On A Weekend with My Family

I feel his eyes watching me even as I sleep. Something deeper lures me to life and he is standing there, all two feet of him. "Aunt Corney?" he whispers. "Aunt Corney!" I rise from my sleep.

My heart races and I sit up and it all comes back. I am in a little bed so near the floor at the apartment in town and my family is here to visit. The sun is barely awake and my nephew isn't sleepwalking. He is ready to go and we look at books and crash trucks while mamma makes waffles into giraffes and elephants and the sun rises. The boy likes some waffles with his syrup and my brother can't watch the mess and we are more alike then I knew. I cannot stop laughing.

He is talking and running everywhere. He is so big and I just adore him. These moments are precious and I will remember forever. He calls me Aunt Corney and he is the first of my nieces and nephews to say it and it is a melody in my ears all day long.

We go by the farmer's market and my nephew wants to be just like his daddy. I am quiet and God is redeeming right here as we walk circles around the square. We drive out to see my life in the country. All fifteen of us gather around the table and it is absolute bliss. My nephew and my lil adopted ones all close in size and they love to tattle on each other. I look around and I hear the words shared from my family visiting and my adopted one and I just bask in God's grace in my life—the way He has surrounded me with this family right here and the rest I wish could be here too.

It feels right and we talk and explore the country and I take my sister on the four-wheeler. More importantly, she lets me! And no, we didn't tip over. My sister now has five girls who are still talking about how much they love her. Especially her hugs. She fits here, here in the south where we hug big and I really hope she says ya'll sometime this week and misses me.

I am sitting on the steps and looking out over the red and orange and yellows painted beneath the clouds and it is beautiful. Fall is here and so is my nephew. The kiddos are laughing and some of my favorite people are all gathered in my favorite place and I just bask here because life is hard and this moment is peace because the Lord is gracious and I don't deserve it. So I sit and breath it in.

We go out to dinner and my sis takes this picture and Facebook says I look more like him as I get older. I read those comments and some tears fall because God did this. He gave me this family and redeemed so much brokenness and they were there with me and now we look alike and it is just a lot of glory and I love my brother more and more. Mostly because he tried my pumpkin bread {and didn't spit it out} even though he doesn't like it.

Meg and I eat pumpkin everything and she drinks the milk with three quarters froth because I got a little excited about my new frother, but she lets me live it up without complaint. Dinner is washed down with some pumpkin frozen yogurt and a few of my international friends join us. We play games and my lil bubby cuddles in my lap while we read. I want to freeze time because it goes to fast.

My brother and sis are leading the youth in their church back home and I love hearing about it. They are learning so much and God is being glorified. Oh I want to stop the moments adding up to their departure and yet I am so excited to see where God leads them in the days and years to come because He is up to something and I can't quite see it all yet but it is only His grace in all of our lives.

We talk some real life too. Our dad is in Joplin now in rehab. He write me a card and he is seventy-five days sober. We haven't talked in months and my brother guards my heart so well.  They stopped there to see him on the way to see me and on the way home and I am so thankful God's given him the grace to care for our dad while my wounds get bound up as time heals. And let me tell you, He wounds but oh sisters, he binds up as well.

This weekend was that for me. It was wounds sealing a little deeper as the scars continue fading. 

My sweet sister also posted over here...I cry reading this and just seeing how God is at work in both of our lives and revealing glimpses of His love and His purpose in our lives being meshed.

I am so thankful for time with my brother and sis and lil nephew—so blessed. 

friends!

All the boys loved him

Reading with Young Hye

My adopted mama and dad

Love him more then words.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  -James 1:17

Glimpses of Life as One of a Dozen

People often give me the doubtful, questioning, even speechless eyes when I tell them I live with a family of eleven—with me that makes a dozen of us under a roof, doing life together that all the glory might belong to the Lord.

