On Saying Good Bye

As many of you know, I have had the privilege of playing "Mummy" to my two beautiful daughters this year. Each are from other ends of the earth, both cultures far different from mine, each with their own opposite personalities, various beliefs, unique passions and dreams, differing friend groups, etc yet in the midst of it all, we bonded as only a Mummy and daughter could.
I cannot begin to formulate the right words to describe the impact these two have had in my life this year. All I know is that He is faithful to provide--friends, daughters, and teachers through their lives.
As the year winds down, I wrestle in the bittersweetness of the pending goodbyes. I know my life has been changed by realtionship with these two. Much of my time outside of work or the classroom dedicated to pursuit of their hearts, a place which has brought me great joy in doing life intimately with them both. I feel as though a piece of my heart is being ripped out as I say goodbye.
Lately I stare at the ceiling at night, just wondering what will they do without me? How will they ever make it when they get back home? Prideful much...ummm yes.

The better question I avoid like a plague being, how in world will my life look without them?? What will it be like to no longer hear them shout "Mummy" as they jump into my car? As one mentioned in tears last night, Mummy, I call you everyday...I cannot imagine you just not being there. It is hard for me to imagine as well.

I have learned so much about dying to myself through them. About putting the needs of another above my own. About effectively (and NOT so effectively) being light in the darkness. About proclaiming with boldness the Truth in which I place my hope and trust. About boundaries. About walking with someone through the joys and the heartaches of life in a fallen world, nonetheless. That I cannot be the Holy Spirit, not even in my daughters' lives. They have taught me about grace--the need for it in their own lives and my own growing dependency upon it. About balance. About loving--the kind of love which has no bounds.

I hope and pray these girls know they are loved. By friends and family, by their "Mummy," but most of all by a God who loved them so deeply He sent His one and only Son to the cross to pay a price they could never pay to make a way for them to know a Holy God, a God who desires to pursue their hearts intimately not out of anything they could do to be good enough--just because He loves them, a God whose forgiveness and redemption I cannot imagine my life apart from.

So often, I desire to be the Holy Spirit. To convict, to judge the intentions of the heart, to convict some more. With my daughters that has been no exception. Still unaware of the exact proportions of meeting them in that place (wherever that may be) verses calling them out of it, speaking with gentleness verses boldness, encouraging them with Truth or challenging them with it.
Then there's the battle of my time. Boundaries really. I see the fruit begin to bud as they are distanced from the weekend parties, the stress of studies, the drama with friends. When they are imerrsed, even challenged by, quality time with myself, friends, believing community, my family. I see glimpses of light for one-- thoughts which consider the possibility of something far greater. Maybe "Mummy" is not just religious and moralistic. Maybe, just maybe. For the other our time breeds encouragement, hard questions, radical convictions. A practical guide to biblical roles as a woman, sister, daughter, future wife and mom. A weighty call to know Him and make Him known, on the other side of the world that is lost.

As I say a final goodbye to my daughters next week, we all three board planes to the ends of the earth, I pray that our lives may bear fruit which furthers the Kingdom as a result of doing life together this year.

I pray that one may boldly proclaim the gospel among unbelivers. That she would honor her family and love her friends in way which honors the Lord. That God would provide her with a community of other belivers, to challenge and encourage, hold accountable and worship alongside her. The she would not be lonely, but stand in awe of God's provision through His Bride, even on the other side of the world, trusting Him to provide again as she returns home. I ask that He would protect her from lies and discouragement. I pray for boldness that she may continue in her pursuit of Him for His name's sake alone.

For the other, I trust God is at work. I believe it is only by His Spirit at work in us that we may know Him---that we may even know our need for Him. I pray she might know her need for Him. I pray that lies would be exposed for what they are--that they would have no authority in her life. In faith, I await fruit with patience and joy for what is to come. I ask God would continue to place His followers around her. That He would captivate her heart in a way man never could. That should she find herself alone in brokenness, no where to look but up, in that moment she might look into His loving and righteous eyes, that He might pierce through the years of toil and heartache like only He can, redeeming the years the locusts have stolen.
Intrigued and hungry to bring the words of Life to a world bigger then my own, I know my life is forever changed as a result of these two women (both of whom are older then me) yet whom I am so incredibly blessed to call Daughter. He is faithful to set the solitary in families...even families across the seas.

