On Saying Good Bye

As many of you know, I have had the privilege of playing "Mummy" to my two beautiful daughters this year. Each are from other ends of the earth, both cultures far different from mine, each with their own opposite personalities, various beliefs, unique passions and dreams, differing friend groups, etc yet in the midst of it all, we bonded as only a Mummy and daughter could.
I cannot begin to formulate the right words to describe the impact these two have had in my life this year. All I know is that He is faithful to provide--friends, daughters, and teachers through their lives.
As the year winds down, I wrestle in the bittersweetness of the pending goodbyes. I know my life has been changed by realtionship with these two. Much of my time outside of work or the classroom dedicated to pursuit of their hearts, a place which has brought me great joy in doing life intimately with them both. I feel as though a piece of my heart is being ripped out as I say goodbye.
Lately I stare at the ceiling at night, just wondering what will they do without me? How will they ever make it when they get back home? Prideful much...ummm yes.

The better question I avoid like a plague being, how in world will my life look without them?? What will it be like to no longer hear them shout "Mummy" as they jump into my car? As one mentioned in tears last night, Mummy, I call you everyday...I cannot imagine you just not being there. It is hard for me to imagine as well.

I have learned so much about dying to myself through them. About putting the needs of another above my own. About effectively (and NOT so effectively) being light in the darkness. About proclaiming with boldness the Truth in which I place my hope and trust. About boundaries. About walking with someone through the joys and the heartaches of life in a fallen world, nonetheless. That I cannot be the Holy Spirit, not even in my daughters' lives. They have taught me about grace--the need for it in their own lives and my own growing dependency upon it. About balance. About loving--the kind of love which has no bounds.

I hope and pray these girls know they are loved. By friends and family, by their "Mummy," but most of all by a God who loved them so deeply He sent His one and only Son to the cross to pay a price they could never pay to make a way for them to know a Holy God, a God who desires to pursue their hearts intimately not out of anything they could do to be good enough--just because He loves them, a God whose forgiveness and redemption I cannot imagine my life apart from.

So often, I desire to be the Holy Spirit. To convict, to judge the intentions of the heart, to convict some more. With my daughters that has been no exception. Still unaware of the exact proportions of meeting them in that place (wherever that may be) verses calling them out of it, speaking with gentleness verses boldness, encouraging them with Truth or challenging them with it.
Then there's the battle of my time. Boundaries really. I see the fruit begin to bud as they are distanced from the weekend parties, the stress of studies, the drama with friends. When they are imerrsed, even challenged by, quality time with myself, friends, believing community, my family. I see glimpses of light for one-- thoughts which consider the possibility of something far greater. Maybe "Mummy" is not just religious and moralistic. Maybe, just maybe. For the other our time breeds encouragement, hard questions, radical convictions. A practical guide to biblical roles as a woman, sister, daughter, future wife and mom. A weighty call to know Him and make Him known, on the other side of the world that is lost.

As I say a final goodbye to my daughters next week, we all three board planes to the ends of the earth, I pray that our lives may bear fruit which furthers the Kingdom as a result of doing life together this year.

I pray that one may boldly proclaim the gospel among unbelivers. That she would honor her family and love her friends in way which honors the Lord. That God would provide her with a community of other belivers, to challenge and encourage, hold accountable and worship alongside her. The she would not be lonely, but stand in awe of God's provision through His Bride, even on the other side of the world, trusting Him to provide again as she returns home. I ask that He would protect her from lies and discouragement. I pray for boldness that she may continue in her pursuit of Him for His name's sake alone.

For the other, I trust God is at work. I believe it is only by His Spirit at work in us that we may know Him---that we may even know our need for Him. I pray she might know her need for Him. I pray that lies would be exposed for what they are--that they would have no authority in her life. In faith, I await fruit with patience and joy for what is to come. I ask God would continue to place His followers around her. That He would captivate her heart in a way man never could. That should she find herself alone in brokenness, no where to look but up, in that moment she might look into His loving and righteous eyes, that He might pierce through the years of toil and heartache like only He can, redeeming the years the locusts have stolen.
Intrigued and hungry to bring the words of Life to a world bigger then my own, I know my life is forever changed as a result of these two women (both of whom are older then me) yet whom I am so incredibly blessed to call Daughter. He is faithful to set the solitary in families...even families across the seas.

On A Lunchbox

It is funny how life happens sometimes. Really, I just have to laugh.

I think that sometimes the hurt is so deep, yet the reality of His faithfulness so divine that all I can do is stand in awe. This morning, I had one of these moments. I just had to laugh—to rejoice in His redemption alone.

Growing up, I dreamed of a life in which my parents were in the PTO at school, volunteered to chaperone all the field trips, and never missed the school musicals. Just the thought of someday coming home to the sweet aroma of cookies baking and toilet bowls with blue water brought me great joy. I was crying out to be a child—for that to be enough. I hungered for the little things.

