On Grace & Coming Home

Oh Jesus, your grace astounds me.

Last night I got to preach my testimony at a revival. Usually I take hours to prepare, still doubting my words even as I approach the podium. Last night, I truly encountered the power of the holy spirit working in my heart and mind. I had an idea of what to say, what God had laid upon my heart. The greatest gift was seeing the fruit of a semester of discipline to hide God's Word in my heart.

I shared of growing up in an unbelieving home with alcoholic parents. I spoke of an emptiness and hopelessness which drove me to an attempt to end my life. I shared of God's protection over my body that night. I spoke of life and death, blessing and curse as described in Duet 30:20. I testified to the sweetness of choosing life. And then scripture just began pouring off of my lips, as though it were a new language I had been learning. It was sweet. A precious reminder of the truth that it is not by my words but only His which draw men to Himself.

I pray these people's faith may rest in Christ alone, not in me. The revival was broadcast via speaker systems over a 4 mile radius surrounding the compound, into countless villages. We were told over 1,000 sets of ears were listening.
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This year God has blessed me beyond measure to be discipled by my sweet friend Heather. After being roommates for a year, marriage stole her away from life in our little apartment at the start of last summer. This past winter, God began to burden her heart to truly disciple me—just at the same time He was teaching me a hatred for the sin I continuously have battled, one which birthed in me a desire to know Him more. When Heather presented this idea of "discipleship" to me, I was a bit taken aback. I thought this was what she had been doing for the past year and a half in a sense. She explained me to that with her time in Fayetteville coming to an end as she and her husband make a move to Springfield in July, she didn't want to leave and not see my life look different—radically so—by her move date. 

Starting in February, she took me back to the basics—this hurt my pride a bit, but radically impacted my quiet time and my knowledge of the Word. We studied how to actually study the word. A few different methods. As I began applying these to my life and using them during my quiet times, I realized I could actually understand scripture in a way I thought I could only do through listening to podcasts prior. She also encouraged me to hide His word in my heart. I began memorizing a verse a week—often missing a week or two even. 

When in India, I saw the first fruits of this labor of scripture memorization in a tangible way. God's word continually poured from my tongue—in prayer, in teaching, in sharing testimony to His faithfulness. These were not my words, but His. Words I didn't even know I knew until I said them. He spoke so boldly through my lips—what grace. At that point I realized I had to grow in this discipline—I had to continue hiding away His Word because it was so much more powerful then any words I could think up during these times. 

Without knowing any of this, my first week back when Heather and I met for lunch she said she wanted to challenge me to something. At this point I just don't much care for those words coming off of her lips because it always requires some sort of sacrifice and pain. Seriously. 

"I think you should memorize a book of the Bible," she said completely nonchalantly. 

Say WHAT?!? 

A book of the Bible—memorize. Heck no. There's no way I could do that—its enough to try to get a verse or two a week. Chapters are meant to be read—not recited. I thought to myself. She is crazier then I gave her credit. Of course by the end of our little lunch, I was {hesitantly} all in. She does that to me—every time. Makes the crazy sound completely attainable—even normal. Why not? 


So part of writing this post is accountability...to actually work at this memorization process. Part of it is to challenge you as I have been challenged. Have you seen fruit of hiding the Word in your heart as well? 
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A bit behind the "whys" of scripture memory:

These verses sanctify us by causing us to hate sin and to determine to fight it vigorously. Through memorization, we are able to stand in the moment of temptation through the “sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” (Ephesians 6:17) Therefore did the Psalmist say, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:9,11)

In addition, the word sanctifies us by transforming our entire worldview from secular to heavenly: “Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2) The “renewing of your minds” happens by the flow of Scripture through them like a pure river. As this river flows through your mind constantly, you will see things more and more the way God does, if you are a child of God... for “we have the mind of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 2:16) This gives us more and more wisdom to deal with this world.

The Scripture memorizer will be used mightily by God to teach and encourage other Christians, with an apt word from the perfect Word of God: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom...” (Colossians 3:16) How better can you obey Colossians 3:16 than by Scripture memorization? The “word of Christ” will indeed “dwell in you richly” as you memorize it, and then work it over in your mind through meditation. Then you will most certainly be useful to God to “teach and admonish” another brother or sister. Scripture builds the Church to its final doctrinal and practical maturity (Ephesians 4:13-16), and God uses those who memorize it to do this building in a powerful and eternally fruitful way.

