On The First Generation

"You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, 6 but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments."

Ex. 20:5-6

Today I got to spend the day watching my sweet nephew. I sat and grinned from ear to ear, as he told me his ABCs, counted past 10, and spelled out his name while I wrote it in chalk. He is the brightest two year old I know, of course. He would fuss about going inside or taking his nap. I told him no fussing, but to use his words to tell me what was wrong. Though my words bursting past his fleshly tears probably didn’t feel nice in the moment, he obeyed. I pray that he knows a life that comes from obedience—that he doesn’t chose to challenge it the way I have, the way most of us first generationers do.

Recently, I have had to sift my way through some consequences of generational sin. Fear which enslaves. Lies which consume. Thoughts which plague my mind over and over again. Some consequences flooding my life as a result of decisions that were not even mine, others decisions that were. I am by no means saying a genertaional curse is a means to sin. Scripute is very clear that  the generational curse is practiced, not directly passed down; rather it must be willingly accepted.  

Num 14:18 'The LORD is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He will by no means clear {the guilty,}visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth }generations.

"The generational curse is on everyone who is guilty of their own sinful behavior. The curse comes in the form of natural consequences as a result of the modeled behavior from parents and society. When a son or daughter faces the building of their moral inventory on the backdrop of willful rebelling to God, their job proves difficult. There are natural consequences to the one that chooses a sinful life apart from God. The decisions that each and every Christian and non-Christian parent makes will influence the future decisions of our children and society. Many of the issues we face today as a Christians are a result of the decisions the generation ahead of us made. We all pay for our own sins in the curse."

Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.

Let’s just be real: being the first generation to be redeemed is just plain hard. Not impossible, but hard.

I was telling a friend how smart and obedient my nephew is. She reminded me that this is how the Lord intended for it to be when you have parents who take the time to teach you the ABCs…to ask you how to spell your name over and over and over until you know it by heart. Who sit at night and rock you to sleep, praying for your future spouse. Parents who discipline you because they love you so much—it’s not pleasant, but it is in this moment you are most sure of their for you. The attitudes, discipline, and Truth passed down from our parents can radically impact our lives and our childrens lives.

Today, seeing this precious boy’s joy and obedience made my battle as a first generationer all the more light. Today, I got a glimpse of the fruit seen in the generation to come, fruit that may not come apart from my labor. Fruit that is so worth the hard I am in right now. The fruit for which I will continue to labor, with JOY. Fruit that I pray my kids will know.

Today, I am both challenged and encouraged. Challenged in the areas of my life yet to be fully surrendered to obedience. Challenged in my desire to know Christ above my flesh. Challenged in walking in the newness which has been lavished upon me. Challenged in humility. Challenged in the wrestling. I refuse to pass death to my children. This is a high calling, one which I cannot yet fully understand. I will continue to wrestle the curse. To replace the tendencies of my flesh with the disciplines of the Spirit. To replace the lies with Truth. I will cling to the hope that one day out of these ashes new life is born, beauty for ashes.

Just like my brother has fought for the fruit which I now see in that precious two-year-old heart, I pray that you give me the same willingness to wake up everyday and chose to walk in the newness. To chose to make different decisions in my life which continue to break the chains handed to me over the years.

 Oh, glorious One—thank you that out of the ashes, you make us new!!! Thank you that my kids may never carry the weight and guilt of the generations previous. Thank you that my grandkids will know even less of it. Thank you for making me new.

Thank you for using a day with a precious two year old to encourage me in the battle, knowing that this fight is no longer just about me—it is about the generations to come. Fighting this battle is demanded, even when I don’t feel like it. Thank you for Jesus—the only way we are made new.

The nations will see your righteousness and all the kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.                                  
                                                                                -Isaiah 62:2

Change Ahead

Change has always been bittersweet for me.

The past several weeks of my life have thrown me into that place of desperate dependency. Sweet with a sting of bitter.

I spent a good amount of time enslaved to a cycle—a never-ending cycle from which I could find no relief. My time was consumed by things that mattered to me far less then the ones that did. Thus, I had a decision to make. Something had to give. Classes. Work. Lightbearers. Fellowship. Serving the Church. International Students. Grades. Future Career. Time with the Lord. Time to do simple things—like blog!!

