On Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye {Part 1}

I was eighteen and the second he sat down across from me at that long table, my eyes met his and locked in. He introduced himself and shook my hand, a Texan and a gentleman. He was young and a baby in Christ, but there was something about him that mattered. What he lacked in knowledge of scripture he made up for in his love of people and faith in this God he was just getting to know.

We were instant friends. He made me laugh like no one else. I got him and he got me. You all know it, that friendship deepened by glances that speak novels and the words spoken for mere sake of proclaiming your sanity to others. 

As we spent the next month traveling through Sydney and the outback aboringal villages with our team, our friendship deepened. Everyone knew where he was, I would be also. When silence birthed deep laughter with no obvious root, everyone knew it was just us storytelling with our eyes again. 

We were friends and I knew life would be empty upon return to the States without him. 

Months of friendship led to a move South which led to dating which led to meeting the family which led to talk of marriage which led to the holy spirit moving in my heart unexpectedly which led to me sending him home on a plane in the middle of the night, which led to tears flowing for months because I knew it was right and hated every moment of it. 

The holy spirit had begun convicting me months prior, but I wouldn't hear of it. We loved each other and we would make it work—even if we had to date for three years while he finished college until we could marry. But then God began to birth vision. 

Months of pain and heartache and longing for my friend—plenty of doubt and what-ifs and whys. Months of begging Him to let me forget, to let me go back to the time when I didn't see anything wrong with befriending a guy, when I didn't see anything wrong with dating. Months of laboring to die to self and trust in the One who could see the bigger picture of which I could only catch a glimpse. 

I told Jesus I kissed dating goodbye. And no, at the time I didn't know anything about the book. I just knew the Holy Spirit and the wise women pouring into me. To not spend any time alone with a guy my age. To respect men as my brothers and not assign them a number on the hotness scale floating through my brain within moments of first meeting them. To not pursue a man—no flirting or reaching out to them or initiating anything. And yes, it is so hard. 

To not settle for anything less then the whole "ask my daddy {who is sitting on the porch with a shotgun and cowboy boots} if you want to pursue me before you even tell me you like me." That's right, if he says no or he tells you to do x,y and z first then you won't be hearing from me.

You may call it old school or straight up crazy, and at one point, I did too.

But as the calendar flips and diamonds flash on my friend's fingers and I learn exactly where the tubberware and mixing spoons are at Target {one of the few aisles this girl on a budget can afford} and new life is plastered across my Facebook feed, little finger and toes and I swear the seconds start ticking like they're on fast forward and my world just gets a little smaller.

As I find myself wavering through single-hood, the more I have to chase my heart as it blows away with the petals down the aisle, the louder the clock inside ticks, the more I know this is good for me, this is me guarding my heart like a wellspring that I might have life, this is right.  

I am not saying dating is wrong. Okay, well I guess I am saying that for me, dating is wrong. Man, that is even hard to read, all black and white, but true. 

I am not saying God is not glorified if a relationship is not played out my way. I am just saying that experience has led me down this new path, I am learning that there is another way—that it seems old-school and counter-cultural and out of my control but the pattern of it, I believe is biblical.

And then I remember how I don't want to be of this world, how I need to guard my heart, how I am a woman and yes, my role is different then that of man—and yes I want to embrace that, not fear it, not deny it. 

After I joined an online dating website several months back {yes, I did, I know...I know...} and decided I knew better then He did, I realize I need to release the insecurity, the desire for a husband, the fear that comes with single-hood and hold fast to Christ and the convictions from which I had been running, yet the ones to which I knew all the way He was and still is holding me to.

"Does it make sense to pray for guidance about the future if we are not obeying in the thing that lies before us today? How many momentous events in Scripture depended on one person's seemingly small act of obedience! Rest assured: Do what God tells you to do now, and, depend upon it, you will be shown what to do next."  ― Elisabeth Elliot

Next week I will outline how scripture led me to this place, why it seems to make more sense biblically. I hope you will come back and join me. 

A Sweet Wedding

So on Saturday night I got to celebrate the marriage of my precious roommate and her husband. Heather and Drew starting courting and were engaged in a matter of weeks! What a blessing it was to be able to watch the whole process up close and to see God's faithfulness and perfect timing in bringing them together the way He did.

