my gifts for these fifty hours of the week. God has entrusted me with them--so have their unbelieving parents. And He commands me to be faithful.

Yesterday I connected with the mom of these boys over her previous hurts from the Catholic church. She explained to me she is excited for the twins to be in school in the fall--school in a church because they need something spiritual, even she can't give it to them. And God reminds me--Courtney, I have chosen this family to employ you for reasons far exceeding your need for a check at the end of the week. This morning I met another mom at story time and she just moved here from India. What a blessing my time with her was. Another reminder the Word is living and active here too.

Today, God didn't need me preaching in India. He needed me at Barnes and Noble for story time in Rogers, Arkansas with two boys attached to my legs and another slobbering in my arms. He needed me to sit cross-legged on the floor of this bookstore feeding the baby a bottle beside a mom from India while the boys shared a bench up front.

I wasn't ever quite convinced changing diapers and teaching the alphabet was a worthy calling until they were my own one day. Today, God ever so gently reminded me that taking up my cross to follow Him is the only worthy calling. 

So tomorrow, picking up my cross is asking these boys to forgive me for yelling over spilled play-dough. It's singing of Christ's love while I change the baby's diaper. It's speaking life over these boys when even their parents tell me they're a handful. It's disciplining when they don't obey the first time, even if letting it go would prevent a melt down. It's praying for patience and joy and India while I wash dishes and fold laundry. It's remembering just how unworthy I am, how selfish, and repenting.

Picking up my cross is resting in His grace all-sufficent when they all three have pressing needs and there is just one exhausted me. It's the deep breath and the peace that transcends it all. It's the fact that He died so I could live. So these boys could live--and one day know the peace too.

And then I realize just how worthy this calling is--and how it being  entrusted to me is grace alone. 

On South Asia Coming to Town

Don't worry, this is not a big announcement that I am moving across the world—though I do hope and pray that day will come, soon.

Above my bed hangs this photo, taken moments before I passed through security and handed over my Indian Visa in exchange for my American identity and all the luggage that goes with it. We cried and we hugged just one last time at least a dozen times before I could will my legs unlock from that place, that place on this side of eternity where I have never felt more at home. What was being left behind seemed far greater then anything on the other side of that darn metal detector.

Tomorrow, a glimpse of this photo is coming to me. 

I glanced back as the tears still streamed heavy and gave them a big smile, a just hold on don't forget me I'm coming back kind of smile. And that's the pride in me, the part that still knows I can save the world. You know, since I don't know a lick of the language, have merely glimpsed the culture, and am the only white person for hours. So my body straightened and I willed my neck not to turn around again, I put one foot in front of the other and flew back to my native soil. 

It didn't take long before I remembered—the food, the soft bed, the AC, the family that I adore, and the friends that make this home. The water tastes so clean and it doesn't make me sick and I don't fear the bugs crawling across my legs as I dream of all the tongues and tribes confessing one day, hearing it right there in the dark under that net. I think I showered a dozen times those first couple days—mostly because I could.

 “Look, he is coming with the clouds,”

    and “every eye will see him,

even those who pierced him”;

    and all peoples on earth “will mourn because of him.”

So shall it be! Amen.

                                         -Revelation 1:7

I sleep and eat and go back to work. There is so much to do that my hours blur to days, my days become weeks and now it has been nearly four months since my return to this soil so green. I plastered images across all four of my walls where I sleep so that I wouldn't forget because I already have. Some days, I look at those faces all brown and hot. I wonder about them by name and I offer up some words. I want to be there, but I am here. So I fight with these nations, with the burden I bear, this battle that rages like some unhealthy dare.

And tomorrow, my sleeping and eating and working are going to be interrupted when I arrive at the airport and all of this is awakened once more with one breath of the spices still lingering and the way his accent repaves that little path right on home. I know it is coming and it scares me to death. I know I have gotten comfortable, maybe a little too comfortable here on this soil.

India comes up once in a while. We talk and I pray and I forget some days. I want to go and teach English and disciple the women, but wisdom says white woman should not go alone to live on a mountain with only nationals. So I wait and I doubt and I study and I play with these kids. I serve well at my job and think about my husband too much. I buy clothes I don't need and dye my hair every month and I eat way too much ice cream. I forget how to need Jesus like I did there. I fill up on all this other stuff. Persecution is different, and here is hard too. I long to know the Jesus I did there. I long to go back.

