Thursday, July 19, 2012

Grace for Today

Some days I feel like I am ready to tackle motherhood head on—bring on the babies, I laugh, lots of them. {Husband first would be nice}. But most days it is nothing short of amazing grace, how sweet the sound which carries me through til my weary soul and feeble knees finally collide with my mattress. Until I can finally gather enough quiet to go all introspective and greet 'control' with joy.

No where in scripture am I promised a husband, babies, or a home to run. But I just know I was created to do this—even on the days I raise my voice too high, slip in a little too much sarcasm, or pretend I'm asleep when the little fingers pound on the door—because I just need a minute. I am tasting life as a submissive, home-schooling, adoptive, country bumpkin mamma to a whole lotta babies—and it is good. I am learning from the best.

Yet, I find myself on edge lately, battling through the if onlys and what ifs of this current season of life.

What if I had never moved out to the country, been adopted into this family of a dozen? Well, then maybe I would have more friends. Maybe I would have a bit of a social life. Maybe I wouldn’t get off work to continue working well into the night—dinner, dishes, baths, and noise. Maybe my routine wouldn’t seem so mundane, so untimely for my age, so not glamorous. 

Something I am learning about life in the bosom of this family—my life is no longer my own and ultimately I am not in control of much. 

A hard, hard, painful truth to learn. Especially for a control freak like me. For someone who thrives off of alone time and never being late, stretched would be an understatement.

Good news: He is not done with me yet. Great news: His grace is sufficient. Excellent news: I have trusted in his sufficiency and leaned on grace a little more today then yesterday. 

“The answer, The answer, my friend, is not yours to invent or create. It will be decided for you. It is outside you. It is real and objective and firm. One day you will hear it. You don’t create it. You don’t define it. It comes to you, and sooner or later you conform to it—or bow to it.”  John Piper

I conform to it or bow down to it. I submit or I succumb. I trust or I break.

So, all that's left I suppose, is to conform to my place as one of twelve {"normal" for my age or not}, to submit to K's authority, and to trust what M is teaching me about biblical womanhood, laughs around the table, lil sister talks, and goodnight hugs from lil guys to be sufficient. And today, it is.

Today, I chose to confrom—submit—trust. To take refuge in His grace being suffiecnet for my here and now. Maybe not for tomorrow. Certainly not for the past. But right here and right now in this moment where the noise and bodies don't relent, His grace is sufficient. 

The slippery slope of introspection often entices me—before I even realize the bottom I have hit as a result, the sting that follows. Some days I just don’t have time {or quiet} to think. To question. To ponder. To play games in my mind.  By dinnertime, I sometimes want to run away in search of the control {my comfort} that got tossed out the back door when my feet hit the floor with the rising of the sun. 

And sometimes, this is the greatest blessing of this season of life—that I couldn’t catch it {control, that is} before it is shattered to pieces beneath me.

So today, I call the noise and bodies so numerous a blessing. Because they save me from myself.

Even when I really don't like how it feels—when I long for an enticing ride down the slope of selfishness & control—mostly because I know it so farmiliar. When pride and I get real close. Here in this place, I begin to trust the here and now over the if-onlys and what-ifs because if not for the here and now, the latter would lead me into the pit of despair. So I will chose to soak in the grace sufficient in the chaos, right here and right now. 

We are not promised tomorrow and today has enough problems of its own to devote brain cells to yesterdays. Grace sufficient for today. That's all. And praise God that's all. 

So for today, no babies for me. Praise God because I don't have the grace to handle it. For today, no worries about the additional pound or two resting in my belly after last night's burger eaten in family fellowship. Praise God because I don't have the grace to handle it. But when I was crying about it last night, He wrapped me up in grace plentiful, as sweet sleep rushed in.

For today, conquering a big meeting with WalMart at work in time to move an apartment full of {hoarded} stuff {belonging to a broken & untrusting lady who showed up at church and begged for prayer} in this 104 degree heat—followed then by birthday celebration for the big four year old—in this His grace is sufficient and I trust He will sustain. Today, that is all I need. 
Silas is FOUR today!!!

Stuff from floor to ceiling—all to be moved
But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:9

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