On Christmas and The Flu

Unfortunately all my dreams of an entire day of playing with new toys and eating all the sugar my belly can take were short lived after a little encounter with the flu bug on Christmas. 18 hours of my day/night was spent sleeping, however I did press through to watch gifts being opened by nine littles and that was a sweet time, pile of kleenexes and all. I am going to miss this life in the country with eleven, going to miss it so very much.

After sleeping it off and fever breaking I woke up the next day just in time to spend some time with my best friend expecting twins in a couple of months! What a blessing that time was. They make me want to be pregnant. I'm telling ya what...I think this is the year of meeting my hubby. Maybe just maybe. 

Feeling those boys kick was the most incredible moment. I couldn't get enough. This mamma-to-be has walked through so much life with me and now two boys...blessed boys they are. Cannot wait to meet you Silas and Elijah. 

I think I was expecting this Christmas to be really emotional for some reason...knowing it is some of my last days in family life before moving out on my own...knowing it is just about a year since moving here and being so overwhlemed by all God has done....knowing my own dad is still in rehab--and still sober....knowing that God has so gracefully softened my heart twords my dad....knowing that the Lord is allowing me to feel uncomfortable in having no idea what this year will bring....knowing that Christ was born that He might die that I might live....knowing that one day the trumpets will sound and He will come once again.

And yes, while confined to the four walls of my room in silence thinking about all of this combined on Christmas evening I found myself heeped over my pillow snot pouring and tears flooding my face. And that was all short lived because my head felt like it might blow up from the crying--so I just had to be tough and pull it together.

I just had to trust when nothing in me felt like it. 

I just had to be still and know.

God's grace I think, abundant grace this Christmas.

Yes, this hat was in my stocking. And yes I got tears when I saw it. Proud to be a country girl. 

I adore this picture. I got him Duck Dynasty Season 1 and Mamma thought it was hilarious. 

They make me want to be married so badly. 

I made the girls these legit coupon books...one fun date with me every month for the year. Midnight Waffle House runs, rolls of cookie dough, tennis lessons, Love Comes Softly Movie Marathons.

And they thought they could get rid of me...

Love these little sisters. 

                                      Had to post this one too...boys and their guns. #countrylife

                                                                  Twin bump beauty

Dear Little Lives That Are Going to Be...

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."

                                                                   Psalm 143:8

The Past Year or So...
Dear little life that is yet to be,

Do you have any idea how badly you are desired? How earnestly so many voices are echoing a need to see you face to face? How loved you are even before you are real? How much your momma and daddy want you? The thought of you is so real. So real because we want to meet you so badly.

Little life that is yet to be, do you know that you are loved, that even before your creation, you are loved? Yes, right now. That is a crazy idea to grasp in this finite mind of mine—but somehow I love you and you don’t even exist. I suppose there has to come a point where faith crashes over what makes sense, drowning out the doubts and whys.

While I cannot imagine a perfect will of a sovereign God that does not have your name engrained upon His hands, I still choose to trust that it is indeed His sovereignty in which I must place my hope—whatever that means.

Because I trust Him, I know I can come boldly to His throne and cry out for mercy and grace in this time of need. For your mamma and daddy who want to know you so badly, for the doctors to have wisdom and discernment in helping your mamma have a fertile place for you to come into existence, for the ups and downs of this journey, for the waiting and trusting and hoping and waiting some more.

But really, I just know that whenever the Maker of the Universe, the One who holds the stars in the sky, the Alpha and Omega, beginning and end, Jehovah Rapha our healer, Jehovah Niessi our banner, the giver of life—whenever He decides it is time to meet you, little life that is yet to be, then you will simply be. One breath. 

He just needs to breathe into you one breath, to speak and you will be. Wow. I don’t get that. I cannot begin to wrap my brain around that. I just know He is able—beyond able. He is the only one worthy of our cries, our prayers—He hears them.  A broken and contrite heart pleases Him. So we rest and wait and trust and hope. We want you, little life that is yet to be, your mamma and daddy really, really want you.

So, we pray. Until He forms you in your mamma’s womb, in His unfathomable mercy. What a day that will be, what a miracle you will be. What a testimony to the greatness and grace of our sovereign God you will be, in faith, little life that is going to be.