Back to the place where I don't need makeup because I don't get blemishes because I hear my food outside squawking just hours before I eat it and any remaining toxins seep down my skin with the rise of the sun and each step I take in that inferno. I'm sure I complained about it then, but now I chase it down like a dog his tail. Endless circles and back and forth, longing for something that seems so far away, yet so close you can taste it. Until God says go, I will probably keep spinning, trying to grab hold of something God is so divinely doing that I can do nothing but trust as I linger between my here and my there.

In the meantime, I prepare practically—working full time to pay off school debt, studying to get a college degree, learning to die to self by living with a dozen, trusting authority and honoring it. And I prepare spiritually—sharing the gospel with my international friends, building relationships with internationals, pouring out more and needing less, learning to feed myself the Word, and learning to hear other voices less and Jesus more.

I can't wait to know how all those little brown faces are doing, how God is answering little, quiet American prayers all the way across the world on that mountain, among those people whom I love, among those people who He loves.

So me and the butterflies already fluttering in my belly will head to the airport tomorrow night and yes, for a good long week I get to smell spices and feel the Spirit dwell so richly as words fall from his lips. I know I will be challenged and encouraged and the week with Sam will mess me up. 

But it's okay because life is just messy and He has always seemed to make something incredible from my messes—probably just because He can. And I love that.

They say the grass always looks greener on the other side—but what if we simply learn to glory in the dirt of the here and now?

What is Saving You Right Now?

Don't think about it too long or too hard. Share a photo or a sentence or a song.

Right now, it is Shasta cans ice cold and JoyFM songs of praise humming in the background as I press on to finish this pile of papers at work. It is lunch dates with a troubled ten year old because I'm not so different from him. It is trying to prove I am indeed smarter the a fourth grader as I run through long division in my head, doubting all the while my corrections are actually correct as I check through his schoolwork. It is the glitter on my dress that reminds me of the artwork in the mail yesterday made by tiny hands and love too good.

Right now, it is my car always starting again after it takes a little break in the middle of traffic and heat—yet again. It is the little guy hugs and big girl squeezes that I come home to everyday. It is watching the Olympics and feeling like it matters—like it all matters somehow. It is be inspired to dust off those running shoes. It is seeing lines of cars miles long outside of Chickfila as I drive down the road, thinking maybe the world is not all messed up, not quite a lost cause. It's remembering that He really is still drawing man to Himself in the midst of the brokenness.

Right now, it is this verse on my desk, the twenty-something verses I know by heart from hours of repetition these past few weeks. It is clinging to the hope of memorizing a book of the bible, of actually seeing the transformation unfold as the newness of my mind morphs into normalcy. It is being three years out of Mercy and still not being perfect{ed} but more in love with Him.


Right now, it is the picture on my desk of that barren classroom, blackboard and 3 little benches which now bear the weight of little bottoms. It is knowing that right now as I think on what is saving me, these little minds are being filled with the Word of Life—and being saved. This classroom across the world that failed to meet my wealthy standards several months ago is saving me right now. 


Right now, it is the new little life growing in my friend's tummy. It is the miracles delivered through prayer without ceasing. It is my yearning to be a wife and mamma someday soon. It is the curse that is being broken as I learn to trust man and flee from my rebellious heart. It is the battle that is becoming less about me and fading out of my future. Right now, it is going to the beach in a few months that is saving me. It is my renewed desire to submit as I read Luke 2 and see that even the Son of God, the perfect one, chose to submit to his parents, mere sinners in need of grace. 


Right now, it is the simple words and the open door policy. It is the family dinners and washing dozens of dishes becoming routine. It is never being alone. It is taking things day by day. It is re-training my introspective ways. It is my book for college coming in late, that I might ease into this new season. It is knowing grace needed to go boldly before the throne for mercy. It is deep conversation and a dozen friend dates this week and last. It is long dinners hosted by women oh so wise in their faith. It is letting Him fight. It is learning to be still that is saving me right now. 


Right now, the past got me here. Right now is where I am, all that I am promised. Right now, the hope and grace needed for a future is saving me.

