On Celebrating FIVE Years of Mercy

Five years always felt like an eternity away to me. In fact, I remember dreaming up one, five, and ten years plans back inside the walls of that big white house. I tried to find them, but couldn't. It doesn't really matter anyhow, because I am certain these five years have looked so different from the plan.

And I am so thankful. In tears thankful, actually.

I never planned to be a girl in need of mercy [or Mercy Ministries, for that matter]. But the truth is, I've always needed it.

Once you were not a people, but now you're God's people.
Once you had not received mercy, but now you have. [1 Peter 2:10]

Had my life been guided by the course of my own plan, I would be a wondering soul still in need of mercy.

In fact, that about sums up my life prior to walking through those doors of Mercy Ministries. Although, I don't really know that I knew just how lost I was or how needy. God used those six months to reveal Himself to me in a way I never thought was possible for "a girl like me." Surely I had out-sinned the cross. I would never be like the pastor's wife or the faithful grandma in the back pew every week. Forget about being a Proverbs 31 gal, I could barely keep myself presentable for an hour--more or less dream of doing any of that. I never really believed He could change my life like He had people around me. It wasn't even about whether He would of not--it was that He couldn't. I was the impossible statistic with the mile-long list of all the reasons I'd never function as a normal person.

It was that mindset which fed the sin cycle that had me on a perpetually spinning sphere through those dark years. And it was moving so fast, the immanent pain of falling just kept me gripping on tighter. And spinning faster. The more I hung on that I might preserve my own life, the more death I knew. Until the spinning nearly stopped and death knocked ever so closely. After that, I knew I wasn't just a perpetually spinning person. There had to be something (or someone) spinning me and now slowing me, so to speak. I knew a lot about God. But I didn't know the redeemer of my soul.

That's about when I came through those doors of Mercy Ministries. And for the first month or so, I fought hard to jump back on that spinning wheel. It was what I'd known for over a decade, after all.

I could identify more with the girl wondering and in need of mercy then the mercy being offered to me itself. 

Lucky for us, His word calls us "a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."[1 Peter 2:9]

This fifth year of life after Mercy has taught me His plans are worth putting all of my trust in. Even when that means abandoning mine. Sometimes, that doesn't make much sense to us. Other times it's easier.

Either way, He chose me?! In my ugly, sinful, prideful mess of a self--He called me beloved, chosen, royal, holy. Then He decided to give His son in place of me that I might know Him intimately as Christ's blood washed out my sin that once separated me from Him. I deserved death and He gave me life. It's a choice of course, as when a gift is offered we're not forced to take it. But by much grace, I received it and He caused it. Of course, why stop there? Then He said nothing I could ever do would separate me from His love.

And that summed up the work Christ solidified in my heart through my time at Mercy---nothing would ever separate me from His love. I could never be too screwed up to out-sin the blood of Christ shed on that cross. I didn't have to starve or inflict pain upon myself to atone for my poor decisions because His work was enough to cover past and even future sin.

Had it been up to me, I would have left that place without ever knowing such truth.

I'm so glad that wasn't God's plan. And I'm so humbled by the men and women He surrounded me with that fought and interceded on my behalf all those years.

This fifth year of life after Mercy has led me from India back to Arkansas where I've spent the past year finishing my bachelors in social sciences [and finally got that degree!], nannying for some precious boys [to be joined by a baby sister this fall], hanging out with international friends in our awesome Cline house, and experiencing the sweet blessing of an awesome body of Christ at University Baptist Church. The sweetest of parts of this past year were none that I ever dreamed up. My plans would have led somewhere far different--and yet again I remember why it's so sweet to trust in Jesus!

Next year I'm headed back to my hometown [and home to Mercy!] of St. Louis where I am accepted into the accelerated BSN program at Goldfarb School of Nursing. At least that's where God has led thus far, but I'm learning to grip it all a little more loosely these days! And when it comes to dreaming dreams, I very much desire to be a wife and momma one day. And until then [or perhaps all at once] I still believe God's leading me overseas long-term, just whenever He gives the go-ahead.

But I'm realizing too, the here and now is really quite sweet.

Before we know it, we will be with Him in glory and I want these hours and days He is giving to make me more of a sojourner on this soil and a proclaimer of  the glory to come. With a whole lotta grace, I hope to see more men and women in need of mercy find it in knowing Him for the first time. Any role He allows me to play in that is the greatest gift I know. 

