Thoughts From a Proud Little Sister

Before I begin endless rambles about my time in India, I cannot resist this opportunity to brag on my big brother and his beautiful wife (and the most handsome two year old in the world of course).

During my time in St. Louis this weekend, I was privileged to go to Freedom Church, a church plant of dear friends of my siblings. It is always a joy to worship Jesus and receive the Word with all of my siblings and their families when I come to town. I love that they have all committed to be apart of one body and to do life together in this way. Selfishly, I am slightly jealous that I miss out on this fellowship with them each week.

Anyhow, their church is growing and the leadership decided it was indeed time to delegate some of the responsibility for this hungry flock over to another individual—particularly leadership over the youth. So my brother and his wife were officially introduced before the church body as the new youth leaders for Freedom Church. 

Ever since they have come into my life, I have had so much respect for both of my big brothers. I am always in awe of God's faithfulness to redeem the future generations—something I see so tangibly through the way both of my brothers fear the Lord and desire to raise their kiddos to do likewise. They are putting an end to the curse our dad has left us. It is beautiful.

Ryan and Megan in particular were instrumental in my coming to Christ. As a result, talking to them about Jesus has always come naturally, but the past year or two has been really challenging for me as a little sister all the way in Arkansas to really have an intimate relationship with my bro and his wife. We stay in touch—though I am a bit ashamed to confess that if it weren't for Facebook, I would feel much more out of the loop. But we manage. Seasons come and go.

Throughout this season, I have spent much time asking God to move in all of my siblings lives—that we might all know Him more intimately. As a little sister, it is often difficult for me to know how to encourage my older siblings...how to initiate real conversations about the Lord when He is constantly working in all of our lives, though difficult to articulate monthly or every six months when I see them. This sounds odd, but it is something I really battle with.  I long to be apart of all the different seasons He takes them through. And I so desperately desire for them to know my seasons—I look forward to a day we can live this out with fewer miles that separate us, but for now the glimpses are sweeter.

This weekend being present for this moment which God has been preparing them for all along was one of the sweetest moments. It made me forget the distance, my inability to communicate the Spirit that lives in me, it allowed me to see Christ's work in their lives over the past year or two—all in this one moment. As a little sister, I have always looked up to Rye. I have always known God set Him apart for a purpose far greater then anything he would ever dream for himself. We have that in common—thinking we could never step into a role for which only God calls and equips—it takes us a bit longer to be convinced, but eventually our desire to obey and glorify breaks through the fear and doubt.

As Ryan stood before this body of believers on Sunday, his faithful helper and prayer warrior standing at his side (joyful tears upon her cheeks of course), and began to share how nervous but excited he and Meg are to be stepping into this role, the tears just began to fall for me as well. My brother has been through so much. God has always been faithful, but in that moment I saw the Spirit speaking through my brother. I saw Jesus radiating from the inner place. I saw joy that is his strength. I saw hours and hours my sister spent on her knees, interceding on behalf of my brother, for Him to be equip to lead their family, interceding for God's plan in their lives—a faithful wife. I saw days and weeks and months of God's relentless pursuit of him and my sister—to challenge them in their faith and call them to trust Him more. I saw life being restored even in those moments—for Him but also for me. I pray that this is exactly what these youth will see as well. My brother's obedience points me to hope even more in Christ. He makes me want to know Him more, to trust Him, to pray boldly and expect Him to answer, according to His will over my own. To see him and Meg step into this new season, this new role refreshes the reality that He does indeed make all things new...that He is doing a new thing, making a way in the wilderness even (Isa. 43:19).

Big Bro, I am so incredibly excited to see how God is going to allow you and Meg to lead these students, and by his grace alone to point them to Him. I am so proud of you brother, and I am here, your biggest cheerleader in the South! Thank you for going first...for bearing some of the weight our dad is too weak to uphold. Thank you for giving me hope that life with Christ shatters the darkness. Thank you for stepping into the newness and liberating me to follow, despite fear and pride.

Sister, this has been a role I have been confident you would be gifted to fill for years now—and am excited to watch Him use you in these young girls' lives. More then anything though, watching you in the dry seasons...hearing you testify to having to trust Him when life made no sense...when He spoke so boldly to you, but you knew you had to be patient. When you wanted to control, but He told you to pray. And you did. Just look at this itty bitty glimpse of His plan that He has revealed—rejoice and get back on your knees and keep praying because this is only the beginning!!!

Oh yeah and to the both of you—you just remember how I always used to tell you that even in my darkest pit that y'all had to help me out of, He was using my mess to prepare you for something far greater...consider that your initiation into life with youth!! I am totally kidding—sort of. God has been preparing you, yes even through all that stuff. It will be messy, but His grace far exceeds the mess. Praise Jesus, this is good news for us all!


"And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." (1 Corinthians 2:1-5 ESV)


Friends, please pray for this precious family—for protection from attacks of the enemy, for wisdom in counseling youth, for boldness in teaching the Word, for unity as a couple, for enough time in the day to simply be filled with Truth, and so much more as the Spirit leads.