Thanks to this fellow sister and faithful blogger's challenge, I know He is saving me, even now. Please, JOIN ME in sharing what is saving you today...just come read over HERE. Share your story, your saving graces. It's simple really. Thankful for Sarah and her constant stream of vulnerability and truth.

On Grace & Coming Home

Oh Jesus, your grace astounds me.

Last night I got to preach my testimony at a revival. Usually I take hours to prepare, still doubting my words even as I approach the podium. Last night, I truly encountered the power of the holy spirit working in my heart and mind. I had an idea of what to say, what God had laid upon my heart. The greatest gift was seeing the fruit of a semester of discipline to hide God's Word in my heart.

I shared of growing up in an unbelieving home with alcoholic parents. I spoke of an emptiness and hopelessness which drove me to an attempt to end my life. I shared of God's protection over my body that night. I spoke of life and death, blessing and curse as described in Duet 30:20. I testified to the sweetness of choosing life. And then scripture just began pouring off of my lips, as though it were a new language I had been learning. It was sweet. A precious reminder of the truth that it is not by my words but only His which draw men to Himself.

I pray these people's faith may rest in Christ alone, not in me. The revival was broadcast via speaker systems over a 4 mile radius surrounding the compound, into countless villages. We were told over 1,000 sets of ears were listening.
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This year God has blessed me beyond measure to be discipled by my sweet friend Heather. After being roommates for a year, marriage stole her away from life in our little apartment at the start of last summer. This past winter, God began to burden her heart to truly disciple me—just at the same time He was teaching me a hatred for the sin I continuously have battled, one which birthed in me a desire to know Him more. When Heather presented this idea of "discipleship" to me, I was a bit taken aback. I thought this was what she had been doing for the past year and a half in a sense. She explained me to that with her time in Fayetteville coming to an end as she and her husband make a move to Springfield in July, she didn't want to leave and not see my life look different—radically so—by her move date. 

Starting in February, she took me back to the basics—this hurt my pride a bit, but radically impacted my quiet time and my knowledge of the Word. We studied how to actually study the word. A few different methods. As I began applying these to my life and using them during my quiet times, I realized I could actually understand scripture in a way I thought I could only do through listening to podcasts prior. She also encouraged me to hide His word in my heart. I began memorizing a verse a week—often missing a week or two even. 

When in India, I saw the first fruits of this labor of scripture memorization in a tangible way. God's word continually poured from my tongue—in prayer, in teaching, in sharing testimony to His faithfulness. These were not my words, but His. Words I didn't even know I knew until I said them. He spoke so boldly through my lips—what grace. At that point I realized I had to grow in this discipline—I had to continue hiding away His Word because it was so much more powerful then any words I could think up during these times. 

Without knowing any of this, my first week back when Heather and I met for lunch she said she wanted to challenge me to something. At this point I just don't much care for those words coming off of her lips because it always requires some sort of sacrifice and pain. Seriously. 

"I think you should memorize a book of the Bible," she said completely nonchalantly. 

Say WHAT?!? 

A book of the Bible—memorize. Heck no. There's no way I could do that—its enough to try to get a verse or two a week. Chapters are meant to be read—not recited. I thought to myself. She is crazier then I gave her credit. Of course by the end of our little lunch, I was {hesitantly} all in. She does that to me—every time. Makes the crazy sound completely attainable—even normal. Why not? 


So part of writing this post is accountability...to actually work at this memorization process. Part of it is to challenge you as I have been challenged. Have you seen fruit of hiding the Word in your heart as well? 
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A bit behind the "whys" of scripture memory:

These verses sanctify us by causing us to hate sin and to determine to fight it vigorously. Through memorization, we are able to stand in the moment of temptation through the “sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” (Ephesians 6:17) Therefore did the Psalmist say, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:9,11)

In addition, the word sanctifies us by transforming our entire worldview from secular to heavenly: “Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2) The “renewing of your minds” happens by the flow of Scripture through them like a pure river. As this river flows through your mind constantly, you will see things more and more the way God does, if you are a child of God... for “we have the mind of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 2:16) This gives us more and more wisdom to deal with this world.