Testimony Tuesday: Like Mother, Like Daughter

It started out a normal school-day like any other. Pulling myself out of bed, I stumbled into the shower as my eyes slowly adjusted to the brightness of another day. I soon escaped the heat of the bathroom for the coolness of my bedroom as I quickly dried off and began to dress. It had become a chore to get dressed by this point in my life—those ever-widening curves made all of my attempts at covering myself seem useless. The clothes sprawled out across the bed began overflowing onto the floor. It seemed the tornado had touched down in my room then continued spiraling its way into the distance, the rest of the house untouched in its perfection of cleanliness. Finally, something black—yes this will have to do! Gathering my stuff, I hastily ran out of my room, flipping off the light switch as I headed for the stairs.

Well, this morning, unlike any prior, I walked down the stairs to find my stomach begin to churn. With about five steps to go, I sensed her eyes looking me up and down, up and down. I felt the disgust, disappointment, and embarrassment from fifty feet away. I cringe just thinking about how this scene continued to play out—and the way it has shaped nearly a decade of my life.  

The words to follow stung. “Courtney, if you want to go back to LA Weightloss, I’ll sign you up today. I mean are you even trying?” Silence.  

I honestly don’t think she has ever realized the hurt of her eyes and words that morning. This moment has been engrained in my heart for nearly eight years now. Every time I walk down the stairs and sense her sitting on that couch, my stomach churns as I try my best to suck in my gut, stick out my chest, and swing my purse around for additional coverage. No matter how much weight I lose, the whole stomach churning when walking down the stairs to meet her criticizing eyes never does seem to dissipate any—not when I was thirteen and not now, in my twenties. It is so stupid! Some of it probably just in my head by this point, and she is not even looking at me that way.  

It was on this day that I decided to make myself throw up my lunch for the first time. I was covinced worked for awhile too—not that it quieted the gaze of her eyes and judgment in her heart any. I wish I had never made that decision, but I didn't know any better--I was insecure, lost, and on a desperate search for love. I have felt that I never measured up to my mom’s standards my entire life—never pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, bold enough, funny enough, or nice enough. I have battled this one out tirelessly for nearly a decade now, yet it continues to linger in my mind most days.

God’s word agrees…I am NOT good enough…nor will I ever be in comparison to Jesus Christ. That is why today I am desperately dependent upon Him. Only by His blood am I able to renew my mind and accept the Truth in exchange for such lies, but at the time I did not understand this concept apart from Christ.

Fast forward to now--just yesterday, I was with my mom visiting my grandmother in a rehab facility (she fell and broke her hip a couple weeks ago). My grandma asked me to water the flowers we had brought to her several days prior. I hesitated. I made up a couple excuses of why I didn’t want to, praying she would forget. She may have a broken hip, but lemme just tell you her memory is still going strong! Finally, I had run out of excuses—I stood up, sucked in my gut, stood up straighter, put my chest out, and awkwardly tried to narrow my hips by putting my hands on them. Within moments of rising to my feet I felt two sets of eyes judging and critiquing my body as I moved across the room, bent down to water the flowers, and as I sat back down I looked up to see my mom, eight years later, staring me up and down—still ashamed. I guess some things may never change—and that feeling that you are being judged will never be something I enjoy.

But one thing has changed from that morning walking down those stairs to face her gaze to now—I don’t have to measure up to her standards…I don’t need her approval…I don’t have to be good enough because that is something impossible to achieve. I know that the Word of God tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am flawless in His sight, that I am a new creation, that I am white as snow. Now I understand my position in Christ and who I am in Him.

After that afternoon in the nursing home, my mom and I were driving back home after leaving grandma’s and we were talking about her husband, Kevin, and how he was probably out to lunch or at a movie. “Well who did he go with?” I asked, interested. “No one,” she replied, “he doesn’t mind going to eat or see a movie by himself! In fact, he goes often” I laughed, completely picturing him, in all of his confidence doing just that. Of course he would! Shortly my mom broke my thoughtfulness, “Gosh, he really is crazy. I would never have the self-esteem to do that!!” I nodded my head in agreement as a grin formed across my face. Turns out the whole, “like mother, like daughter” concept is more fitting then I would ever like to admit.

Yesterday I realized that as much as my mom’s gazes, comments, and disappointments have hurt me over the years, she really doesn’t mean to hurt me—how could I ever expect her to gaze at me, curves and all, with pride and joy across her eyes when her mom never looked at her this way. How could I ever expect her to speak encouraging words about my appearance and character when she is constantly trying to change hers. How could I ever except her to be proud of me, to accept me, to tell me how much she loves me when she doesn’t know how to accept, be proud of, and love herself?

An hour later, my grandma calls to tell me that she is sorry for being such a grouch that afternoon while we were there. She went on to explain to me that her hair stylist had called and told her that she must look horrible since she had missed two appointments (since she was in the hospital.) My grandma made up every excuse to avoid going out to the dinning room to eat her meals with other elderly men and women to the point where she got angry with me for trying to encourage her to get out of her room and make some friends. Why? Well, she was convinced because of that one conversation that she looked hideous and ugly and was so embarrassed and scared of what the other women would think of her that she has now avoided leaving her room for almost two weeks.

