This place is getting to me. The mere thought that I could in fact commit more then 2 weeks of my life to this completely foreign land brings great joy—and great fear. Some of it legitamate, most of it my selfishness and insecurity (pride) roaring its ugly head once again. How will I communicate sufficiently? How will I get through this alone? Can man truly live on rice and rice alone—for months? Will the people trust the girl beneath the blonde curls, the one who knows nothing about their culture, not more then two words of their language? I am by no means qualified, not for this. Does He really equip those He calls? What if I get back and cant handle it? What if I get really sick? What if someone at home dies? Fear enslaves those who allow it to rule over them. Jesus, you rule over me.
Perfect love casts out all fear. So I must hope greater in this guarantees and lesser in the possibilities I fear.
Fearlessness in me says GO—it says dont even bother going back. What do you know of suffering for me? Nothing. What does my Word require of you? To go and preach the gospel to the nations. As the Spirit rises up within me, I fall to peices all over again.
Sometimes, I think we overcomplicate the spiritual things in life. There is a need. Could it be this simple? There is a need and I can meet it so why not? Is this not my calling as one of the redeemed? I think I am a victim of over-spiritualizing things, over-complicating them. The Truth, in all reality, is far less complicated then we often view it. His Word commands us to go and make disciples of all nations. To care for the widow and the orphan, to defend the fatherless. To proclaim freedom for the captives. To forsake all else for His name. To serve Him. To suffer joyfully. To preach His Word and testify to His grace. To be a lavisher of that grace. To glorify Him. To know Him more. To make Him known.
“The price is certainly high for people who don’t know Christ and who live in a world where Christians shrink back from self-denying faith and settle into self-indulging faith. While Christians choose to spend their lives fulfilling the American dream instead of giving their lives to proclaiming the kingdom of God, literally billions in need of the Gospel remain in the dark” -David Platt
These people—they have messed me up. The thought of returning to my comfortable life in America, returning to my selfish lifestyle causes a battle to well up inside—one I don't know how to fight well. I long to know Him like I do here—to place my DEPENDENCY in Him in such a way which is hindered in the US. I just want to see His kingdom come here on earth as it is in Heaven.
The modern-day gospel says, 'God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Therefore, follow these steps, and you can be saved.' Meanwhile, the biblical gospel says, 'You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, & in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore, you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do.” -Platt
The idea that this Truth flowing from my white lips could possibly be richer, more spiritual, wiser then that which flows from brown ones is absolutely insane. Yet part of meeting a need, I suppose, is coming to a point where GRACE alone anchors my soul. While the only seperation between the white and the brown are a whole lot of miles and suffering beyond my comprehension, in His grace unknown to me, He gave me life over there covered with white skin and these people, life over here in covered in brown. Grace. Thus, this idea of white (me) leaving there (America) to come here (South Asia) is not by any merit or wisdom or works or earning, but His grace alone. I pray if it is His will, all brown on this mountain will see my white skin and see only the access faith in Christ alone has given me into this grace in which we all must have to stand, that we might rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. (Rom. 5:2)
What is my life but a vapor? My time on this earth but the blink of an eye? In His grace, He STILL chose to redeem me from darkness and deliver me into His glorious light. He STILL chose to call me, to set me apart, to be a revealer of Christ. (Galatians 1) But why?
In order that I might preach Him among the gentiles, that I might be a proclaimer of GRACE to the nations!!
I often wonder what it sounds like, what it feels like to be "called to serve Christ,"particularly in an overseas context. But from what I can see in scripture, ALL of us are called simply because we profess faith in Christ.
I don't think it's being called that we doubt. At the end of it all, I think it's accepting the weight of what we have been called to. It's obedience we wrestle with—our calling and election are sure.
“My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus' words and walk away, content to settle for less than radical obedience to Him. ” -David Platt