Naked Glory and All

It is cold and I crouch down atop a rock in the cover of the bush. I live in the shadow and no one sees me. Sweat drips down my cheek. Darkness conceals my figure so I linger a while.

The orange and red and yellow crunch beneath my steps. As secret as I try to be, my costume is unmasked but their ears are blind in the dark. My breath is heavy and my adrenaline fully alive. They don’t recognize the leaves crunching or my steps getting closer. The night sky is lit as the ball glows a little too brilliant to hide me.

I wear the brush and tall grass a disguise and I think of Eve in the garden. I feel the weight and I am so thankful it is not mine to bear and yet I do so often. Even under my layers of fabric I feel a little shame, even now.

They pass in squeals and whispers and I crouch down low to the dirt. I came from the rib that came from this ground and laying here I remember. The shame distracted by purpose. That rib had a purpose and now so do I. Oh glory!

I wait. Wait for it. Breathe. In and Out. The seconds counted with pulse and my mission is sure. I linger in the dark a bit longer.

Then, finally. They hit the dock and I take off running...

Okay, maybe it wasn't so movie like. Maybe it was more stumbling my way through the dark woods with a great limp on my left and adrenaline thrusting my body into some summersault of forward motion. I trip and rise and the prickles wedge beneath my flesh but none of it matters because my mission is light and the end is getting brighter.

Along the way there is a clamor of screams as their skin splashes across that cold water and then silence.

They are under and drowning in the rush of nakedness beneath the lake and I think they are being set free down there. Chains unlatched and shame unscrewed as I watch the fig leaves float away. I remember and I want it. Heads begin to bob and arms are reaching and voices are raised with praise as their breath filters in puffs through the cold air.

My feet tap across the dock and I make a clean sweep for the towels and a shoe lingers somewhere too. A few are pulling up onto the dock now all clothed in glory and I pivot and run back into the darkness, arms full as I am swallowed up once more.

I drop it all in the dirt just at the edge of the dock but they don't know it. I wanted to take it all the way back but that would be mean. And slightly hilarious. But this is enough.

I hear them, their heated whispers and scrambling shuffles as the panic spreads. The dock shakes some and I chuckle in the disguise behind the shadows. Success. Watching them realize they cannot cover up their nakedness brings me to the ground in laughter.  Soooooo funny.

And then the spirit touches me like a match to a wick and I get it, fire aflame deep inside because the enemy himself is just up that hill behind the tree laughing at me in the dark, the fool who wouldn't jump off that dock, the one who wouldn't strip down to my skin because the shame is too much to bear.

Because without fig leaves I want to hide in fear as I hear his footsteps gaining. Oh, I wish I could have jumped. 

Satan is the father of lies, a thief in the night and most of the time you wonder around in the dark just waiting for him to remind you of which tree you cannot eat, only so that you give yourself permission to take a big ole' chomp. You want to be like God on the outside but your heart is clothed in shame. He is sneaky and hides in the darkness, and yet his tactics are nothing new.

And so often that is me—too busy trying to free myself by covering up that I don't even hear the enemy prowling in the night. 

It is the reason that even under all these fall layers and brown boots, covered in color on my face and curls around my neck—even in these glory moments where I breathe in the fearful and wonderful of my making, even here I bear the weight of the shame because he is a thief in the night and I have missed his footsteps and let him steal my covering over and over again. 

We feel the weight of the apple and the nakedness and the shame. And so, we hide in the trees because it's safer then jumping in naked. I am thankful for this weekend with these sisters who jumped and joyfully watched their fig leaves float off into the morning rising. So thankful.

I deserve to return to dust and instead He makes me garments and clothes me in righteousness. Then He protects me from eating the apple of eternity, that someday I might be free from my shame, shame that ultimately He never intended for me to bear. He gives an end to the shame {a way out} and some day fig leaves will be a fashion of a life long past.

Too often, I forget that He made me a covering and gave me death that I might have eternity to wear it. 