The Scripture memorizer will be used mightily by God to teach and encourage other Christians, with an apt word from the perfect Word of God: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom...” (Colossians 3:16) How better can you obey Colossians 3:16 than by Scripture memorization? The “word of Christ” will indeed “dwell in you richly” as you memorize it, and then work it over in your mind through meditation. Then you will most certainly be useful to God to “teach and admonish” another brother or sister. Scripture builds the Church to its final doctrinal and practical maturity (Ephesians 4:13-16), and God uses those who memorize it to do this building in a powerful and eternally fruitful way.

Finally, the memorization of Scripture enables us to bless lost people with a powerful and vivid presentation of the gospel of salvation. “Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.” (Romans 10:17) Those who memorize Scripture obey Peter’s command in this regard: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have.” (1 Peter 3:15) The “preparation” Peter had in mind is best done by memorizing Scripture. Remember that it is Scripture which is “able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” (2 Timothy 3:15) The evangelist who stores up Scripture on the life of Christ, for example, can vividly retell the miracle stories to a generation which is biblically illiterate, which knows very little about the life of Christ. That person can also give the theology of salvation from Paul’s epistles, if they have memorized those books. In short, Scripture memorization makes one a much more powerful and effective evangelist.

Memorizing Books Is Better Than Memorizing Individual Verses

Jesus said, “Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4) Paul said “All Scripture is God-breathed, and is useful for teaching rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness...” (2 Timothy 3:16) Memorizing individual verses tends to miss intervening verses that the individual does not feel are as significant. Furthermore, most of Scripture is written to make a case... there is a flow of argumentation that is missed if individual verses are memorized. Furthermore, there is also a greater likelihood of taking verses out of context by focusing on individual verses.
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I cannot believe this is my last night in India. I feel like I just got here. I am so scared of going back—going back to the same old selfish, comfortable, busy, distracted, American I am. I'm fearful of many decisions that need to be made. I'm scared of forgetting the truth you've etched into my heart during these weeks. I'm scared no one will understand. I'm scared I'll shut down and return to my old ways of coping. I fear for my sisters in Christ who are coming home with me as well. But GRACE, this I know. Whether on Indian or American soil, I will soak in your Grace through the unknowns and heartaches of this life. This I know. 

On Being Called to Obey

As I lay awake well into the wee hours of the night, my brain will not shut down, not even for a moment of releif. My mind races from one thought to the next, some purposeful others random. Either way, Lord I am begging you to let sleep come soon!


This place is getting to me. The mere thought that I could in fact commit more then 2 weeks of my life to this completely foreign land brings great joy—and great fear. Some of it legitamate, most of it my selfishness and insecurity (pride) roaring its ugly head once again. How will I communicate sufficiently? How will I get through this alone? Can man truly live on rice and rice alone—for months? Will the people trust the girl beneath the blonde curls, the one who knows nothing about their culture, not more then two words of their language? I am by no means qualified, not for this. Does He really equip those He calls? What if I get back and cant handle it? What if I get really sick? What if someone at home dies? Fear enslaves those who allow it to rule over them. Jesus, you rule over me.


Perfect love casts out all fear. So I must hope greater in this guarantees and lesser in the possibilities I fear.


Fearlessness in me says GO—it says dont even bother going back. What do you know of suffering for me? Nothing. What does my Word require of you? To go and preach the gospel to the nations. As the Spirit rises up within me, I fall to peices all over again.


Sometimes, I think we overcomplicate the spiritual things in life. There is a need. Could it be this simple? There is a need and I can meet it so why not? Is this not my calling as one of the redeemed? I think I am a victim of over-spiritualizing things, over-complicating them. The Truth, in all reality, is far less complicated then we often view it. His Word commands us to go and make disciples of all nations. To care for the widow and the orphan, to defend the fatherless. To proclaim freedom for the captives. To forsake all else for His name. To serve Him. To suffer joyfully. To preach His Word and testify to His grace. To be a lavisher of that grace. To glorify Him. To know Him more. To make Him known.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. --James 1:27

“The price is certainly high for people who don’t know Christ and who live in a world where Christians shrink back from self-denying faith and settle into self-indulging faith. While Christians choose to spend their lives fulfilling the American dream instead of giving their lives to proclaiming the kingdom of God, literally billions in need of the Gospel remain in the dark” -David Platt

These people—they have messed me up. The thought of returning to my comfortable life in America, returning to my selfish lifestyle causes a battle to well up inside—one I don't know how to fight well. I long to know Him like I do here—to place my DEPENDENCY in Him in such a way which is hindered in the US. I just want to see His kingdom come here on earth as it is in Heaven.