Now, I just expect the hesitant, you are crazy eyes. But it really doesn't bother me much anymore—I just smile and joyfully explain to them how crazy life is and that I wouldn't change it for a thing. The truth of that statement has become much more true (if that even makes sense!) as the days, weeks, and months continue to pass. I cannot imagine life being any different. The flip of the calendar has in fact, taught me to love and cherish this family of eleven more then I ever could have imagined.

Over the past several weeks, there have been little GLIMPSES, little moments where I see God's perfect plan continue to be affirmed right where I am at, in the little house on the dirt road.

Like when I get home from work and a little guy runs up to me and leans in real close as he begins to tell me He accepted Christ today and I erupt with joy and praise. Or when we go around the table to affirm seven year old little one on his birthday, and he begins weeping as I tell him what a tender heart he has and how he loves people wholeheartedly. Or when the girls talk openly about the doubts and realities of life in a fallen world. Or when they get excited about something coming up and tell me I have to be there—I have to experience it with them. Or when baby boy runs into my arms when I get home from work (which has happened ONCE, making it one of these glimpses!). Or when Kevin cooks breakfast for me before I have to leave for work. Or when the boys asked specifically that I would come into their room to tell them goodnight. Or when Michelle takes me to run errands with her, even though it takes twice as long since I never stop talking. Or when I can unload the dishwasher without asking where anything goes (a rare occurrence, since things continue to move around). Or when I get to read a book to the babies as we cuddle before bed—when they will sit in my lap for JUST A minute. Or when I am trusted to drive nine precious lives in the big white van solo. Or when my friend's husband begins referring to me as "Courtney McCollum" because I was running a little bit late to meet them somewhere...I am STILL trying to figure what he's talking about??

In a large family, it is easy to get caught up in just trying to make it from one moment to the next...get everyone busy on an activity so you can get dinner going so you can get everyone to stop the activity to wash up so everyone can gather around the big wood table so we can actually hold hands without passing along dirt and snot so we can beg Jesus to sustain us, to help us speak kindly, to help us obey without anyone complaining of germs passing along through the grips shared among us all so that we can serve up a meal so everyone gets enough so we can be excused to get boys to bed and clean the kitchen so we can breathe for a few minutes so we can have more breathe to laugh at the craziness of the day so we can have even more breathe to process the trials of life so we can fall asleep with peace of mind to the quietness of nine little ones sleeping all so we have the energy to wake and do it all over again tomorrow.

Yes, this is reality. But somewhere in-between the washing up and the prayers, comes the GLIMPSE. Somewhere after the food before the last dish is put up, comes another GLIMPSE. To what exactly does this glimpse allow you to see into? The GLIMPSE allows me to see Jesus at work in these little hearts and minds. The GLIMPSE reminds me of my need for His grace, His love, His selflessness amidst it all. Through the GLIMPSE, the Spirit speaks to my weary soul and I joyfully press on.

The GLIMPSE is why I wouldn't change my life for anything, even if you look at me with those eyes.

The GLIMPSE challenges me to see Christ in all of His glory, to just get a glimpse of what He is doing here on earth reminds me of the eternity that awaits—that the challenges and suffering here on this fallen earth are worth enduring, for the glory that is to be revealed simply does not compare.

What GLIMPSE has He given you today?

3 Dozen GLIMPSES of His FAITHFULNESS in LIFE WITH A DOZEN:

Birthday Affirmation times—testify to Jesus' work in each heart

Dutch Puff—simply because it is my favorite "large family" food

Exploring nature—I see the Lord in a different way in the country 

Little brother good night hugs & goodbye waves in the morning—ahhhh love.

Late night kitchen talks with K and M—I would honestly pay for these moments and the Truth and life that is breathed into my inner place during these times. 

Reading in the chair that rocks—a comfort, I think, my favorite spot.

Ramblenising and deep conversation with sisters {after} bedtime of course—made even better when K stomps his foot on floor above, making me break into giggles. 

Mowing the grass on Saturdays—being able to serve and improve at making perfectly straight lines across the yard, no OCD though. 

Family Dinners—you just have to be there.

Washing dishes—it is my job and I enjoy it.