And at the sound of His coming, let us not be found hiding in fear and covered in shame. Let's wear righteousness like a gown and maybe then the shame will fade as we endure on this earth,

and then one day soon dirt turned rib turned woman can be redeemed to naked glory and all.


And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.
(Genesis 3:21 ESV)


He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.
(Genesis 3:24 ESV)

Friendships: On Hobbling into Eternity

I drive down the windy road, covered in darkness and flashes of light. I pass the street and I remember.

I haven't driven these roads much over the past four years, as it seems for most with our high school diplomas in hand, off we fly—all in different directions of course, without looking back. 

And then four years later, another diploma in hand you find yourself driving down that road and walking in that house and seeing that momma, a little more wrinkled and grey—you see and you smell and you breathe those moments all over again. Then you cry because of the promises unkept and the relationships lost and you swear you didn't see it coming, though you were given fair warning. 

I remember walking down this road, ten feet deep in layers of hoodies and scarfs and socks, the ones that go up to your knees, the ones that are tie-die, boasting all the colors of the rainbow. Leggings and sweatpants miles deep. Oh, and yes, I thought I was the greatest thing on earth in those socks. I remember walking and looking up, gazing at those little white lights as we wiggled our way down the curves. 

The road ahead seemed clear and narrow, lined out with the moon glimmering off the crystal white surrounding. We walked in linked arms and we knew the road would be long and hilly, we couldn't exactly see beyond the night, but we had the same vision and we held on tighter. I remember watching my breath come out into a puff of exhaustion and joy all steamed together. And I remember hiking up the hill after we flew down it, the greatness of it all, the way we all talked with our eyes and knew in our hearts we would raise babies together one day.

My hair was brown then and I laughed louder and I hugged boys without thinking and I didn't care what people thought so much. Life seemed so complicated, relationships messy but in hindsight, it was all oh so simple. 

Little sisters, ride on the simplicity of it all because one day you will blink and it will all look a little uglier, a little more complex.

Mostly, I remember being with her. I remember the others too, the ones that have since long faded into Facebook photos and random status likes over these four years. I remember her because we made it—we passed the test time and time again and I don't understand it but I don't ask because in the mountaintops and the pits of life, she has remained, arm linked in mine. 

I envy those people who just attract friends with a wink. It's not like that for me. It's a labor and a lifelong one. I think too much and try too hard. I invest my whole heart and when it breaks, my life crumbles and I cry a lot. 

I expect a lot too. I love deep and I try to be real because sometimes the mask gets too hot. 

Even tonight as I saw her but a minute, I drove down that road remembering and I walked in and I looked into her eyes and I saw the past six years and I remembered and it felt safe, even in the doubt I trust because she's earned it. The smell of her house floods my nostrils  as we sit—with moments that somehow summed up my life outside of the high school classroom all rushing in because they were most often here, here in this place where the spirit still grips my heart so tight. 

I can't decide if I should laugh or cry so I smile. I grew up with her, mostly right here in this basement where we first met and she fed me milk as I became a new creation and learned to chew solid food. I fell in love with Jesus and tried to run away a million times and she's watched it all, talked me back with her bold words more then a handful. We have to take planes to link arms now, and it happens way less then I ever thought possible, but somehow God's grace has been enough. We used to tell stories with our eyes and now we use our lips more often then not, but yes, someday we will raise babies together and when I look in her eyes I know her right into eternity. 

Life keeps going and most of the friends you have now won't walk down the aisle in front of you on your big day like you're planning, but it's life and He's good, so hold fast. You will learn to let go and trust more. It will humble you and challenge you to die more and love better, less about you really. You will learn from the mistakes and make new friends and some of will last forever. Not all of them will walk the straight and narrow road, some of them will fall off and it will shake you to the core of your own faith and this too, is good, so hold fast. It's a messy journey, one that is so worth it because we were created to be in relationship, first with the Lord and then with each other. 