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Chirst, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. [1 Peter 5:10-11]

If you feel like reminiscing with me, what a journey...
On The Day I Arrived at Mercy

On Celebrating ONE Year of Mercy

On Celebrating TWO Years of Mercy

On Celebrating THREE Years of Mercy

On Celebrating FOUR Years of Mercy

Testimony Tuesday: Grace and Mercy

This video is a horrific account of the pain and torment caused to one precious girl as a result of the sinfulness and depravity of man. As I watched it last night, my heart broke for her as I began to fume with anger and disgust towards the men and women who forced her to live through this hell. That was when it hit me—apart from Jesus Christ, that is me. Praise Him for His grace and mercy that are lavished upon us as we approach His throne with boldness in our time of need.  

It is so easy for me to forget who I am apart from Jesus Christ. How often I forget to recall just how unworthy I am--how hopeless I am--how depraved I am apart from Him. Here I am, a twenty-year old college student, intern for a non-profit, part of a discipleship program, surrounded by precious friends and family who love me. I love the Lord with all of my heart. I want to devote my life to fighting for enslaved, trafficked, and underprivileged women. I have dreams and visions. I love to serve and bless others. I know that apart from God's abundant and gentle grace and mercy in my short life, this is not where I would be at right now. But in His faithfulness, here I am...right?

In all reality, I am desire to be identified with all of these characteristics...smart, giving, sweet, helpful, selfless, loving, devoted, steadfast...and yet it is so rare that my flesh behaves in a manner worthy of such descriptions. I have to stinking nail my flesh into submission to even begin to possess these qualities much of the time. No, all the time. It rarely comes naturally, though I would often like to believe it does. I mean, I'm a pretty good person…right?

WRONG. Really, I'm not. No one ever had to teach me how to lie...to not share...to talk back to my parents. There's really nothing good in me. I am capable of anything and everything.

I easily lavish mercy and empathy upon victims of human sex-trafficking, itching to take her hands in mine, get uncomfortably close to her face, glaring directly into her eyes to tell her that she is loved intimately, selflessly, unconditionally, forever by the Almighty Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To shake her and tell her He is enough...that He is the ONLY way to freedom. That He can save her, redeem her, and cleanse even her deepest wounds. To tell just tell her that she is forgiven and free. It is glorifying...it is powerful...it makes sense.

What doesn’t make sense is that I would behave in the same manner to share the gospel with the man who abused his little girl all those years, with the mom who sold her niece to feed the family, with the owner of the brothel from which the victim was rescued, with the lost cop who forgot about the 12 year old tied to the bed downstairs when offered an hour with her for free. Have I forgotten the depth of Christ's love for us sinners? Can I not remember that apart from Him, I am capable of making the same decisions? The craziest part of it all is that I continue to find myself battling some of the very same issues as the individuals whom I peg as the ‘worst of the worst’ sinners…as if there are some sins less bad then others. 

Without Jesus that is who I am...consumed by wounds from past abuse, addicted to pornography, enslaved to an eating disorder, and ready to give up on life. I am so far from perfect that I wouldn't recognize perfection if it hit me on the head. Recently, the desire to go back to some of those old ways has reared its hideous head once again. As I continue to trudge my way through the battle, I am graciously reminded of my sick, ugly, incomprehensible depravity in this flesh. And yet, this painful realization and confession brings me to the throne of grace with boldness, for He suffered in every way that we do, yet was without sin.

Hebrews 4:14-16 says, "Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Wow. This means He not only sees me and knows me, but He can empathize with my hurt and fleshly desires. In the midst of my complete depravity, I don’t have to feel condemned and ridden by guilt from my choices. Instead, I get to approach Christ with confidence because I KNOW that He does not convict me of guilt nor shame, but of my righteousness…my right-standing with Him. I am learning that nothing compares to falling into His mercy and grace in my time of need. And this very same mercy and grace in which He lavishes upon me in my fleshliness and sinfulness is the exact same grace and mercy He offers to all who believe that Jesus is the way, the Truth and the life—even the abuser, the addict, the brothel owner, the pimp, and the murderer. I am in need of His grace and mercy just as much as they are.