I can remember their first date...Heather really wasn't even sure she wanted to go that night! I was at a conference that night and rushed home anxious to get all the details on how it went before she went to bed. I was shocked to walk into our apartment well after 10pm to find out that she wasn't even home yet! For Heather, this is a big deal...she's pretty mindful of maintaining her 10 o'clock bedtime. I did a few things and settled down with a book on the couch. FINALLY I heard the key turn in the door.

She walked in with this giddy smile on her face and I knew in that moment he must have been pretty great, considering she wasn't even wanting to go in the first place. I asked a million questions until she shut her door on me and went to bed! She just kept saying in her sweet little girly voice, "I just really like him." It was clear that he was serious about pursuing her and that they had a lot in common--especially their love for Jesus Christ. This was just the first of many dates to follow in the weeks to come. I would say after about 2 weeks I knew this was the man the Lord had set apart for her and it was just a matter of time. I started placing bets on how long it would take him to pop the question. Turns out, I overestimated just a bit.

It was a Friday night and I headed home from work around six. I walked into the apartment and I see all of these flowers everywhere. As my eyes continue to move upwards, there's Drew sitting at our counter. This wasn't unusual though--they were doing something together most nights at this point. I said Hi as usual and walked towards my room. Then Heather walks out of her room with this weird look on her face--half elated and half speechless. As I looked up at her, I couldn't help but smile...why was she being so weird?
 
"Heyyyy. What are you two up to tonight?" I asked as I paused outside of my bedroom.
"Well," she began, "we're gettin' marrrrried!"

Honestly, I looked at her and smiled, rolling my eyes.
"Yeah right. Very funny." I murmured as I walked into my room to put my stuff down.

See, Drew and Heather have a history of taking advantage of my gullibility and I was determined not to fall for their joke this time.

I walked back out, Heather standing awkwardly in the kitchen and Drew just sitting at the countertop. I looked at him, straight in the eyes. "You're joking, right? I'm NOT falling for it this time! Nice try though."

As I walk into the kitchen and gaze more closely at Heather, it hit me; she is not kidding. It was funny because looking back I don't even think we said anything to each other in the moments to follow--as soon as I really looked at her, it hit me that she was serious. I started screaming and hugging her, begging for details. Shocked does not begin to describe what I was thinking--completely at a loss for words really. It hadn't even been three months since they had gone on that first date to get coffee!

Turns out, Drew had just proposed minutes before and they hadn't told anyone yet! Over that weekend, I watched Heather go into full wedding planning mode! They decided the big day would come not even two months later! After marrying in an intimate ceremony with family on June 26th in Napa Valley, CA, Heather and Drew had a huge reception this past weekend for all of their family and friends to join them in this celebration.

On Saturday, we all gathered to share in this beautiful celebration of two becoming one. Unlike most wedding receptions I have been to, Heather and Drew chose to have the reception to celebrate their marriage, but more importantly to share the gospel. Drew shared their story and then the man who married them, Kevin, shared a bit about the ceremony and their vows. Finally, a pastor from a local church here in Fayetteville preached a brief but impactful message about biblical marriage.

He emphasized to the men that as a husband, it is important to remember that this woman with whom you wed is only your wife here on earth. Scripture reminds us that our time here on earth is like the blink of an eye in comparison to eternity in heaven. He continued by explaining that the way a husband respects, cherishes, provides for, loves, and leads his wife on this earth is of huge importance because ultimately a man must think of his wife as his sister in Christ, more then anything else.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

That just as a man would love, honor, protect, and value his sister he is responsible for doing the same for this woman to whom he is wed. Though they are only united by a covenant bond, there will come a day when he approaches the throne and comes before the Lord He will present this woman before the Lord, having protected her, loved her, pointed her to Christ, cleaved to her through it all. He will never leave her. What a picture of what Christ has done for us. And what an incredible gift that a marriage submitted beneath the headship of Christ enables a husband to present his wife as his sister in Christ, beloved, protected, and kept pure in her time on this earth. What a responsibility a man has as a husband!

He also touched on Song of Solomon and pointed out what a beautiful picture it is that in the midst of this sinful world...while we are living on this earth amidst so much junk, the Lord allows us to see through a book like Song of Solomon that man and woman still get to enjoy pleasuring in one another as husband and wife...that there is JOY in marriage, that is so much more then getting through it til death does you part, so much more then dinners and fights and babies and grandkids...the Lord allows these two people to come together and ENJOY one another, LOVE one another in a way that doesn’t compare to any other earthly relationship. What a blessing godly marriage is.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson! Thank you for allowing all of us to celebrate alongside you and for sharing the Truth of God's word as it pertains to marriage!