The ones worth keeping will see the mess and grab a broom and look into your eyes and tell you the gospel with a single glance and you will be better because of it, and so will she and into eternity you hobble, arms linked. 

The 6 Fs of Friendship:

1.) Fellowship in real life, not behind a screen. When your midnight rolls around, and you don't know what to do, your friend behind the screen isn't going to come running so find one who will. Don't waste your time in fake friendships that hide behind typed words and never go anywhere but back and forth. It's not worth it.

2.) Forget about Facebook.  The number of friends you have, the posts on your wall, the weddings and babies and events—live in the here and  now, your own here and now because that's all you're promised. Facebook friends are great when you have an hour to kill at the airport or ten minutes waiting in line, but get out of cyberspace and invest in some real people, face to face coffee dates and all.

3.) Find your few and pursue them. Focus your attention and time. Invest in people where you are. Stop trying to get everyone to like you, stop trying to hold up some image. Just talk and be real and learn and love because that's how you are going to find the ones worth holding onto—that's where the push comes to shove and some stick around and others don't.

4.) Figure out what works for you. Are you the kinda person who needs one or two besties for life who know you better then you know yourself and even with distance that's enough or are you one who gives chunks to a handful of chosen friends wherever you are at for that season or are you one invests deeply in a many and they change with life? Figure out what works for you and pursue that.

5.) Forge ahead and stop looking back. The past it over and we can't live there. There is no way the past can fulfill current needs. Life keeps a goin' and we change and grow and wonder with it—whatever season of life you are in now, I guarantee you won't be the same person next year so surround yourself with friends who are growing and learning and moving with you. When you lose friends, press on. 

6.) Find grace and forget it. We are all sinners learning to do life together. That means it's gunna be hard and messy so give more grace then you take and forget the little stuff once in a while. Grace can sustain you through a lot, so know it better then you know the hurts and the changes and the fears. Give it freely, lavish it often.

On Saying Good Bye

As many of you know, I have had the privilege of playing "Mummy" to my two beautiful daughters this year. Each are from other ends of the earth, both cultures far different from mine, each with their own opposite personalities, various beliefs, unique passions and dreams, differing friend groups, etc yet in the midst of it all, we bonded as only a Mummy and daughter could.
I cannot begin to formulate the right words to describe the impact these two have had in my life this year. All I know is that He is faithful to provide--friends, daughters, and teachers through their lives.
As the year winds down, I wrestle in the bittersweetness of the pending goodbyes. I know my life has been changed by realtionship with these two. Much of my time outside of work or the classroom dedicated to pursuit of their hearts, a place which has brought me great joy in doing life intimately with them both. I feel as though a piece of my heart is being ripped out as I say goodbye.
Lately I stare at the ceiling at night, just wondering what will they do without me? How will they ever make it when they get back home? Prideful much...ummm yes.

The better question I avoid like a plague being, how in world will my life look without them?? What will it be like to no longer hear them shout "Mummy" as they jump into my car? As one mentioned in tears last night, Mummy, I call you everyday...I cannot imagine you just not being there. It is hard for me to imagine as well.

I have learned so much about dying to myself through them. About putting the needs of another above my own. About effectively (and NOT so effectively) being light in the darkness. About proclaiming with boldness the Truth in which I place my hope and trust. About boundaries. About walking with someone through the joys and the heartaches of life in a fallen world, nonetheless. That I cannot be the Holy Spirit, not even in my daughters' lives. They have taught me about grace--the need for it in their own lives and my own growing dependency upon it. About balance. About loving--the kind of love which has no bounds.

I hope and pray these girls know they are loved. By friends and family, by their "Mummy," but most of all by a God who loved them so deeply He sent His one and only Son to the cross to pay a price they could never pay to make a way for them to know a Holy God, a God who desires to pursue their hearts intimately not out of anything they could do to be good enough--just because He loves them, a God whose forgiveness and redemption I cannot imagine my life apart from.