Sincerely,
One Proud Sister in the South

For the Fatherless

Did you grow up with a man to whom you cannot even grant the title father? When you think about the deep hurts and heartaches of your life, do you see the man whose genes and curse you bear?

Do you know that you are not alone? Actually wherever you are today…out to dinner, at a movie, standing in line at Walmart—half of the women around you can speak the same story. Coming from that place myself, let me tell you there is hope and freedom—only in Christ Jesus.

I often write about my daddy issues like over HERE, over HERE, over HERE and over HERE. Mostly because I think too many girls know the horrific pain, apart from the transformational hope. The church fails to meet the need, more often then acknowledging it. But men and women who fear the Lord—there is an overwhelming need of daughters without dads. And I guarantee they are sitting next to you in the pew every week.  

When I was a little girl, my dad did not protect me. When I was a young girl, my dad hurt me. When I was a teenage girl, my dad taught me I could not trust men. As a woman today, I am a mess!

Since knowing Him, God has strategically surrounded me with men who fear Him—and love me as He does. Yet the wounds from my past run deep, infection spreading to many areas of life, areas which I am yet to fully identify. I suppose He had the plan all along—He knew I needed gentleness and the flipping of the calendar in the way fatherly figures would pursue me. But then, at the age of twenty-one, He decided it was time for me to actually live beneath the very authority from which I have spent a lifetime running.

I just have to laugh. Laugh until I cry is more like it.

I watch the way he serves his wife, the way he disciplines his children because his love for them drives him to action. I watch him work hard to provide for his family, then come home and raise his boys while holding his girls’ hearts all at once. I notice the way he pursues his woman, honoring her in his thought and deed. I know that he fears the Lord more then anything else, and this is the only authority in his life. I know that by the grace of God in his life alone, he is different from the man whose genes I carry. So why is it so incredibly hard to believe it?

As I begin to see my heavenly Daddy through the lens of my spiritual one, the enemy continues prowling at the door, a roaring lion, ready to attack.

He tells me not to allow this adopted dad into my life. Fearful, my heart still jumps in my chest when he gives me a side-hug goodnight along with the rest of his daughters. I get so mad at myself too. I often think to myself—how could you, in your great power and love, still allow me to crumble in the consequences of decisions that were not even mine? Daddy, will you ever heal my brokenness?

Yet little do I notice, as the weeks and months pass, in the process of being made new, with great patience the way this spiritual mom and dad love me and protect me and counsel me is piercing through the stone in my heart. Sometimes I find myself wanting a hug goodnight. Though I often expect to be hurt upon making myself vulnerable as I hesitate to reveal my sin, fears, insecurities—he doesn’t hurt me. Actually, he often unloads the weight from my weary soul. That scares me too---is this also God’s desire in my life? Often times I find myself quiet, fearful of saying too much, requiring too much attention. When I do speak though, he is attentive and seems interested, even in the silly little things that don’t require deep conversation. Sometimes, I really just want to listen to him—to gather around the table and talk about the day, about life, about anything.

The Lord is like a Father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. Ps. 103:13

I am learning that so often I still see the Lord through this lens of my earthly dad. I know that He is not him, but I can’t help it. My adopted dad—he is wrecking all of that. Just by allowing me to come beneath his authority and his home, day after day he is peeling back layer upon layer of hurt, deception, and a perverted view of my Heavenly Daddy. As I begin to trust him little by little, my trust in and desire to proclaim the love of Christ is changing my world. I am in awe of God’s grace in my life that he would choose me, allow me for this season of time to draw closer to Himself, to the true and undefiled Him, through relationship with this father he has provided in His grace alone, for me. Even as I soak in this picture, I know my heavenly Father’s love so intimately, more so then before.

There is power in the way I am becoming aware of the perversion which the enemy has built up over the years, in the way I have consistently, subconsciously, sometimes unknowingly known and related to my Heavenly Daddy through the lens of my earthly one

So, here I am an adult woman, with this adopted dad who protects me, who loves the hurt right out of me, who is restoring trust. I sit and write as the tears flow, seeing the Father’s faithfulness in spite of me overwhelms.  

I do not understand the process. All I know is that you don’t get from point A to point Z in a day—in a year. This season, I am working on point A to point B. And that is about all I can handle. Which of course, the LORD knows—and never will He give you or me more then we can handle, yet always He will provide a way out for us to stand up beneath. That is GOOD NEWS. Hello GRACE, oh how my dependency is in you. I will submit to the PROCESS!!


Ask the Lord will provide you a spiritual dad to fill in the gap. Pursue it. Practice submitting to the authority of a God-fearing couple. It is so freeing, even for a control-freak like me! Do life with them. There is only so much us fatherless women can learn from a book. Ask that God would reveal areas which your view of Him is not accurate. Trust that He is the perfect Father--He will never fail you or forsake you. Stand on guard against the enemy. Praise the King, that He has overcome the world!! Rest in the process...little by little, all in His grace and patience. 