The modern-day gospel says, 'God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Therefore, follow these steps, and you can be saved.' Meanwhile, the biblical gospel says, 'You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, & in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore, you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do.” -Platt


The idea that this Truth flowing from my white lips could possibly be richer, more spiritual, wiser then that which flows from brown ones is absolutely insane. Yet part of meeting a need, I suppose, is coming to a point where GRACE alone anchors my soul. While the only seperation between the white and the brown are a whole lot of miles and suffering beyond my comprehension, in His grace unknown to me, He gave me life over there covered with white skin and these people, life over here in covered in brown. Grace. Thus, this idea of white (me) leaving there (America) to come here (South Asia) is not by any merit or wisdom or works or earning, but His grace alone. I pray if it is His will, all brown on this mountain will see my white skin and see only the access faith in Christ alone has given me into this grace in which we all must have to stand, that we might rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. (Rom. 5:2)


What is my life but a vapor? My time on this earth but the blink of an eye? In His grace, He STILL chose to redeem me from darkness and deliver me into His glorious light. He STILL chose to call me, to set me apart, to be a revealer of Christ. (Galatians 1) But why?


In order that I might preach Him among the gentiles, that I might be a proclaimer of GRACE to the nations!!


I often wonder what it sounds like, what it feels like to be "called to serve Christ,"particularly in an overseas context. But from what I can see in scripture, ALL of us are called simply because we profess faith in Christ.

Learn to do good, seek justice, correct oppression, defend the fatherless, plead for the widow. —Isaiah 1: 17

I don't think it's being called that we doubt. At the end of it all, I think it's accepting the weight of what we have been called to. It's obedience we wrestle with—our calling and election are sure. 

Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.   −2 Peter 1:10

“My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus' words and walk away, content to settle for less than radical obedience to Him. ” -David Platt

So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.              -Luke 14

When God Uses Tigers and Elephants

Jesus, it is hard to believe we have been here almost a week—the days have sped past yet the moments continue to linger, breaking my heart for the things that break yours.


Today I am tired and weary. Sleep is nearly impossible to come by at night, though mid-afternoon naps continue to sustain me. Add the digestive issues and ceaseless sweating, sometimes I just wonder when the build up will prove too much—waiting for the explosion? Oh Jesus, please teach me to suffer well for your namesake. Whatever that means? Suffering—I don't know the first thing about it. Yet in these moments I am so convinced I have tasted and seen it. But I do not know suffering as these people do.


Tonight our host began telling us stories. Stories which testify to the almighty power of a sovereign, loving God--in the very midst of suffering. Aside from the beautiful beleivers on this mountain also reside those who persecute. Even during our time, our plans were thwarted a bit as a result of those who persecute.

A few years ago, the Christians in the state of Orissa endured horrific persecution. The Christians were blamed for the death of a Hindi leader, Swami Lakshmanananda. More than 18,000 were injured and 50,000 displaced. Around 11,000 people were still in relief camps months later. Many tribals fled to neighboring states during this time. 310 villages were affected, 4,640 homes destroyed, 252 churches fell to ruble, and 13 educational institutions demolished. 

Please check out this link for more information of the persecution of the Christians in Orissa in 2008.


Many Christians lost their homes, their livelihoods, their lives—lives they had the power to save if only they denied the Lordship of Christ Jesus. In His grace, they knew that only God has the power to save, even as the truth of death with Christ exceeding life apart from Him became a reality.


After this persecution, about 80% of the Christians on the mountain fled to the city. The compound where our hosts live became a refuge for hundreds in need. Even the government officials and police force used it as a base point. The gospel was preached to all, even in the very midst of the persecution.