Three Months Ago... {Guess what, little life that is yet to be—you are really going to be!!}

A Month (and a half) Ago... {Guess what, little [LIVES] that are going to be—there are THREE OF YOU!!!}

A Couple Weeks Ago...{One little life is sitting in Heaven with Jesus—and two of you have hearts still beating strong and so many who can't wait to meet you while you spend some time here on earth.} 

At the end of it all, He the author and perfector. He gives life and He takes it away. He is LORD. What an unfathomable blessing that He has chosen to give three lives at once, and that two of them we will get to meet soon. While the reality of a whole new life to come begins to settle in, there is no doubt in my mind what an incredible Daddy and Mamma you two are gunna make. I have seen time and time again in my life the way you have loved me as your own...taught me through doing life together, challenged me, counseled me, prayed for me, lavished grace upon me, laughed and cried with me—and continue to do so. Though, I guess a few things might change...like sharing my room when I come visit and not sleeping quite as soundly :) 

Truth be told, I am pretty jealous of these lil lives growing inside of Mamma as I type these words. Mostly because they get to grow up calling you two mom and dad for their whole lives. Day in and day out they get to watch the way their mamma trusts daddy and the way daddy protects mamma, the way they love each other so good, even in the mess. I can not imagine the legacy these little beans growing in your belly are going to leave. The way they are going to labor and wrestle to further the Kingdom and ultimately to know the King. At the end of it all, I guess this is it—what comes from the next generation. And the next and the one after that. It matters.

This is just the begining. New life brought forth out of your lives together, ultimately a testimony of God's faithfulness in all five of your lives. The thought of surrendering these babies to Him is something to be grasped—yet what peace there is in knowing that He is in control and His plan is perfect, even as we learn to count the trials joy. So exited to watch you two in your new roles as mamma and daddy...could not be anymore blessed kiddos then these two you get to raise!! 

Yes Mr. Luster, 'that is a lot of years to mess em' up'...so praise the Lord for unfathomable grace and mercies anew every morning!! 

Let's continue to intercede on behalf of the Lusters and the two being knit together inside, and the hearts of this mamma and daddy as they grieve the loss of a baby as well. 

Thankful today for these two lil heartbeats, a mamma and daddy who love Jesus above all else, and hope in Christ even in the hurt of life and the sting of death. 

As soon as she starts feeling like a functioning human again, I am sure you can find lots of updates over here from The Mamma!!! 

On Being Blessed {A Synchroblog}

Facebook is my own worst enemy these days, plastered with engagement rings and lil ones. Sometimes, it makes me wonder.

Wonder who my husband is...when and where and how I will meet him. Wonder how I will know he is the one God chose for me all the way back in the womb. I wonder if there is a husband in my future? Or if I'm the exception. I wonder if He's really equipped me to be content if so. I wonder how I will know.  I wonder what my babies will look like. How many the Lord will give. Whether I will carry them in my womb or carry them home on a plane.

Sometimes, the wondering is a slippery slope...pulling me out of the here and the now into a reality that has not been promised.

But more often then not, the wondering is a blessing.

 It is a reminder that my life is not really my own, even now when it is just me living it. That the act of the will which must align with Truth is not for nothing—Romans 12 has a greater purpose then simply what it does in me. That training myself to flee from sin, to renew my mind, to walk by the Spirit--that it is not solely about my own entanglement being loosed. Avoiding the entanglement & breaking free brings life—and life abundantly, also for the generations to come.

At the end of it all, the wondering gives me vision of the hope and the future that He promises. Even on the days that feel so hopeless, in the moments where the future seems too far to matter—the wondering somehow lures me back to hope in something more. It calls me to fight. To hold fast in the valleys and soak in the mountains.

Before salvation, I never knew opposition to sin. Surely, I was enslaved to it, but not opposed. In fact, my life revolved around pursuit of it. But I was in opposition to God. Today, it is the opposite. Yet, I have never thought of the consequences of such a shift--no longer an enemy of God, but now an enemy of sin. No wonder the battle is so demanding, so tough some days. 

Sometimes, I wonder what my life will be like in a year, in ten years. Sometimes I wonder what my babies will look like. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter will live freer then me. Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to raise one—or a dozen.

Some days, I am convinced I will never be prepared—to submit to a man when I struggle to submit to Christ. To raise babies of my own, when I struggle to patient with the lil ones in my house now. To wait on His perfection, when I am so busy striving for my own.

Everyday, I know that apart from Him I am a disaster. With Him I am one too. Without Him life is just too messy, too hard, too much--so I will remain a slave to the Spirit, to Christ, the risen One in whom I am blessed.