Finally, the memorization of Scripture enables us to bless lost people with a powerful and vivid presentation of the gospel of salvation. “Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.” (Romans 10:17) Those who memorize Scripture obey Peter’s command in this regard: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have.” (1 Peter 3:15) The “preparation” Peter had in mind is best done by memorizing Scripture. Remember that it is Scripture which is “able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.” (2 Timothy 3:15) The evangelist who stores up Scripture on the life of Christ, for example, can vividly retell the miracle stories to a generation which is biblically illiterate, which knows very little about the life of Christ. That person can also give the theology of salvation from Paul’s epistles, if they have memorized those books. In short, Scripture memorization makes one a much more powerful and effective evangelist.

Memorizing Books Is Better Than Memorizing Individual Verses

Jesus said, “Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4) Paul said “All Scripture is God-breathed, and is useful for teaching rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness...” (2 Timothy 3:16) Memorizing individual verses tends to miss intervening verses that the individual does not feel are as significant. Furthermore, most of Scripture is written to make a case... there is a flow of argumentation that is missed if individual verses are memorized. Furthermore, there is also a greater likelihood of taking verses out of context by focusing on individual verses.
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I cannot believe this is my last night in India. I feel like I just got here. I am so scared of going back—going back to the same old selfish, comfortable, busy, distracted, American I am. I'm fearful of many decisions that need to be made. I'm scared of forgetting the truth you've etched into my heart during these weeks. I'm scared no one will understand. I'm scared I'll shut down and return to my old ways of coping. I fear for my sisters in Christ who are coming home with me as well. But GRACE, this I know. Whether on Indian or American soil, I will soak in your Grace through the unknowns and heartaches of this life. This I know. 

Grace in South Asia

2nd most populous country in the world.

That's over 1.21 billion people.
Which is more than a sixth of the world's population.

Living in one country.
Out of these 1.21 billion people, 2.3% of the population are professing Christians.

Over 33 million gods captivate the attention of 97.7% of these 1.21 billion souls.



And I sit and wonder...why NOT me? Why was I born here, the land of the free? Couldn't that be me living in a slum with a choice of 33 million gods to worship, no knowledge of the one ture God? How is it that in His GRACE He is allowing me to know His Word? To know Him freely? At very little cost to me in the grand scheme of things. I mean, it's not like I consider the value of my life every time I open His Word.

I don't know why. I just know that GRACE has been lavished upon me, so what more can I do but preach the Gospel of Grace to this work-driven people. So I learn, that with GRACE, comes a weighty responsiblity to preach it.

Right now somewhere on the other side of the world, a man is waiting. He is praying and trusting in the God of the universe who places food on his table each day. He is anticiapting the month of May. For at that time, a team of beleivers from America will arrive in his small village. He knows their prescence will come with Truth and encouragement. He anticipates and He prays.

Whether we are born into the slums of South Asia or right here in the US, our sinful nature instists that we can make our way to God but GRACE says we don't have to.

I've been hunkered down in Galatians the past several weeks. Galatians Ch. 1:15-16 reads:
"But when God, who set me apart from my mother’s womb and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, my immediate response was not to consult any human being."

God set Paul apart from birth...called him by grace...but why?? SO THAT I MIGHT PREACH HIM AMONG THE NATIONS. Why was Paul saved? Why did God shower GRACE on Paul? Obviously, it's not like he deserved it! He did it so that Paul would be a proclaimer of GRACE to the nations...not for him to just sit in a pew and soak in it. Private relelation for public communication.

I am excited to go overseas and testify to God's GRACE in my life, speaking the gospel message through my story as I stand before the church. I am excited to interact with a body who knows the reality of working to reach God all too well. I am humbled to speak a message of GRACE to a cuture so driven by works. After all, that is Hinduism--working to earn favor in the eyes of all these gods.

Instead of striving for perfection, this is what I must understand personally. This is the messasge I will preach. Pray they will have ears to hear and eyes to see.

Beloved, you are free. You don't have to work anymore. I've got good news: He has made His way to YOU!! He is not one of 33 million gods, He is the ONE true Lord God and He has made His way to you and you dont have to do anything. No matter what your past looks like, no matter what you were struggling with at 2 o' clock this morning, the reality is this: YOU ARE FREE BY THE GRACE OF CHRIST. He is pleased with you based soley on you identification in Him.