Following the attack, the Christians fled into the jungle, trekking a path which is a five hour drive to the nearest city. Because of those out to destroy them, it was only safe to travel at night. So during the day while they hid and rested. We were told this story of how God protected them through this time. During the day, a herd of tigers surrounded them, never attacking but literally encircling them on all sides, forming a shield of protection while they waited for the sun to fall, leaving it safe to travel. Are you kidding me?? Why are we so shocked by such accounts of His faithfulness--why don't pray with such boldness?


He is our refuge and strength in time of need takes on a whole new meaning here.

Several months after the persecution had quieted, in early spring, a heard of elephants stampeded into a town on this mountain. The elephants trampled through the town, destroying every home, hut, structure, and business they crossed. At the conclusion of this stampede, there were several houses still standing. As the entire village soon came to realize, the only homes which remained standing were those belonging to Christians. Many unbelievers came to faith in Christ this day.


So tonight as I wrestle to fall asleep, wet by my own sweat, I will pray for these people who know what it means to endure suffering for your namesake. I will remember these accounts of your faithfulness, Jesus, yes right in the midst of it all. I will not settle for watered down, complacent faith. I will fight to know you like this. To trust you--with my life. To trust that even in the middle of a jungle as I run for my life, you could in your GRACE send a herd of tigers to protect me. To trust that in a broken and fallen world where bad things happen that I cannot comprehend--that you alone bring JUSTICE, even if that means destroying the livelihood of the enemy through a herd of elephants while your faithful few remain safe.


His Promises to us, even in the midst of persecution:
Do not say, “I will recompense evil;” Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.” (Proverbs 20:22)


And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant .Ps. 143:12


I will send my terror before you and will throw into confusion all the people against whom you shall come, and I will make all your enemies turn their backs to you. Exodus 23:27


For you shall not go out with haste, nor go by flight; for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” (Isaiah 52:12)


“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)


“Plead my cause, O Lord, with those who strive with me; fight against those who fight against me. Take hold of shield and buckler, and stand up for my help. Also draw out the spear, and stop those who pursue me. Say to my soul, “I am your salvation.” (Psalm 35:1)

“When my enemies turn back, they shall fall and perish at your presence. For You have maintained my right and my cause; You sat on the throne judging in righteousness.” (Psalm 9:3)

“Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord. (Jeremiah 1:8)

On Meeting Jesus in South Aisa

I will never forget the first time I met you. Probably because you scared me to death. We were meeting Heather to sign our leases—I saw you coming, perfect blonde hair blowing in the breeze, stylish and all put together, those big white sunglasses covering your face, leaving me plenty curious about the girl behind them. Yes, you frightened me a bit.

I really don't recall our first week or so as roommates, the conversations we might have had, the thoughts I had as I got to know you. I do remember, however, the countless times you let me blab and blab about my crazy life, just listening because you knew I needed to blab. I remember when I made you go to the hospital because you couldn't admit your black leg needed help. I remember the pounds I gained as a result of your love for baking. I remember laughing at your—lack—of a filter...constantly? I remember when you and K stayed up all night stringing soda tabs together for me. I remember the many silent house meetings in which I could only laugh at your stubbornness. I remember 6am classes we just struggled to stay awake through. I also remember the Spirit that I believe has been at work within you these past two years—I remember seeing glimpses along the way. I remember the battle being so evident.

We have walked through a whole lot of life these past two years, you and me. A lot of hurt, confusion, and doubt. We have both wondered around with shackles dragging the ground, enslaved. We have cried together—yes even YOU. We have prayed and begged God to move in one another's lives. We have opened His Word together and let it fill us. We have learned Truth and forgotten. We have learned to work through conflict and forgive. We have tasted dying to ourselves. We have messed up, failed miserably at loving gracefuly. But still, two years later, by His grace He plopped us both on a plane and took us across the world. And the whole time I wondered why??

Each week leading up to departure, I was dumbfounded again and again when I asked and you said that you were still committed—and excited. I'll be honest, it shocked me that you got onto that plane. It confused me. It frustrated me even—not because I didn't want you to come, but because it made no sense that you would. But I was grateful for the opportunity to spend time with you, to find closure of sorts to our two years of doing life together. At least, that's what I thought.