I love my parents. I really do. I know that my mom worked and worked and worked to provide me with everything I ever needed. I know that being a single mom was such an impossible task—we as women just weren’t created to raise babies alone. I know that she loves me as every mother loves her daughter. And I know that no family is perfect—the aroma of sweet-smelling cookies and all. In spite of the truth I know now, there is this part of me that still craves the little things. The cookies—the blue toilet bowls—the conversations—the moments.

This morning, I had a moment. I was leaving for work and realized that I needed to bring a lunch. I was offered anything from the pantry to eat. I started making a sandwich and she came along and wrapped it up, adding a few things to complete my meal. She then realized I needed something to put it in. She reached up high and pulled out a lunchbox for me to use. She threw in some napkins reminding me that my orange will probably get messy and these will come in handy. She gave me a hug and sent me out the door.

Ten minutes later I am driving down the road and it hits me—through the tears all I can do is laugh. I can remember buying my lunch all through elementary school, even into middle school. I would sit down with my lumpy potatoes, plastic chicken nuggets, and chocolate milk carton continually glancing across the table at my friends’ lunches. Their pink and purple princess lunchboxes came full of surprises. They would pull out their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, in a perfect square with the crust cut off and sliced down the middle. They got chips and a perfectly plump chocolate treat for desert. And a juice box—always the newest and tastiest. They always had a napkin. The real sweet moms even wrote a little love note to their daughter on the napkin, or snuck in an extra treat for later.

I was so jealous. I can vividly remember crying in the bathroom one day. I just so deeply desired that kind of a lunch box—not because of the food, the colors on the box, or the napkin—I wanted the love that came in the crust-free sandwich and letters on a napkin. 

Here I am, twenty-one years old—and I finally got my lunchbox.  

And of course it wasn’t about the box—in fact it was a boy-looking lunchbox, nothing spectacular. It wasn’t even about the food—and yes, my bread still had crust on it. But it was about the moment—it was about the thought inside the lunchbox. That lunchbox was filled with love.

As I sat alone eating my lunch at work today, I simply had to bask in the moment—He is faithful to redeem the years the locust has stolen. He is faithful to meet all of my needs—even my need for a lunchbox at the age of twenty-one. And only He knows those needs, even better then I do. And oh is He faithful to provide for them, that He might be glorified in that very provision. Only He knew the joy and praise that would one day come--from a lunch box at that.

Today, I saw His intimate and persistent and selfless love for me in a lunchbox. He cares for each of us so much, that He would place me in this place on this morning with this spiritual mom to whom He told to send me off to work with a lunch in a box, and in that perfect plan which far exceeds anything I ever could have dreamed, I see HIS love for me—the depth and perfection of it. I stand in awe.

Lord, thank you for revealing your love for me in my lunch box.

I am STILL confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. -Ps. 27:13-14

On Dying and Loving: [Kisses from Katie]

 Today I spent most of the afternoon reading “Kisses from Katie,” a book that will mess up your life in more ways then I am yet to really understand. Katie was a typical teenager who simply did what God commanded. A few years later her life is half-way across the world, a mom to 14 beautiful Ugandan daughters.

I have been following her blog, for some time now, and I am always both encouraged and challenged by her words. Katie will be the first to admit that not everyone is called to sell their livelihood and move to Africa to mother a dozen babies.

And yet, God does command us of the following:

• You are to find me in the least of theses.
• You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me.
• You are to love and serve the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.
• You are to go and make disciples of all nations.
• You are to entertain strangers and leper and tax collectors.
• You are to show mercy.

You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it. No, He never says this.

I will be the first to say from experience, a life of mediocrity and abundance is comfortable—it’s safe. I would even say in our culture it is most accessible and acceptable. People question deviance from this norm. Giving up everything, opening our homes to strangers, and following Christ when you can’t see the whole plan—that is scary—and crazy in the eyes of our culture.

“But what if, just beyond that risk, just beyond the fear, is a life better then anything we have ever imagined:  life to the fullest. (John 10:10)

Not everyone has to pack up tomorrow and jump on a plane. Not everyone is called to the life of a missionary. But every day, we have a choice to make. Where we are it does not matter. We can stay nestled in our safe comfortable places and allow the fear of something that really is small compared to the greatness of God cripple us, or we can take a risk, do something to help someone else, change someone’s world.”

Katie’s words have been a gentle push in the behind, a gentle whisper in my ear, a not so gentle tug at my heart, a tug that is compelling me to die more and love deeper, right where I am at. It is compelling me to be unashamed of speaking the gospel message every time I have a visitor in my home. To cook bigger meals and welcome more international students into this apartment each week. To turn the car around and run into Walmart to get some food for the man standing on the street corner. To offer to babysit a couple times a month for the single mom struggling to make ends meet. To drop the things I think are more important and run my one of my daughters to Walmart at 10 o’ clock at night without complaint. To wash the dishes my roommates left in the sink with joy in my heart. To cut back on eating out once a week and give an extra $20 a month to the least of these.

