It is a Choice--And it's Not Over

I remember like it was yesterday as we stood in the dimly lit kitchen late into the night. I held myself up on the counter top because my whole body aged. He leaned against the sink and she stood across from me with eyes that exposed my sin. He has just come in from cleaning out my car. It had been building for a while by then, the lying and covering sin and the confession only to give in again.

We're done with the lying. Your words are empty and meaningless. If you choose to continue in your sin, even just one more time, you're out. 

I had battled it like this for years at this point and I remember believing I was free. God met me at Mercy Ministries three years back and from then on His grace held me. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for what God did during my time at Mercy. Through the years from then to now, I was continually lured and enticed by the desires of my flesh--and I chose to let them rule me. A week without throwing up and a week consumed by it. And just six months ago I believed that throwing up once a week was freedom. Mostly because I was living life fuller and God's provision was evident. From the outside, no one knew. Because I wasn't consumed like before—its not like I was doing it twenty times a day, I rationalized.

This is not that big of a deal. I know you guys don't get it, but this is nothing compared to how it used to be. I really am okay. Great even.

So, thorn in my side I wrote off bulimia as something that I would just have to learn to manage. Yes, I was learning to manage my sin. And I really did think it was the victory promised.

Until this night where we stand together and yet very much separated as the consequence of my sin left me with a decision to make. Them or food. This mom and dad and siblings who love me or a number on a scale.

I don't think I need treatment. I can do this. I'll stop.

The truth is, I didn't want to give it up. Their counsel went against what any professional would say. Quitting anything cold turkey never brings lasting results? But I knew that God had worked a miracle to bring me to this house in the middle of no where Arkansas to restore me to Himself through the love and grace this mom and dad were giving me, and so in the quiet of my room I humbled myself before Him and told Him to fight because I didn't think it was possible. All I knew was that I wasn't ready to leave this family. Rules were put in place for my good and while it was hard, the discipline was in love and it was exactly what I needed.

When it was all over and all the hard words were swallowed down, a little bitter still stinging in my throat and a list unending of my failures and comparisons in my brain, they held me tight and that's when I realized just how much God loves me. That night it became real. Vision for a hope a future mattered more then food and the size of my pants.

Today as I look back six months or so, I am so grateful for God's grace in my life. The grace this mamma and daddy lavished on me. And more then anything, the way the holy spirit lived (and continues to live) inside of me. It is simply a miraculous work of God that He would equip me to walk in full freedom from an eating disorder. He really does fight for me because I couldn't do it.

I still can't do it. But today, His grace is sufficient.

This week I watched a mamma choose Jesus over her baby girl. I watched her hug her (not so) little girl goodbye, knowing that this might be the last time she saw her alive. We gave this little girl, my friend, my sister in Christ over to her sin because God does the same with us. Because we can't do this for her. Because she has to choose. I still don't fully understand how this is love, but I know God is and I know He calls us to be obedient to love her in this way. We love her so incredibly much it hurts. I helped her pack a bag and stood in the doorway as she went off into the dark night, unsure where she would sleep. We were going to move in together in a couple weeks. One choice and everything changes.

Whether it is what movie to watch or what to make for dinner--we all make choices and they lead one of two places. Life or death. God urges us to choose life, that we and our children may live.

I am learning to choose life. To speak life. And to believe that God does redeem lives--even the ones that I deem impossible or way too lost to ever 'get it.' Because that was me. Because apart from Christ in me, I am the bulimic, the drug addict, the liar, the murderer. But He gives me a new name--redeemed. It is a choice to believe it. It is a choice to live it. 

It's not over for T. It's not over for me. And it is not over for you. Let us choose life...life in Christ.

But exhort one another every day as long as it is called today, that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. Heb. 3:13

Testimony Tuesday: Grace and Mercy

This video is a horrific account of the pain and torment caused to one precious girl as a result of the sinfulness and depravity of man. As I watched it last night, my heart broke for her as I began to fume with anger and disgust towards the men and women who forced her to live through this hell. That was when it hit me—apart from Jesus Christ, that is me. Praise Him for His grace and mercy that are lavished upon us as we approach His throne with boldness in our time of need.  

It is so easy for me to forget who I am apart from Jesus Christ. How often I forget to recall just how unworthy I am--how hopeless I am--how depraved I am apart from Him. Here I am, a twenty-year old college student, intern for a non-profit, part of a discipleship program, surrounded by precious friends and family who love me. I love the Lord with all of my heart. I want to devote my life to fighting for enslaved, trafficked, and underprivileged women. I have dreams and visions. I love to serve and bless others. I know that apart from God's abundant and gentle grace and mercy in my short life, this is not where I would be at right now. But in His faithfulness, here I am...right?