So often, I desire to be the Holy Spirit. To convict, to judge the intentions of the heart, to convict some more. With my daughters that has been no exception. Still unaware of the exact proportions of meeting them in that place (wherever that may be) verses calling them out of it, speaking with gentleness verses boldness, encouraging them with Truth or challenging them with it.
Then there's the battle of my time. Boundaries really. I see the fruit begin to bud as they are distanced from the weekend parties, the stress of studies, the drama with friends. When they are imerrsed, even challenged by, quality time with myself, friends, believing community, my family. I see glimpses of light for one-- thoughts which consider the possibility of something far greater. Maybe "Mummy" is not just religious and moralistic. Maybe, just maybe. For the other our time breeds encouragement, hard questions, radical convictions. A practical guide to biblical roles as a woman, sister, daughter, future wife and mom. A weighty call to know Him and make Him known, on the other side of the world that is lost.

As I say a final goodbye to my daughters next week, we all three board planes to the ends of the earth, I pray that our lives may bear fruit which furthers the Kingdom as a result of doing life together this year.

I pray that one may boldly proclaim the gospel among unbelivers. That she would honor her family and love her friends in way which honors the Lord. That God would provide her with a community of other belivers, to challenge and encourage, hold accountable and worship alongside her. The she would not be lonely, but stand in awe of God's provision through His Bride, even on the other side of the world, trusting Him to provide again as she returns home. I ask that He would protect her from lies and discouragement. I pray for boldness that she may continue in her pursuit of Him for His name's sake alone.

For the other, I trust God is at work. I believe it is only by His Spirit at work in us that we may know Him---that we may even know our need for Him. I pray she might know her need for Him. I pray that lies would be exposed for what they are--that they would have no authority in her life. In faith, I await fruit with patience and joy for what is to come. I ask God would continue to place His followers around her. That He would captivate her heart in a way man never could. That should she find herself alone in brokenness, no where to look but up, in that moment she might look into His loving and righteous eyes, that He might pierce through the years of toil and heartache like only He can, redeeming the years the locusts have stolen.
Intrigued and hungry to bring the words of Life to a world bigger then my own, I know my life is forever changed as a result of these two women (both of whom are older then me) yet whom I am so incredibly blessed to call Daughter. He is faithful to set the solitary in families...even families across the seas.

21 Reasons I Am Thankful for You

Well, today is a special day. My bestest friend is turning twenty-one years old!!! Crazy how time flies--and how faithful He is through it all. Just thought I would share twenty-one reasons I am ever so thankful for this precious sister in Christ.

1. She always says it like it is--there's no getting around it!
2. She won't change what she believes no matter how much she stands out.
3. She knows God's word in and out, yet never tires of soaking up more.
4. She thrives off of quality time--we are a perfect match!
5. She is not afraid of confrontation--help me learn from her!
6. She is not content in America, yet continues to walk in obedience while she is here.
7. She is a lover of the poor, the broken, the least of these.
8. She understands the joy of solitude.
9. She is not perfect--and will be the first to tell you so.
10. She would hand you the shirt off her back without thinking twice.
11. She has perspective on life--that I often lack.
12. She is a teacher, but first a student.
13. She is a prayer warrior.
14. She uses her platform as a student to love on international students--to love them to Christ.
15. She is going to be an incredible mom--whether her own or some one else's.  
16. She is a dreamer--when one thing doesn't happen God's already given her ten new ones!
17. She loves her family more then they will ever understand--her mom and dad, her sisters, her brothers, her nieces and nephew, her grandparents, her aunts and uncles and cousins.
18. She is a writer--so often her words sum up the deepest cries of my heart.
19. She is learning to play the guitar all to worship her King.
20. She makes you feel at home--like you have known her forever, even the first time you meet.
21. She hates her birthday--but she loves words of affirmation.

Happy 21st Birthday beloved sister in Christ and friend of mine...may you be reminded of just how loved you are--by all of us who are so blessed to share this life with you, and most importantly by the One who gave it you. I love you Lesley Rebecca.