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Day 11


Well, I can't say I ever expected this day to come—though I have spent hours praying for it for several years now, I still doubted I'd ever see it. Tonight was part two of our revival in the mountains. Last night A and I shared our testimonies. Tonight it was the other two girls' time to share. All morning R was on edge, zoned out and very stoic. I had sort of been just waiting for this day to come, knowing that it would—the day it was her turn to testify to His goodness. Mainly because I wanted to hear what exactly she would share, quite curious of what God was doing in her heart recently. 


The morning came and went quickly, as we were busy with a medical clinic and meeting nationals. After lunch the girls took refuge in our room to rest. That was the first time I asked her how she was doing. I just remember she wouldn't even look up at me but simply replied, "Not good. I have nothing to say." I was quiet for a minute, slightly taken aback. Our conversation drew in the others' attention as well. I suggested a few places in scripture that she could use that I thought related pretty well to where she was at. She was silent. 


After talking well into the afternoon, at a loss for words we prayed for her. I begged God to make Himself known to her in a way that she could articulate, relate, to these people. I carefully asked Him to reveal if the frustration was coming from a lack of words or perhaps a lack of a testimony to begin with. Even as I spoke the words in front of her, I feared her reaction. Surprisingly, at the conclusion of our prayers, she said nothing but looked so defeated. We had to leave to go to the next thing. I walked downstairs and turned to J and told her that I give up—I don't know what else I can say, how much more bold I can be, how I could possibly break through her walls. I felt defeated and sad. After two years, I had hoped for a different ending. Being in South Asia period, I had been praying for months for a different ending. So had a whole army back home.


We got home from visiting some nationals, with just minutes until the revival began. I was in the kitchen attempting to make spagehtti—yes in the middle of no where India. It failed miserably, but that's besides the point. Someone came and told me that R was pretty upset. I knew this already—I mean I would be too if I knew I had to deliver a message in minutes and had nothing to say. Eventually, I made it upstairs to check on her. I found her in our room, face to face with my adopted dad and J, deep in conversation and tears flowing. 


I quickly plopped down beside her, knowing immediately what was going down, but unable to actually comprehend it. It was as though I was in a really, really sweet dream. Kevin had just finished laying out the gospel and salvation, explaining some truth to her, leaving the decision out there. She swept up the gift immediately, confessing her sin to the Lord before us and telling Him of her need for a Savior because she just couldn't bear the weight of life in a fallen world apart from Him any longer. She told Him that she no longer wanted to be in control of her life, that she needed Him. She told Him that she was all in—committed to the weight of following Him for the remainder of her time on this earth. Arms around her, I wailed like a baby the whole time, out of control. 


Today R accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior. I must say that while I have prayed and prayed and waiting for this day, I really did not beleive or trust He was able. Yet who am I? Jesus, you are so faithful. You alone redeem. You alone draw men to yourself. Lord, please forgive me for ever thinking I could do anything apart from you, for ever doubting that you could—that you would! 


R, after two years of doing life together, lots of rejoicing, lots of hurts, lots of tough conversations, I praise God that covered in the dirt and stickiness of India, He would choose in His grace alone to draw you to Himself. What a privalage it was to witness it. Thank you for being willing to allow Him to rule over your life. Thank you for being humbled, broken enough to finally surrender. It will be hard but He is faithful and ever patient. He is worth it, R. I am so proud of you. Your faith humbled me today, reminded me of my need for His grace just as much as yours...I don't have it all together like I convince myself I do so often. I am here always, sister. This is just day one of the rest of your life! You need not go at it alone. Rejoicing in His faithfulness on display through you today.
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Two days after coming to Christ, Rach stood up with me to preach the word to teenagers at a church in Dehli. Two weeks after coming home, it is not easy to transition back to the "real world"for any of us, but I am completely confident that her decision to follow Christ is evident in her life back home already. I am looking forward to weekly lunches and digging into the book of James together this summer. More then anything I am so incredibly excited at what God is doing in her heart, the freedom she is only tasting, the weight lifted, the trails and suffering that are coming which will produce a harvest of righteousness, the purpose to which He has called her being revealed by the Spirit who lives in her. Oh, mylanta I am so excited to do life with this sister—and STILL so in awe and humbled by the faithfulness of our God. His grace is enough to save. His power is perfected in our weaknesses.