In all reality, I am desire to be identified with all of these characteristics...smart, giving, sweet, helpful, selfless, loving, devoted, steadfast...and yet it is so rare that my flesh behaves in a manner worthy of such descriptions. I have to stinking nail my flesh into submission to even begin to possess these qualities much of the time. No, all the time. It rarely comes naturally, though I would often like to believe it does. I mean, I'm a pretty good person…right?

WRONG. Really, I'm not. No one ever had to teach me how to lie...to not share...to talk back to my parents. There's really nothing good in me. I am capable of anything and everything.

I easily lavish mercy and empathy upon victims of human sex-trafficking, itching to take her hands in mine, get uncomfortably close to her face, glaring directly into her eyes to tell her that she is loved intimately, selflessly, unconditionally, forever by the Almighty Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To shake her and tell her He is enough...that He is the ONLY way to freedom. That He can save her, redeem her, and cleanse even her deepest wounds. To tell just tell her that she is forgiven and free. It is glorifying...it is powerful...it makes sense.

What doesn’t make sense is that I would behave in the same manner to share the gospel with the man who abused his little girl all those years, with the mom who sold her niece to feed the family, with the owner of the brothel from which the victim was rescued, with the lost cop who forgot about the 12 year old tied to the bed downstairs when offered an hour with her for free. Have I forgotten the depth of Christ's love for us sinners? Can I not remember that apart from Him, I am capable of making the same decisions? The craziest part of it all is that I continue to find myself battling some of the very same issues as the individuals whom I peg as the ‘worst of the worst’ sinners…as if there are some sins less bad then others. 

Without Jesus that is who I am...consumed by wounds from past abuse, addicted to pornography, enslaved to an eating disorder, and ready to give up on life. I am so far from perfect that I wouldn't recognize perfection if it hit me on the head. Recently, the desire to go back to some of those old ways has reared its hideous head once again. As I continue to trudge my way through the battle, I am graciously reminded of my sick, ugly, incomprehensible depravity in this flesh. And yet, this painful realization and confession brings me to the throne of grace with boldness, for He suffered in every way that we do, yet was without sin.

Hebrews 4:14-16 says, "Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Wow. This means He not only sees me and knows me, but He can empathize with my hurt and fleshly desires. In the midst of my complete depravity, I don’t have to feel condemned and ridden by guilt from my choices. Instead, I get to approach Christ with confidence because I KNOW that He does not convict me of guilt nor shame, but of my righteousness…my right-standing with Him. I am learning that nothing compares to falling into His mercy and grace in my time of need. And this very same mercy and grace in which He lavishes upon me in my fleshliness and sinfulness is the exact same grace and mercy He offers to all who believe that Jesus is the way, the Truth and the life—even the abuser, the addict, the brothel owner, the pimp, and the murderer. I am in need of His grace and mercy just as much as they are.

When Grace Flows In

Don’t you just hate it when you’re hanging out with someone, having a great conversation and the next thing you know the words pouring forth from that individual’s lips are like a slap across the face?

Hello, conviction from the holy spirit. For some reason, this happens to me all the time.

I guess the Lord always finds a way to get through my thick coating of depravity as He ever so gently tugs at my heart, shaping and molding it to look more like Him. As I was bike riding with a friend this week, we started talking about my dad. I was frustrated with some things that have been going on in his life recently. As the words were coming out of my mouth, the holy sprit had already begun to pick and prod at my heart. As I finally took a breath after a good long vent of my feelings, I knew she would pounce on my words within moments.

Boy do I hate it when she is right! Especially when it means I am selfish, broken, bitter, and evidentially lacking grace entirely! But I also know that this was a profound moment in my spiritual journey that will leave me coming back to it over and over again. I had expressed great disappointment in my dad returning to some things he had been free from for so long.

With great exasperation, she nailed in hard, “Court, how can you expect him not to fail? I mean, look at you! How long did it take you to stop returning to the same darn things after coming to know Christ? And to think that you struggled with those things for seven years; your dad is only ten months into knowing Christ after living enslaved to something for a solid fifty plus years!”  

“The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more.” Romans 5:20

Flood, conviction, flood my selfish, hard heart.

This moment of realizing my inability to shed grace abundantly upon my dad taught me something about myself, in all of my sinfulness. Not only am I hard on myself when I screw up, but I am hard on those around me who fall into the hole as well. I have somehow lost touch with the unspeakable grace which is lavished upon me morning by morning. We kept riding as I thought through some of these strange and unexpected concepts.

As we continued to talk, I realized that the last thing my dad needs from me right now is the hard heart I tend to show him, even when I so desperately desire for him to see my changed heart. All he needs is a gentle pat on the back. He needs me to tell him that it’s okay…I mess up all the time. It really is okay to fail…it really is okay that you’re not perfect, dad. It really is that you’re not perfect, Court!