All of that to say, I had to process through a lot. Talk through a lot. Seek wise counsel. Trust that the Lord knows what I need far better then I do, even when society is screaming in my ear that I am crazy. Even when my own blood decides I am crazy.

I made the decision to withdraw from classes for the semester. To change my major. To complete my degree through College Plus. To look for a new job that is far less demanding with better pay. To do life with a precious family of eleven. To pursue knowledge of running a home, raising babies and helping my husband, Lord willing, over the knowledge found in a classroom.

Crazy, I know. Much of my family thinks I have truly gone off the deep end. It hurts, and yet it is in that place the refinement takes place.

So I run to His word:
"Large crowds were walking along with Jesus, when he turned and said: You cannot be my disciple, unless you love me more than you love your father and mother, your wife and children, and your brothers and sisters. You cannot come with me unless you love me more than you love your own life. You cannot be my disciple unless you carry your own cross and come with me.” Luke 14: 25-27

And yet, this is exactly where the Lord wants me. I have become so very dependent on Him. And I have seen His provision in such tangible ways.

One result of my decision was financial independence for the first time in my life. Finances were not looking so good. That was the reality. Literally, I had ONE DAY to get a job. ONE DAY. If I wanted to fulfill a certain deadline, I needed to create a resume, get it out, get an interview, and get the job in ONE DAY. In my mind, I had already decided I would just take out a loan. There was no way that could all happen in one day. Realistically it was impossible.

But I had forgotten that I serve the God for whom nothing is impossible. A dear friend looked into my eyes and told me I was not going to take a loan. I was going to PRAY. I laughed at her words of encouragement. I even remember thinking…that’s great and I will, but come on…there’s no way. How naïve of me. Oh LORD, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Sure enough, the very next afternoon I got a call, got an interview, and got the job. I began my new job at Everyhing Mary this past Monday. I LOVE it. It was solely the Lord—on both my end and my employers end. What a testimony to HIS faithfulness.

So here I am currently out of school, changing my major (again), working full-time, doing life with 9 little siblings up on a mountain—and I see HIS FAITHFULNESS ALL OVER THIS. Good thing He only reveals one step of the process at a time, or else I could not handle it. This was certainly not my plan and yet, it’s perfect.  

In the midst of the chaos of CHANGE, the continual doubt which still hurls itself at me over the decisions I have made, I heard Him so clearly—it was as though He were sitting right next to me, telling me “Well done, daughter, well done.”

My time is beginning to line up so much more with the things to which God has called me. I am finishing my degree this year to honor my family. I am working a great job with sweet fellowship and great potential. I am learning from a mom of nine everything from home-schooling, to raising boys different from girls, to making laundry detergent, to the reality of adoption, to serving others and on and on. I am still a busy “mummy” to two precious girls who continue to bring so much joy. Life is changing, but He is nothing but faithful.

Headed to South Asia!

In less than 3 months I am headed overseas...FINALLY!!!

It is with great fear and excitment that I am anticipating this trip. This excitment is overwhleming. The fear is paralyzing. Combined makes for an interesting thought process the past few weeks.

The fear is that I won't ever want to come back to life in America. It is easy to say in anticipation but impossible to deny once I know. That place of wisdom brings great fear. Praise be to the one whose perfect love casts it out.

The excitment is found in that reality--that I will continue to fulfill the role for which I was created, glorifying Him in South Asia.

Here is a letter I sent out to family and friends about my trip:

I am writing to share a brief update on life here in Fayetteville, as well as to extend an invitation to support me both financially and prayerfully for my upcoming mission trip this May.

Since returning to Fayetteville this past fall to continue my studies at the U of A, I have found my “home” among the international students on campus this year. The majority of my time that is not spent working at the hospital or studying for organic chemistry is spent hanging out with my two “daughters” and their friends. I am a part of a program on campus, where I get to host two international students, both of whom began calling me “Mummy” within hours of our first meeting. Both of my girls are here studying for the year, one is from South Korea and the other is from Tunisia. Watching them experience American culture for the first time has been hilarious at times, moments I would not trade for anything. We have laughed a lot—and cried, just a little family doing life together. Their personalities differ greatly, and each have taught me and challenged me in ways that I never expected, yet God knew exactly what He was doing in putting us together, and I know I have only seen a glimpse of His plan.