27“I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run. 28I will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. 29But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. 30Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.

                                                                                             Exodus 23:27-30

Breaking the Curse

Last night I got to go spend some time with my precious brother and sister-in-law and my lil nephew. I love getting to go spend time with them…it doesn’t happen often enough!! I really wasn’t expecting anything but sweet time to catch up with my sister and to play with the little man. Of course, the Lord loves to use unrepentant moments such as these to teach me.

I have learned a lot about generational curses and generational sin over the past few years. When I look at the line from which I come, there are a good handful of addictions, behaviors, and mind-sets that have been passed down for many generations. Alcoholism. Divorce. Materialism. Financial issues. Anger. Abuse. Disease. Depression. Control Issues. Perfectionism. Abandonment. These are just a few. I have spent hours upon hours boldly proclaiming the name of JESUS over these issues over the past several years. In fact, this was one of the very first concepts I learned during my time at Mercy Ministries—the importance of breaking generational patterns in the name of Jesus Christ.

As time has passed the reality of the war being waged has only amplified day after day. After spending six months in a dating relationship over this past year, I think I was even further awakened to the gravity of the war going on when it comes to these generational sins. There were several times when I was in that relationship that I found myself doing some of the things I swore I would never ever imitate from my parents relationship. Then of course, there is just the paralyzing fear that no matter how much I pray, no matter how many generational sins I triumph over by speaking the name of Jesus, that no matter how different my husband is from my dad, no matter how different I am as a mom one day, that no matter how powerful the name of Christ is to break those curses that I will still remain enslaved to some of them—that I pass these generations of baggage on down to my own precious kids one day. I honestly think that is one of my greatest fears—that I would fail as a wife, mother and believer in that way.  

But tonight, tonight the Lord gave me a precious and unmistakable glimpse into a scene only He could create. Tonight some of those fears and doubts were silenced forever. Tonight I saw the chains loosed on the floor…the prison doors wide open…the ashes forming something beautiful. Tonight I heard those millions of prayers offered up to the Heavens hovering so near. Tonight I felt the gentle hand of God himself mold my heart together a little tighter, healing the brokenness. Tonight I witnessed a miracle. Tonight, the scene that played out before me was impossible apart from the chain-breaking, infinite, sovereign, unchanging, transforming, sin-shattering name of Jesus Christ. All I know is that only by His gracious power and infinite mercies can such generational sin shatter before my very eyes.

As I stood, leaning on the countertop, I watched my brother hold my little nephew close to his chest. They sat on the couch together, Jacob finally content—all he needed was to just be in his daddy’s lap. A little while later they got up and my brother took Jacob downstairs to play. As they were walking down the stairs, my sister just started laughing as she was glancing in their direction. As I looked up to see what she was snickering about I couldn’t help but smile—and in that moment the Lord spoke ever so clearly to me that this was just a little glimpse into how HE is the perfect Father and HE will break generations of sin. Tonight, through my brother, He showed me a real-life, tangible picture of His ability to do so—like a seal, a promise, a reminder really—of His faithfulness and ability to lavish the same redemption and freedom upon my life and my family’s lives one day.

 Here was my big brother, just hours after confessing to me his own hurts and heartaches and frustration with our dad lately (as a result of generational sin), but here he was carrying his own son down the steps to go play, not even realizing that they were dressed exactly the same…work out shorts and a grey t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. His kiddo is not even two yet and he already wants to be just like his daddy. As I watch Ryan interact with his son, I don’t see the hurt he has from his relationship with our dad—I don’t see the bitterness—I don’t see the unforgiveness—I don’t see one speck of conditional love. My precious nephew already wants to be just like his daddy because my brother loves his son with the love of Christ. I know this because if he relied on himself, he could never love Jacob freely—the generational curses would continue through that inability to love like Jesus. Seeing the boys, matching outfits and all, walking downstairs to play was such a testimony to the powerful name of Jesus Christ. Through Him, the battle over generational sins has already been WON!

All I could do was laugh—laughing at the preciousness of that moment, laughing at the irony of it all, laughing in the face of the enemy, who so desperately desires to see my brother fall into the same curses as our dad. Last night I learned that sometimes you just have to laugh—God’s faithfulness is just beyond words. 

Thank you, big brother for dying to yourself—your hurts, bitterness, heartaches, wounds from the past—and allowing the love of Jesus Christ to radiate through you and your imperfections to just wholeheartedly love that precious boy who is so incredibly blessed to call you daddy. You have shown me that this is real—generational sins that have been passed down through our family for centuries ARE broken in the name of Jesus Christ, in spite of our sinfulness and our failures—He is STILL BIGGER and MORE ABLE.

He redeems and He transforms, He renews and HE restores! 

“But if they confess their iniquity and THE INIQUITY OF THEIR FATHERS, with their unfaithfulness in which they were unfaithful to Me, and that they also have walked contrary to Me … then I will remember My covenant with Jacob, and My covenant with Isaac and My covenant with Abraham I will remember …” (Leviticus 26:40, 42)