^“You know the generous grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. Though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty he could make you rich.” 2 Corinthians 8:9

For so long I have had this thought process about coming to know Christ all wrong. After you give your life to the Lord, one of two things can happen.

1.)    You get saved, then you begin doing good things, not messing up as much as you used to…seems like things are getting easier…like you’re just getting better as time goes by and you grow in Christ. The broken record playing in your head goes something like this: “This is so great…I finally have it mostly together. I was such a mess before I knew Jesus, but now life seems pretty good.” From the cross you are slowly going upward, since keeping it all together will you get you from salvation to heaven. As you get higher and higher upward, becoming more and more capable on your own, the cross gets smaller and smaller.

“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

2.)    You get saved, then you come to terms with your sinfulness in a sense. You see your sinful nature growing and growing the more time spend on this earth. Even though you know Jesus, you are mindful of your thickening depravity. The broken record playing in your head is something like this: “I was a mess before Christ, but I am more of a mess now. The more I grow and commune with Him, the more I see my sin.” From the cross, you are slowly going downward, since as time goes by you understand your own depravity more and more. As you get lower and lower downward, the cross just gets bigger and bigger.

I want to be mindful of my depravity. I am capable of anything and everything. I could do the unthinkable…the most sick, nasty, ugly, destructive, hurtful sin. That is me apart from Jesus. Lord let me not forget—bind this in my mind and heart. The more I come to know you, the more of a broken sinner I will see. Comparing your perfection and holiness to my brokenness and fleshliness alone should leave me undone.

So no longer will I start my testimony by explaining that several years ago I was a hopeless, broken, hurting and dying young girl consumed in a life of sin but then Jesus changed my life and now I am so much better. No, instead I will speak to the redemptive grace of Jesus Christ in my life day after day after day. I messed up today and I will mess up tomorrow. I don’t want to be going higher if it means the cross is getting smaller. God knows I need all the covering of the cross He has to offer! Morning after morning, His mercies are new, and boy is that a picture of His grace in my depravity.

^“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

The Consequence of Sin is Death

I have heard it a million times before—Sin always takes you further then you want to go, keeps you longer then you want to stay and costs you far more then you want to pay. Instant gratification feel so good in the moment. The desires and longings of our flesh are quieted. For a moment, that is. So I guess we should ask ourselves, does such a temporary gratification outweigh the cost of the sin that satisfies us?

I spent so many years of my life consumed in my sin. I lived to satisfy my flesh—instantly of course. Self-control? Patience? Gentleness? Joy? Peace? Yeah right…this was much better. Not for long. I have gotten the privilege of loving Jesus for the past three years of my life, still that same sinner. Now I realize my desperate need for a Savior. I understand the necessity of promoting fruit in my life over sin. I know that instant gratification solves nothing, it only destroys. Despite YEARS of the Lord healing my heart, drawing me closer to himself, teaching me to die to myself (and my very unwieldy flesh), walking in freedom, and graciously accepting His grace and mercies amidst my sin, I still struggle with the consequences of decisions I made YEARS AND YEARS ago.

At this point
 in my walk as a believer, I am beginning to face some unexpected consequences of past sin. The consequences of my lack of self-control, my desire to quiet the longings of my flesh by meeting them instantly. Hear it loud and clear—sin does cost you far more then you want to pay. Perspective is key. Oh how I wish I could have seen then the consequences that my decisions would bring forth in so many major and minor aspects of my life. Let’s just say I would have re-thought opening some of those doors to sin.

This past week or so I have been trudging my way through one consequence of a choice I made so carelessly so long ago. And of course I didn’t learn from it the first time I made it either; that would be far too simple! I had to make that same stupid decision again and again and again. Grace, grace and more grace. Praise Him that He makes us new—clean and upright in His sight.

Today was the climax of all of my trudging. I felt paralyzed by fear. Overwhelmed with hurt. Crippled by shame. Weighed down with old images flooding my mind. What a sight it was. How I wished I could turn back the clock…take captive the purity of my precious heart and mind. Sin yields death. But there is good news, and ohhh is it good!!! The FREE GIFT of God is eternal life!!!!  Apart from Him, I never knew how to live. I hungered for death; I felt dead, hopeless really. But He gave me life. Freely. That I will never fully comprehend. I know that He restores what the enemy has stolen. And today I experienced a beginning of that restoration. It was not easy to persevere through a necessary situation in spite of my mind screaming to just run outa there. But oh what a gift it is to overcome by His blood. And the protection of a sweet big sister in Christ makes it all that much more manageable.

Today, I experienced the consequence of my past sin in such a tangible way. And yet, His love for me remains. In the pit and on the mountain top…He loves me the same. How could I ever consider offering any bit of my affection to anyone or anything other then that God? Oh Lord, paralyze this heart of mine, for this is not my home. No one and nothing satisfies like you.

  "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

                                                                                                                         -Romans 6:23