I have also been blessed to spend another year as part of Lightbearers Discipleship Program. As a part of the program, I have experienced the great joy, messiness, and refinement of living in biblical community with my three roommates. I am also being mentored individually, and attending a discipleship class weekly, where seasoned teachers of the Word are walking us through Applied Theology this semester. In addition to my rent money going to fund missions work in the 10-40 window, at the close of school in May, I will be going with my roommates and several others to serve in South Asia for two weeks.

As God has really begun to burden my heart for the nations the past year or two, the anticipation of this trip is growing daily. I am praying that God would use this as a springboard in my life, showing me more of what my future calling to serve overseas in a long-term capacity upon graduation might look like. I am excited to serve these people, to learn about their culture, to do daily life with them, being refined by their humility and faith in the process. This year, my faith has been challenged from learning about Jesus’ heart for the nations—and I am excited to experience His love for His sons and daughters across the world in a tangible way.     

 Lightbearers has several global partners located in South Asia whom we will be encouraging and assisting with what they are already doing in this region. We will be spending time serving in an orphanage as well as getting to know the people, many of whom rarely see a white person. We will have opportunities to testify to God’s faithfulness in our own lives, preaching the Gospel to a people hungry for Truth. In addition, we are hoping to host a medical clinic and help out where we are needed.

The reality is, I probably won’t go change the lives of thousands of women in South Asia in two weeks. But I pray that God would use me to impact eternity in some way—and that my life would look different as a result of this trip. That He would use it to continue shaping and molding my heart for the nations. Whether or not I am called to return, I honestly don’t know—but I do know that His love for the nations echoes from Genesis to Revelation and my job is simply to obey what He has called me to do right now—and that is to go serve in South Asia this May.

In preparation for this trip, I need your help in two ways: financial support and prayer. The total cost of the trip is about $3,000 which covers travel expenses, meals, accommodations, and supplies. The first $1,500 is due by March 15^th in order to book the plane tickets. The second half will be due May 1^st. If you feel led to support me, please make checks payable to Lightbearers ministries and mail to PO Box 9911 Fayetteville, AR 72703. For tax purposes, do not include my name anywhere on the check, but just write it on the envelope. All donations are tax deductible.

Please be praying for the people of South Asia, for the Holy Sprit to begin to prepare their hearts. Also, please lift up Lightbearers Ministries, specifically for unity among the team of students and leaders who will be accompanying me in this journey. Pray for our financial needs to be met fully and quickly, as well as for the Lord to just continue to burden our hearts for this nation and the people we will be doing life with. 

With Love,

Courtney 

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.”                                                                              -Isaiah 61:1

Life in Photos

Here are some pictures from the last couple months....life has been busy and full of changes recently, but oh so sweet. LOVE getting to spend most of my time with my daughters and their internaitonal friends, as well as my "adopted family."

Clinging to this Truth: "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."
-Ps. 33:8

Fun night of bowling with international friends and my daughter :)

Seoguen cooked a Korean dinner for my "adopted family!" All eleven of them!!

 My daughter Emna helping out at an international event...holding the sweet baby!

 I am tellin' ya what...this has got to be one of my greatest purchases ever...use it at least three nights a week! It even has a steamer for veggies and meat on top while it cooks the rice. Great for having my Korean friends for dinner as well!

 My daughter's 23rd birthday!!! She is older then me...crazzzzy.

LOVE making pesto!! I think I have finally perfected my recipe too!

Emna is in the kitchen! She cooked this DELICIOUS Tunisian meal for a dozen of us!! So fun. And yes that is a pot on my kitchen floor in the corner...we ran out of room on the stove, so the potatoes ended up on the floor!

Seoguen decided to put on my roommate's onesie...so cute!

On A Lunchbox

It is funny how life happens sometimes. Really, I just have to laugh.

I think that sometimes the hurt is so deep, yet the reality of His faithfulness so divine that all I can do is stand in awe. This morning, I had one of these moments. I just had to laugh—to rejoice in His redemption alone.

Growing up, I dreamed of a life in which my parents were in the PTO at school, volunteered to chaperone all the field trips, and never missed the school musicals. Just the thought of someday coming home to the sweet aroma of cookies baking and toilet bowls with blue water brought me great joy. I was crying out to be a child—for that to be enough. I hungered for the little things.