Today, I am blessed to hear a sermon on Romans 7. To take comfort in the battle that rages in my mind, the way it is no different from Paul's. I am blessed that he had the guts to be honest about it. I am blessed that His testimony gives me hope today.

Listen close, self. In the wondering—listen for His voice.

It is humming softly always, Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. 

But today, I am blessed because of the hope and future that draw so near in the wondering.

I am blessed to be living the hope and the future right now, too.

I am blessed, even when it seems the new hymn is stuck in the old flesh.

I am also blessed to read these words Emily writes over here. Check her out because you will love her too. She has a book coming out soon...you can pre-order it here! 

For the Fatherless

Did you grow up with a man to whom you cannot even grant the title father? When you think about the deep hurts and heartaches of your life, do you see the man whose genes and curse you bear?

Do you know that you are not alone? Actually wherever you are today…out to dinner, at a movie, standing in line at Walmart—half of the women around you can speak the same story. Coming from that place myself, let me tell you there is hope and freedom—only in Christ Jesus.

I often write about my daddy issues like over HERE, over HERE, over HERE and over HERE. Mostly because I think too many girls know the horrific pain, apart from the transformational hope. The church fails to meet the need, more often then acknowledging it. But men and women who fear the Lord—there is an overwhelming need of daughters without dads. And I guarantee they are sitting next to you in the pew every week.  

When I was a little girl, my dad did not protect me. When I was a young girl, my dad hurt me. When I was a teenage girl, my dad taught me I could not trust men. As a woman today, I am a mess!

Since knowing Him, God has strategically surrounded me with men who fear Him—and love me as He does. Yet the wounds from my past run deep, infection spreading to many areas of life, areas which I am yet to fully identify. I suppose He had the plan all along—He knew I needed gentleness and the flipping of the calendar in the way fatherly figures would pursue me. But then, at the age of twenty-one, He decided it was time for me to actually live beneath the very authority from which I have spent a lifetime running.

I just have to laugh. Laugh until I cry is more like it.

I watch the way he serves his wife, the way he disciplines his children because his love for them drives him to action. I watch him work hard to provide for his family, then come home and raise his boys while holding his girls’ hearts all at once. I notice the way he pursues his woman, honoring her in his thought and deed. I know that he fears the Lord more then anything else, and this is the only authority in his life. I know that by the grace of God in his life alone, he is different from the man whose genes I carry. So why is it so incredibly hard to believe it?

As I begin to see my heavenly Daddy through the lens of my spiritual one, the enemy continues prowling at the door, a roaring lion, ready to attack.

He tells me not to allow this adopted dad into my life. Fearful, my heart still jumps in my chest when he gives me a side-hug goodnight along with the rest of his daughters. I get so mad at myself too. I often think to myself—how could you, in your great power and love, still allow me to crumble in the consequences of decisions that were not even mine? Daddy, will you ever heal my brokenness?

Yet little do I notice, as the weeks and months pass, in the process of being made new, with great patience the way this spiritual mom and dad love me and protect me and counsel me is piercing through the stone in my heart. Sometimes I find myself wanting a hug goodnight. Though I often expect to be hurt upon making myself vulnerable as I hesitate to reveal my sin, fears, insecurities—he doesn’t hurt me. Actually, he often unloads the weight from my weary soul. That scares me too---is this also God’s desire in my life? Often times I find myself quiet, fearful of saying too much, requiring too much attention. When I do speak though, he is attentive and seems interested, even in the silly little things that don’t require deep conversation. Sometimes, I really just want to listen to him—to gather around the table and talk about the day, about life, about anything.

The Lord is like a Father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. Ps. 103:13

I am learning that so often I still see the Lord through this lens of my earthly dad. I know that He is not him, but I can’t help it. My adopted dad—he is wrecking all of that. Just by allowing me to come beneath his authority and his home, day after day he is peeling back layer upon layer of hurt, deception, and a perverted view of my Heavenly Daddy. As I begin to trust him little by little, my trust in and desire to proclaim the love of Christ is changing my world. I am in awe of God’s grace in my life that he would choose me, allow me for this season of time to draw closer to Himself, to the true and undefiled Him, through relationship with this father he has provided in His grace alone, for me. Even as I soak in this picture, I know my heavenly Father’s love so intimately, more so then before.

There is power in the way I am becoming aware of the perversion which the enemy has built up over the years, in the way I have consistently, subconsciously, sometimes unknowingly known and related to my Heavenly Daddy through the lens of my earthly one

So, here I am an adult woman, with this adopted dad who protects me, who loves the hurt right out of me, who is restoring trust. I sit and write as the tears flow, seeing the Father’s faithfulness in spite of me overwhelms.  