The root of it all—insecurity…pride. Like mother, like daughter, like grand-daughter. Well it is broken here—in the precious name of Jesus Christ, my girls will not be enslaved to this generational curse of insecurity rooted in pride. I pray that my mom and grandmother could come to know the hope of life with Jesus Christ—that through Him their minds could be made new, that they would not continue to live out their lives bitter and fearful of what others think. That they may be set fear from this trap of insecurity and self-condemnation. That with knowing Christ, they may still hear the lies, but that they could be equip to fight the battle—praise God the victory is already won—even in my life! I needed this reminder today!! Oh is He ever faithful to complete the good work He began in us, until the day Christ returns.

“And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free!”  -John 8:32

This One is for the Moms



Me and My Sweet Mom



Mothers are created with a deep, intimate, indescribable and incomparable love for their daughters (and sons). Just as we are created to love and be loved by Christ, so a mother desires to love and be loved by her child. Unfortunately, when sin entered the world with Eve, she was suddenly unable to perfectly love her baby. I don’t know if she was too busy sewing together fig leaves to cover up her nakedness or if it was simply that sense of shame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness that crippled her from selflessly loving her baby, but I do know that from her, the very first mamma, generation after generation of mothers who would die for the well-being of their children fail at loving daily.

Today, some moms put their own needs first. Some abandon their babies all together. Others forget to say I love you and give their kiddos a warm embrace. Some end their child’s life before the baby even has a chance to live. Then there are those who give their children everything they could ever ask for if it just silences the needs of the child for a moment. Some are controlling and manipulative. Then there are many who just spit out hurtful words amidst a stressful day. Sin so destructively distorts that place where a mother’s love pours forth.

But there is good news! Jesus redeems. Jesus offers grace and mercy freely. Jesus came down to meet us in our sin and brokenness and hurt; He came to redeem what the enemy came to steal. Jesus came that mom’s may be set FREE to LOVE their children as He has selflessly loved us. We are sinners…were never gunna have it all together…nope, not even super mom. We are going to fail at loving our kids. But He never gives us more then we can bear and He always gives us a way out to stand up beneath. He has the power to break off these old mindsets. He has the power to restore relationships in the family unit. Through Him, forgiveness and healing are attainable—and freeing! In the name of Jesus Christ, generational sin—sin passed down from grandmother to mother to daughter to granddaughter is BROKEN OFF!!!

Last week I was spending some sweet time with a mother of four incredible kiddos. We were just hanging out and watching TLC. As we were just talking about the past week of our busy lives, I realized once again how much I learn from these indescribable hours of fellowship with godly moms and wives. Literally every day or night of this week I have spent hanging out with wives and moms. The Lord sets the solitary in families! How incredibly gracious and sovereign is He, that He would not only allow me to finally understand my own mom’s inability to love me well, that He would show me how very much she loves me, that He would strengthen me in this restoration process between my mom and I, and that all the while He has been surrounding me with Mother after Mother to love the stinkin heck out of me, to encourage me, and more then anything to teach me by example, by just doing life on life together, how to be a godly mom someday. Ohhhhh Lord, never let me forget your faithfulness in my life. Oh how you see me and know me INTIMATELY and LOVE me DEEPLY.

For all you mamas out there just doing the best you know how…you will never have the capacity to love your kiddos well, until you understand the depth and selflessness of Christ’s love for YOU!

Thank you mom, for always loving me the best you knew how. Thank you for sacrificing so much for me to always have everything I needed. Thank you for working hard to make ends meet day after day. You are a precious blessing in my life and I love you more then words will ever express! I am also overwhelmingly blessed by the godly wives and mommas in my life. Angel, Cindy, Meg, Ashley, Shelly, Julie, Kelli, Terri, Mama Fogt—thank you doesn’t even begin to express my gratitude for allowing me to be a part of your lives as well.   

My Beautiful Sisters!

Incredible Wives and Mamas!



Ashy and Shelly...amazing wives and mom to four!

Ash and My Mama Fogt

The One and Only Kelli Cossey :)

Me and Terri...super mom to six amazing kids!!

Precious Julie Hunter

Loveeeee this Woman soooo much!

My Big Sis and a Wonderful Wife!!!

Incredible Nurse, Wife to my big bro, Mama of 2 incredible kiddos and sweet sister!

My Sister...Incredible wife and mother of four amazing kiddos!

Greatest mama to a precious lil guy...amazing wife...loving sister!!!