Kevin teaching—I always learn too.

  

Experiencing peace as I watch chaos unfold—sounds crazy, but it happens daily.

Cuddles from the babies—a rare and precious occurrence these days!

Rides in the van—made even better when everyone breaks into a song and I start looking for cameras because I fell as though I am on a reality TV show

Learning to shoot a gun—one of my frirst glimpses, actually, sweet moment.

Helping Michelle cook—learning from her in the kitchen, learning to be a wife and mom.

When eleven (perfect) voices break into song during family worship time—add in the piano and guitar for kicks—I see Jesus. 

Driving on the country roads with windows down—and music blasting.

Michelle chopping my hair off—a tangible shedding of a whole lot of my insides. 

Little boys getting into my makeup—something I always wished I could experience growing up, as odd as that sounds. 

Being able to share my clothes and jewelry—or simply have it stolen :)

Watching old movies with the girls—who find joy in all of my firsts...including the movie we are watching.

My first time on the 4-Wheeler—when Kevin took off with me on it & got the death stare from mom

When Kevin (completely jokingly) refers to Michelle as "Woman"—with a capital W!

The way this family welcomes and loves on my international friends—incredible testimony to Christ's love for each of us. 

Coming home to squirrels hanging in my closet in place of the lightbulb—and the payback that came as a result.

Sharing a room with sisters for a season—another dream come true, learned lots too.

Birthday Pancakes—the best. 

The fact that using a dozen eggs a day has become somewhat normal—wrong I think!

Going anywhere with the whole family—I find joy in being with them all.

Taking communion as a family—one of my sweetest memories.

Finding pets in the wild and attempting to domesticate them—until they die, anyways.

Building a chicken house—and the fact that it hasn't been touched in months.

Driving the big white van—and not crashing.

Little brother goodnights—nothing better. 

The heart of this family to love me as one of their own—in so many tangible and unspoken ways

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you KNOW that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ---James 1:2-3

Thoughts From a Proud Little Sister

Before I begin endless rambles about my time in India, I cannot resist this opportunity to brag on my big brother and his beautiful wife (and the most handsome two year old in the world of course).

During my time in St. Louis this weekend, I was privileged to go to Freedom Church, a church plant of dear friends of my siblings. It is always a joy to worship Jesus and receive the Word with all of my siblings and their families when I come to town. I love that they have all committed to be apart of one body and to do life together in this way. Selfishly, I am slightly jealous that I miss out on this fellowship with them each week.

Anyhow, their church is growing and the leadership decided it was indeed time to delegate some of the responsibility for this hungry flock over to another individual—particularly leadership over the youth. So my brother and his wife were officially introduced before the church body as the new youth leaders for Freedom Church. 

Ever since they have come into my life, I have had so much respect for both of my big brothers. I am always in awe of God's faithfulness to redeem the future generations—something I see so tangibly through the way both of my brothers fear the Lord and desire to raise their kiddos to do likewise. They are putting an end to the curse our dad has left us. It is beautiful.

Ryan and Megan in particular were instrumental in my coming to Christ. As a result, talking to them about Jesus has always come naturally, but the past year or two has been really challenging for me as a little sister all the way in Arkansas to really have an intimate relationship with my bro and his wife. We stay in touch—though I am a bit ashamed to confess that if it weren't for Facebook, I would feel much more out of the loop. But we manage. Seasons come and go.

Throughout this season, I have spent much time asking God to move in all of my siblings lives—that we might all know Him more intimately. As a little sister, it is often difficult for me to know how to encourage my older siblings...how to initiate real conversations about the Lord when He is constantly working in all of our lives, though difficult to articulate monthly or every six months when I see them. This sounds odd, but it is something I really battle with.  I long to be apart of all the different seasons He takes them through. And I so desperately desire for them to know my seasons—I look forward to a day we can live this out with fewer miles that separate us, but for now the glimpses are sweeter.