I do not understand the process. All I know is that you don’t get from point A to point Z in a day—in a year. This season, I am working on point A to point B. And that is about all I can handle. Which of course, the LORD knows—and never will He give you or me more then we can handle, yet always He will provide a way out for us to stand up beneath. That is GOOD NEWS. Hello GRACE, oh how my dependency is in you. I will submit to the PROCESS!!


Ask the Lord will provide you a spiritual dad to fill in the gap. Pursue it. Practice submitting to the authority of a God-fearing couple. It is so freeing, even for a control-freak like me! Do life with them. There is only so much us fatherless women can learn from a book. Ask that God would reveal areas which your view of Him is not accurate. Trust that He is the perfect Father--He will never fail you or forsake you. Stand on guard against the enemy. Praise the King, that He has overcome the world!! Rest in the process...little by little, all in His grace and patience. 

27“I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run. 28I will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. 29But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. 30Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.

                                                                                             Exodus 23:27-30

Dads, where are you??

We are a generation of young women crying out for our dads. The more time I spend with young girls, the angrier I become. Their stories of loneliness and insecurity, of abuse and neglect, of feeling void inside, of never learning how to do certain things, of never having discipline, of the fears they have as they approach adulthood and marriage. As these girls passionately preach to me about their desire for wealth, self-sufficiency, and a noteworthy career my heart breaks inside. Such things will not last! Will the generational curse ever stop?

They want to challenge this picture of a biblical marriage…of the roles a man and woman should play. They have grown up in a society that tells them they can be anything they want; they can have it all—they can be just as smart, powerful, respected, and renown as any man. They don’t have to sit at home with the kids all day, wash the dishes, or have dinner on the table when their husband walks through the door. They refuse to be his slave. Oh no, they can be so much more then THAT. Such tasks are so belittling. 

These young women think that submission to a man in marriage is from the olden days—no one does that anymore. Several of these girls think ‘I won’t have to submit if I am just as good as he is.’ They reason that there are two people in a marriage, so why should they have to be the ones to always sacrifice their dreams and desires for their husband? No one should have more power—we must be equal. They explain to me how they could never stay home all day with the kids—why couldn’t their husband do that? “What if I wanted to be the one to come home to dinner on the table after a hard days work,” they ponder aloud. The opportunities are endless.

Where are you dads?

I don’t know what the Lord is trying to show me; I don’t understand His timing. But every single conversation I have had with teenage girls lately consistently comes back to this underlying cry for a father, whether they realize it or not. It is so, the cry of my heart as well.

I feel as if I am beating up against brick wall, over and over. This generation of young women has made up its mind; submitting to one’s husband, sacrificing a career for a family, dying to self to love another human being like Christ, signing a covenant before the Lord that divorce is not an option—these are not priorities for them…period.

Dads where are you?

Lord, I thank you that you are the PERFECT FATHER. As I am coming to a deeper understanding of imperfections and let-downs in life, I TRUST that even when my earthly dad fails me, even when my spiritual dads let me down…that you REMAIN—the Perfect Father who will never leave or forsake me. Praise to you that I know where you are—and that you protect me like a big, strong daddy should.

Oh Lord, I praise you for the convictions you have so engrained into my heart. Thank you for strengthening me to remain steadfast in those convictions—even when opposition surrounds. I pray that you will teach me to soften my words that I may be a sweet aroma to those around me, those who may not share the same ideas about dating, marriage and motherhood—Lord use my past, use the work you are doing in my heart…may my voice be firm and steadfast, yet gentle and wise. Lord, I will not settle—I will remain faithful to the hope to which you have called me in Christ Jesus. Thank you for surrounding me with women (and their husbands) who share similar convictions and are living them out—thank you for placing women in my life to teach me and challenge me. You are ever faithful to complete the good work you began. (Phil. 1:6)

A Sweet Wedding

So on Saturday night I got to celebrate the marriage of my precious roommate and her husband. Heather and Drew starting courting and were engaged in a matter of weeks! What a blessing it was to be able to watch the whole process up close and to see God's faithfulness and perfect timing in bringing them together the way He did.