He has  removed your sins as far as the East is from the west. He remembers your sins no more. He cleanses you of all unrighteousness. He makes you a chosen people, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God who once did not have mercy and now you have mercy. not based on your desire or effort, but based on the desire and effort of God. He has pursued His way to you. Mercy has come running to you and you are free by His GRACE. By His GRACE you are free--and that is good news.
As I prepare to head overseas in several weeks, this is the message God is revealing. Oh Lord, help me learn to soak in GRACE, let it flow through the depths.

Ordinary Failure [James McDonald]

I have listed to a whole lot of sermons over the past several years, but this one takes number one in my book, so I thought I’d share some of what I am learning. Funny how I was drawn right to this one.

"Ordinary Failure"

James McDonald

2 Samuel 11:1-5

1.)    Prosperous times produce passive wills.

• Notice that this is taking place in the spring—this is the time when battles are fought since they cant be fought during winter because it is rainy season. Thus, David’s kingdom is prospering since God promised He would give them victory in battles.
• Normally, David always goes off to battle with his men, but this time he stayed back. Why??
• Well, most likely he was tired, lazy, unengaged, passive and struggling. We can even see this when David gets up off the couch in the middle of the afternoon—he must have been sleeping or laying there getting lost in his thoughts. It’s not normal to sleep in the afternoon, especially for someone in his position.

***Few of us can handle the temptation of inactivity.

o       You start thinking about YOURSELF, asking questions like:

o       Do I really like my life?

o       Do I want a new house?

o       Maybe I need some excitement?

o       I think I am sick of my wife—I need a new one.

o       Thus, I must be proactive in my walk with God. Moral failure such as what took place in David’s life does not happen all of a sudden—it is simply revealing a whole lot of passivity and failure over a long time. Man, I see this play out in my life over and over again.

2.)    Passive wills produce overpowering emotions.

• Obedience first—then joy will come.
• TRAIN- The engine must be obedience and our feelings the cabuse.
• The devil is a roaring lion, just waiting to devour us…all he needs is a little too much free time, a little indifference, a little depression, etc.
• THIS IS A WAR!!!
• We must have a war-time mentaility—get by on less and sacrifice more. You don’t have time to think about how YOU feel in a war.
• You must FLEE from your enemy. That means you literally run the opposite direction!

No human has the strength to resist such over-powering emotions.

ENGAGE YOUR WILL!! Call a friend…get on your knees…worship.

• We must deal with sin as it exists in our minds before it shows up in our behavior and hurts others. Oh, this is SUCH SWEET TRUTH!!! Do you HEAR THIS?
• Proverbs 25:28 reminds us to “rule over our own spirits.” A city without walls is dead.

3.)    Overpowering emotions produce perverse thoughts.

• When David heard that Bathsheba was “a wife” he should have fled…but he didn’t.
• We must stop our thoughts from becoming actions.

4.)    Perverse thoughts produce private sin.

• When we dwell on desire, yielding is just a matter of time!!
• So we go through a process something like this:
• WHY? If you only knew my past…if you could even begin to understand the pain I am in…if only you knew what happened. We all have a million “whys” to our sin.
• HOW? When you have a why, you will find a how. I’ll just stay out a little later…I just leave when it gets dark…I just tell her I’m here and go there.

All of this is in isolation. David is away from home and doesn’t get the counsel he needs.

• We must remember, God is not mocked. Proverbs 26:27 says whoever digs a pit will fall back into it. He gave us free will—He will allow us to chose life or death.

5.)    Private sin produces public consequences.

• You can be sure of one thing—your sin will find you out!
• When the weight of the sin becomes greater then the shame of being known, you will tell someone.
• One day, we will all have to give an account…He knows us, even the motives of our heart which man might never know.

A Lot Like Ananias

I have been a little more inconsistent with getting that much-needed time in the Word lately—I don’t know what the deal is, but this morning I decided to wake up an hour earlier then normal and just use that whole time to read instead of working out. I’ve spent most of the summer in Acts, and decided to go back through and review what I have actually retained over these months. As I was skimming through the stories, for some reason something stood out to me.

Now, I will say that Paul’s conversion story in Acts 9 has always been one of my favorite bible stories—I think mostly because I feel like I can relate to Him so much. I can parallel so many aspects of my life before Christ to Paul’s—for some reason I am automatically drawn to the people in scripture who were the worst of the worst before (or even while) knowing Christ. Probably because it just makes me feel better about myself—I mean I haven’t killed anyone and I am not planning on taking multiple husbands. Haha. I know, I know—sin is sin is sin. And I am definitely a sinner! I don’t know I guess I have always seen Paul as someone forthcoming about his sinfulness often and that has drawn me to him and his story.