This weekend being present for this moment which God has been preparing them for all along was one of the sweetest moments. It made me forget the distance, my inability to communicate the Spirit that lives in me, it allowed me to see Christ's work in their lives over the past year or two—all in this one moment. As a little sister, I have always looked up to Rye. I have always known God set Him apart for a purpose far greater then anything he would ever dream for himself. We have that in common—thinking we could never step into a role for which only God calls and equips—it takes us a bit longer to be convinced, but eventually our desire to obey and glorify breaks through the fear and doubt.

As Ryan stood before this body of believers on Sunday, his faithful helper and prayer warrior standing at his side (joyful tears upon her cheeks of course), and began to share how nervous but excited he and Meg are to be stepping into this role, the tears just began to fall for me as well. My brother has been through so much. God has always been faithful, but in that moment I saw the Spirit speaking through my brother. I saw Jesus radiating from the inner place. I saw joy that is his strength. I saw hours and hours my sister spent on her knees, interceding on behalf of my brother, for Him to be equip to lead their family, interceding for God's plan in their lives—a faithful wife. I saw days and weeks and months of God's relentless pursuit of him and my sister—to challenge them in their faith and call them to trust Him more. I saw life being restored even in those moments—for Him but also for me. I pray that this is exactly what these youth will see as well. My brother's obedience points me to hope even more in Christ. He makes me want to know Him more, to trust Him, to pray boldly and expect Him to answer, according to His will over my own. To see him and Meg step into this new season, this new role refreshes the reality that He does indeed make all things new...that He is doing a new thing, making a way in the wilderness even (Isa. 43:19).

Big Bro, I am so incredibly excited to see how God is going to allow you and Meg to lead these students, and by his grace alone to point them to Him. I am so proud of you brother, and I am here, your biggest cheerleader in the South! Thank you for going first...for bearing some of the weight our dad is too weak to uphold. Thank you for giving me hope that life with Christ shatters the darkness. Thank you for stepping into the newness and liberating me to follow, despite fear and pride.

Sister, this has been a role I have been confident you would be gifted to fill for years now—and am excited to watch Him use you in these young girls' lives. More then anything though, watching you in the dry seasons...hearing you testify to having to trust Him when life made no sense...when He spoke so boldly to you, but you knew you had to be patient. When you wanted to control, but He told you to pray. And you did. Just look at this itty bitty glimpse of His plan that He has revealed—rejoice and get back on your knees and keep praying because this is only the beginning!!!

Oh yeah and to the both of you—you just remember how I always used to tell you that even in my darkest pit that y'all had to help me out of, He was using my mess to prepare you for something far greater...consider that your initiation into life with youth!! I am totally kidding—sort of. God has been preparing you, yes even through all that stuff. It will be messy, but His grace far exceeds the mess. Praise Jesus, this is good news for us all!


"And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." (1 Corinthians 2:1-5 ESV)


Friends, please pray for this precious family—for protection from attacks of the enemy, for wisdom in counseling youth, for boldness in teaching the Word, for unity as a couple, for enough time in the day to simply be filled with Truth, and so much more as the Spirit leads.

Sincerely,
One Proud Sister in the South

Breaking the Curse

Last night I got to go spend some time with my precious brother and sister-in-law and my lil nephew. I love getting to go spend time with them…it doesn’t happen often enough!! I really wasn’t expecting anything but sweet time to catch up with my sister and to play with the little man. Of course, the Lord loves to use unrepentant moments such as these to teach me.

I have learned a lot about generational curses and generational sin over the past few years. When I look at the line from which I come, there are a good handful of addictions, behaviors, and mind-sets that have been passed down for many generations. Alcoholism. Divorce. Materialism. Financial issues. Anger. Abuse. Disease. Depression. Control Issues. Perfectionism. Abandonment. These are just a few. I have spent hours upon hours boldly proclaiming the name of JESUS over these issues over the past several years. In fact, this was one of the very first concepts I learned during my time at Mercy Ministries—the importance of breaking generational patterns in the name of Jesus Christ.