I can remember their first date...Heather really wasn't even sure she wanted to go that night! I was at a conference that night and rushed home anxious to get all the details on how it went before she went to bed. I was shocked to walk into our apartment well after 10pm to find out that she wasn't even home yet! For Heather, this is a big deal...she's pretty mindful of maintaining her 10 o'clock bedtime. I did a few things and settled down with a book on the couch. FINALLY I heard the key turn in the door.

She walked in with this giddy smile on her face and I knew in that moment he must have been pretty great, considering she wasn't even wanting to go in the first place. I asked a million questions until she shut her door on me and went to bed! She just kept saying in her sweet little girly voice, "I just really like him." It was clear that he was serious about pursuing her and that they had a lot in common--especially their love for Jesus Christ. This was just the first of many dates to follow in the weeks to come. I would say after about 2 weeks I knew this was the man the Lord had set apart for her and it was just a matter of time. I started placing bets on how long it would take him to pop the question. Turns out, I overestimated just a bit.

It was a Friday night and I headed home from work around six. I walked into the apartment and I see all of these flowers everywhere. As my eyes continue to move upwards, there's Drew sitting at our counter. This wasn't unusual though--they were doing something together most nights at this point. I said Hi as usual and walked towards my room. Then Heather walks out of her room with this weird look on her face--half elated and half speechless. As I looked up at her, I couldn't help but smile...why was she being so weird?
 
"Heyyyy. What are you two up to tonight?" I asked as I paused outside of my bedroom.
"Well," she began, "we're gettin' marrrrried!"

Honestly, I looked at her and smiled, rolling my eyes.
"Yeah right. Very funny." I murmured as I walked into my room to put my stuff down.

See, Drew and Heather have a history of taking advantage of my gullibility and I was determined not to fall for their joke this time.

I walked back out, Heather standing awkwardly in the kitchen and Drew just sitting at the countertop. I looked at him, straight in the eyes. "You're joking, right? I'm NOT falling for it this time! Nice try though."

As I walk into the kitchen and gaze more closely at Heather, it hit me; she is not kidding. It was funny because looking back I don't even think we said anything to each other in the moments to follow--as soon as I really looked at her, it hit me that she was serious. I started screaming and hugging her, begging for details. Shocked does not begin to describe what I was thinking--completely at a loss for words really. It hadn't even been three months since they had gone on that first date to get coffee!

Turns out, Drew had just proposed minutes before and they hadn't told anyone yet! Over that weekend, I watched Heather go into full wedding planning mode! They decided the big day would come not even two months later! After marrying in an intimate ceremony with family on June 26th in Napa Valley, CA, Heather and Drew had a huge reception this past weekend for all of their family and friends to join them in this celebration.

On Saturday, we all gathered to share in this beautiful celebration of two becoming one. Unlike most wedding receptions I have been to, Heather and Drew chose to have the reception to celebrate their marriage, but more importantly to share the gospel. Drew shared their story and then the man who married them, Kevin, shared a bit about the ceremony and their vows. Finally, a pastor from a local church here in Fayetteville preached a brief but impactful message about biblical marriage.

He emphasized to the men that as a husband, it is important to remember that this woman with whom you wed is only your wife here on earth. Scripture reminds us that our time here on earth is like the blink of an eye in comparison to eternity in heaven. He continued by explaining that the way a husband respects, cherishes, provides for, loves, and leads his wife on this earth is of huge importance because ultimately a man must think of his wife as his sister in Christ, more then anything else.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

That just as a man would love, honor, protect, and value his sister he is responsible for doing the same for this woman to whom he is wed. Though they are only united by a covenant bond, there will come a day when he approaches the throne and comes before the Lord He will present this woman before the Lord, having protected her, loved her, pointed her to Christ, cleaved to her through it all. He will never leave her. What a picture of what Christ has done for us. And what an incredible gift that a marriage submitted beneath the headship of Christ enables a husband to present his wife as his sister in Christ, beloved, protected, and kept pure in her time on this earth. What a responsibility a man has as a husband!

He also touched on Song of Solomon and pointed out what a beautiful picture it is that in the midst of this sinful world...while we are living on this earth amidst so much junk, the Lord allows us to see through a book like Song of Solomon that man and woman still get to enjoy pleasuring in one another as husband and wife...that there is JOY in marriage, that is so much more then getting through it til death does you part, so much more then dinners and fights and babies and grandkids...the Lord allows these two people to come together and ENJOY one another, LOVE one another in a way that doesn’t compare to any other earthly relationship. What a blessing godly marriage is.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson! Thank you for allowing all of us to celebrate alongside you and for sharing the Truth of God's word as it pertains to marriage!