But this time as I was reading through His salvation story, comparing myself to him along the way, the Lord very boldly pointed something out. I had never paid much attention to this disciple named Ananias in the story. I mean, it is about Paul after all. But for some reason this entire day I have not been able to stop thinking about this guy, Ananias.

Basically, the Lord came to Ananias in a vision and told him to go to the place Paul was staying and to restore his sight. I mean, really if you think about this, how could you even consider saying no to such an command—more or less questioning the one and only sovereign God when He tells you to go make someone see again. Not only would that be the coolest thing to witness, but the fact that THE LORD would entrust such a task to Ananias—what an honor.

 ¹⁰ In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias. The Lord called to him in a vision, “Ananias!”

   “Yes, Lord,” he answered.

 ¹¹ The Lord told him, “Go to the house of Judas on

Straight Street

and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying. ¹² In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.”

But of course, instead of expressing his deepest gratitude for such a task to be given to him, Ananias replies with this: 
 ¹³ “Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your holy people in Jerusalem. ¹⁴ And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name.”

I think I tried to rationalize this one out for a good hour—but immediately after reading that reply, the Lord ever so gently put that spirit of conviction deep in my gut. Courtney, sweet daughter of mine, THIS is you. Instead of obeying my Word immediately, you so easily question my wisdom. You hesitate for days, weeks, even months sometimes to obey the convictions I have placed on your heart. Precious daughter, do you not understand that my Word ALWAYS brings LIFE, and yet you willingly choose to endure death.

Like Ananias, I love to point out others faults and sins. Sometimes, I genuinely believe my purpose in life is to be the spirit of conviction for those around me…what a job He has entrusted me with—forget about restoring vision to the blind! Anyhow, more often then not, I am quick to speak and slow to listen. Quick to react and slow to obey. Quick to judge and slow to show compassion.

More then anything, the Lord has really forced me to refocus the way I view the men who traffic precious children and women. To revisit the way I view the rapist. To revisit the way I view the man who beats his wife. Like Ananias, I often cry out to the Lord...I have heard her cries…I have heard what he has done to her…I have seen death in her eyes and I know it is him who put it there. He treats her like an item to be bought and sold, abused and used, enslaved and chained. He has all the authority over her—he even has control over the corrupt authorities who use and abuse her instead of protecting her. He has come to degrade and murder YOUR daughters. And you are telling me to love them…to forgive them…to share the gospel with them…the restore their SIGHT?? They don’t deserve to see again…they don’t even deserve to take another breathe, God. Come on, don’t you know his heart? Aren’t you going to make him pay? Aren’t you just?

 ¹⁵ But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel. ¹⁶ I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.”

Go, Courtney, just go! Obey me when I tell you to forgive the unforgiveable…to love the unlovable…and to heal the abuser, the murder, or the trafficker. You just obey me and let me do the judging. After all, I am God—I do know what I’m doing sometimes...even when you may not understand it in your limited human brain. I have CHOSEN him!! I am going to use the extent of his depravity before knowing me to bring all the glory to myself now! I am going to send him to places you could never go...to reach people you would never even talk to!! And let me tell you, they will listen to Him…they will be drawn to me by the Spirit that lives in HIM!! And he will suffer—not because of his sinfulness but because of my calling upon his life. He has not known such a suffering as this. Daughter, you just pray over him and restore his sight, that he may see with new eyes. You encourage him and speak life over him. You love him, in all of his blindness, until he sees, just as I have done for you. Do you not remember, you were once blind too Courtney. You were blind, but now you see—because of me.

 ¹⁷ Then Ananias went to the house and entered it. Placing his hands on Saul, he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord—Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here—has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” ¹⁸ Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized, ¹⁹ and after taking some food, he regained his strength.

I pray that I can be like Ananias in my response. That I will obediently forgive the sinner, love the sinner, heal the sinner, for that IS ME…a sinner who has been forgiven, loved and healed. Thank you Jesus, for you blood, love and healing power. Thank you for conviction from your holy spirit. Thank you for teachable moments like these which fail to escape my heart and mind. Thank you for your patience with me, Father. Thank you for saving your children who, in the world’s eyes are the worst or the worst, the undeserving. Thank you that you do not separate sin—that your blood flows over all of it.