As time has passed the reality of the war being waged has only amplified day after day. After spending six months in a dating relationship over this past year, I think I was even further awakened to the gravity of the war going on when it comes to these generational sins. There were several times when I was in that relationship that I found myself doing some of the things I swore I would never ever imitate from my parents relationship. Then of course, there is just the paralyzing fear that no matter how much I pray, no matter how many generational sins I triumph over by speaking the name of Jesus, that no matter how different my husband is from my dad, no matter how different I am as a mom one day, that no matter how powerful the name of Christ is to break those curses that I will still remain enslaved to some of them—that I pass these generations of baggage on down to my own precious kids one day. I honestly think that is one of my greatest fears—that I would fail as a wife, mother and believer in that way.  

But tonight, tonight the Lord gave me a precious and unmistakable glimpse into a scene only He could create. Tonight some of those fears and doubts were silenced forever. Tonight I saw the chains loosed on the floor…the prison doors wide open…the ashes forming something beautiful. Tonight I heard those millions of prayers offered up to the Heavens hovering so near. Tonight I felt the gentle hand of God himself mold my heart together a little tighter, healing the brokenness. Tonight I witnessed a miracle. Tonight, the scene that played out before me was impossible apart from the chain-breaking, infinite, sovereign, unchanging, transforming, sin-shattering name of Jesus Christ. All I know is that only by His gracious power and infinite mercies can such generational sin shatter before my very eyes.

As I stood, leaning on the countertop, I watched my brother hold my little nephew close to his chest. They sat on the couch together, Jacob finally content—all he needed was to just be in his daddy’s lap. A little while later they got up and my brother took Jacob downstairs to play. As they were walking down the stairs, my sister just started laughing as she was glancing in their direction. As I looked up to see what she was snickering about I couldn’t help but smile—and in that moment the Lord spoke ever so clearly to me that this was just a little glimpse into how HE is the perfect Father and HE will break generations of sin. Tonight, through my brother, He showed me a real-life, tangible picture of His ability to do so—like a seal, a promise, a reminder really—of His faithfulness and ability to lavish the same redemption and freedom upon my life and my family’s lives one day.

 Here was my big brother, just hours after confessing to me his own hurts and heartaches and frustration with our dad lately (as a result of generational sin), but here he was carrying his own son down the steps to go play, not even realizing that they were dressed exactly the same…work out shorts and a grey t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. His kiddo is not even two yet and he already wants to be just like his daddy. As I watch Ryan interact with his son, I don’t see the hurt he has from his relationship with our dad—I don’t see the bitterness—I don’t see the unforgiveness—I don’t see one speck of conditional love. My precious nephew already wants to be just like his daddy because my brother loves his son with the love of Christ. I know this because if he relied on himself, he could never love Jacob freely—the generational curses would continue through that inability to love like Jesus. Seeing the boys, matching outfits and all, walking downstairs to play was such a testimony to the powerful name of Jesus Christ. Through Him, the battle over generational sins has already been WON!

All I could do was laugh—laughing at the preciousness of that moment, laughing at the irony of it all, laughing in the face of the enemy, who so desperately desires to see my brother fall into the same curses as our dad. Last night I learned that sometimes you just have to laugh—God’s faithfulness is just beyond words. 

Thank you, big brother for dying to yourself—your hurts, bitterness, heartaches, wounds from the past—and allowing the love of Jesus Christ to radiate through you and your imperfections to just wholeheartedly love that precious boy who is so incredibly blessed to call you daddy. You have shown me that this is real—generational sins that have been passed down through our family for centuries ARE broken in the name of Jesus Christ, in spite of our sinfulness and our failures—He is STILL BIGGER and MORE ABLE.

He redeems and He transforms, He renews and HE restores! 

“But if they confess their iniquity and THE INIQUITY OF THEIR FATHERS, with their unfaithfulness in which they were unfaithful to Me, and that they also have walked contrary to Me … then I will remember My covenant with Jacob, and My covenant with Isaac and My covenant with Abraham I will remember …” (Leviticus 26:40, 42)