I may not be a mother to fourteen in Africa (though I often wish I could carry such a title) but in His abundant grace, God has allowed me to play a tiny role in His perfect plan—He has allowed me to love like He loves, He has blessed me to give more, He has broken me apart, that in my weakness His glory will shine brighter then me.   

I refuse to be afraid to love…to give…to submit my control beneath the perfection and beauty of the plan He has for me and the things which He has commanded me.

“And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.”

I don’t want that to be me—to get so caught up in myself and my fears and my need for control that I am suddenly on the brink of death as a result. I desire to live the abundant life. That life comes most alive for me when it is in fact not about me. God, I pray that you show mercy in the messiness of my selfishness, that you would use me in spite of all of it, that you would allow me to represent you to the least of these, every day, wherever you have me, that I would gravitate towards loving selflessly and farther and farther away from myself.

Here is the promo video for Katie's Book which can be found at many local book stores or on Amazon!

This One is for the Moms



Me and My Sweet Mom



Mothers are created with a deep, intimate, indescribable and incomparable love for their daughters (and sons). Just as we are created to love and be loved by Christ, so a mother desires to love and be loved by her child. Unfortunately, when sin entered the world with Eve, she was suddenly unable to perfectly love her baby. I don’t know if she was too busy sewing together fig leaves to cover up her nakedness or if it was simply that sense of shame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness that crippled her from selflessly loving her baby, but I do know that from her, the very first mamma, generation after generation of mothers who would die for the well-being of their children fail at loving daily.

Today, some moms put their own needs first. Some abandon their babies all together. Others forget to say I love you and give their kiddos a warm embrace. Some end their child’s life before the baby even has a chance to live. Then there are those who give their children everything they could ever ask for if it just silences the needs of the child for a moment. Some are controlling and manipulative. Then there are many who just spit out hurtful words amidst a stressful day. Sin so destructively distorts that place where a mother’s love pours forth.

But there is good news! Jesus redeems. Jesus offers grace and mercy freely. Jesus came down to meet us in our sin and brokenness and hurt; He came to redeem what the enemy came to steal. Jesus came that mom’s may be set FREE to LOVE their children as He has selflessly loved us. We are sinners…were never gunna have it all together…nope, not even super mom. We are going to fail at loving our kids. But He never gives us more then we can bear and He always gives us a way out to stand up beneath. He has the power to break off these old mindsets. He has the power to restore relationships in the family unit. Through Him, forgiveness and healing are attainable—and freeing! In the name of Jesus Christ, generational sin—sin passed down from grandmother to mother to daughter to granddaughter is BROKEN OFF!!!

Last week I was spending some sweet time with a mother of four incredible kiddos. We were just hanging out and watching TLC. As we were just talking about the past week of our busy lives, I realized once again how much I learn from these indescribable hours of fellowship with godly moms and wives. Literally every day or night of this week I have spent hanging out with wives and moms. The Lord sets the solitary in families! How incredibly gracious and sovereign is He, that He would not only allow me to finally understand my own mom’s inability to love me well, that He would show me how very much she loves me, that He would strengthen me in this restoration process between my mom and I, and that all the while He has been surrounding me with Mother after Mother to love the stinkin heck out of me, to encourage me, and more then anything to teach me by example, by just doing life on life together, how to be a godly mom someday. Ohhhhh Lord, never let me forget your faithfulness in my life. Oh how you see me and know me INTIMATELY and LOVE me DEEPLY.

For all you mamas out there just doing the best you know how…you will never have the capacity to love your kiddos well, until you understand the depth and selflessness of Christ’s love for YOU!

Thank you mom, for always loving me the best you knew how. Thank you for sacrificing so much for me to always have everything I needed. Thank you for working hard to make ends meet day after day. You are a precious blessing in my life and I love you more then words will ever express! I am also overwhelmingly blessed by the godly wives and mommas in my life. Angel, Cindy, Meg, Ashley, Shelly, Julie, Kelli, Terri, Mama Fogt—thank you doesn’t even begin to express my gratitude for allowing me to be a part of your lives as well.   

My Beautiful Sisters!

Incredible Wives and Mamas!



Ashy and Shelly...amazing wives and mom to four!

Ash and My Mama Fogt

The One and Only Kelli Cossey :)

Me and Terri...super mom to six amazing kids!!

Precious Julie Hunter

Loveeeee this Woman soooo much!

My Big Sis and a Wonderful Wife!!!

Incredible Nurse, Wife to my big bro, Mama of 2 incredible kiddos and sweet sister!

My Sister...Incredible wife and mother of four amazing kiddos!

Greatest mama to a precious lil guy...amazing wife...loving sister!!!