I love my parents. I really do. I know that my mom worked and worked and worked to provide me with everything I ever needed. I know that being a single mom was such an impossible task—we as women just weren’t created to raise babies alone. I know that she loves me as every mother loves her daughter. And I know that no family is perfect—the aroma of sweet-smelling cookies and all. In spite of the truth I know now, there is this part of me that still craves the little things. The cookies—the blue toilet bowls—the conversations—the moments.

This morning, I had a moment. I was leaving for work and realized that I needed to bring a lunch. I was offered anything from the pantry to eat. I started making a sandwich and she came along and wrapped it up, adding a few things to complete my meal. She then realized I needed something to put it in. She reached up high and pulled out a lunchbox for me to use. She threw in some napkins reminding me that my orange will probably get messy and these will come in handy. She gave me a hug and sent me out the door.

Ten minutes later I am driving down the road and it hits me—through the tears all I can do is laugh. I can remember buying my lunch all through elementary school, even into middle school. I would sit down with my lumpy potatoes, plastic chicken nuggets, and chocolate milk carton continually glancing across the table at my friends’ lunches. Their pink and purple princess lunchboxes came full of surprises. They would pull out their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, in a perfect square with the crust cut off and sliced down the middle. They got chips and a perfectly plump chocolate treat for desert. And a juice box—always the newest and tastiest. They always had a napkin. The real sweet moms even wrote a little love note to their daughter on the napkin, or snuck in an extra treat for later.

I was so jealous. I can vividly remember crying in the bathroom one day. I just so deeply desired that kind of a lunch box—not because of the food, the colors on the box, or the napkin—I wanted the love that came in the crust-free sandwich and letters on a napkin. 

Here I am, twenty-one years old—and I finally got my lunchbox.  

And of course it wasn’t about the box—in fact it was a boy-looking lunchbox, nothing spectacular. It wasn’t even about the food—and yes, my bread still had crust on it. But it was about the moment—it was about the thought inside the lunchbox. That lunchbox was filled with love.

As I sat alone eating my lunch at work today, I simply had to bask in the moment—He is faithful to redeem the years the locust has stolen. He is faithful to meet all of my needs—even my need for a lunchbox at the age of twenty-one. And only He knows those needs, even better then I do. And oh is He faithful to provide for them, that He might be glorified in that very provision. Only He knew the joy and praise that would one day come--from a lunch box at that.

Today, I saw His intimate and persistent and selfless love for me in a lunchbox. He cares for each of us so much, that He would place me in this place on this morning with this spiritual mom to whom He told to send me off to work with a lunch in a box, and in that perfect plan which far exceeds anything I ever could have dreamed, I see HIS love for me—the depth and perfection of it. I stand in awe.

Lord, thank you for revealing your love for me in my lunch box.

I am STILL confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. -Ps. 27:13-14

Ordinary Failure [James McDonald]

I have listed to a whole lot of sermons over the past several years, but this one takes number one in my book, so I thought I’d share some of what I am learning. Funny how I was drawn right to this one.

"Ordinary Failure"

James McDonald

2 Samuel 11:1-5

1.)    Prosperous times produce passive wills.

• Notice that this is taking place in the spring—this is the time when battles are fought since they cant be fought during winter because it is rainy season. Thus, David’s kingdom is prospering since God promised He would give them victory in battles.
• Normally, David always goes off to battle with his men, but this time he stayed back. Why??
• Well, most likely he was tired, lazy, unengaged, passive and struggling. We can even see this when David gets up off the couch in the middle of the afternoon—he must have been sleeping or laying there getting lost in his thoughts. It’s not normal to sleep in the afternoon, especially for someone in his position.

***Few of us can handle the temptation of inactivity.

o       You start thinking about YOURSELF, asking questions like:

o       Do I really like my life?

o       Do I want a new house?

o       Maybe I need some excitement?

o       I think I am sick of my wife—I need a new one.

o       Thus, I must be proactive in my walk with God. Moral failure such as what took place in David’s life does not happen all of a sudden—it is simply revealing a whole lot of passivity and failure over a long time. Man, I see this play out in my life over and over again.

2.)    Passive wills produce overpowering emotions.

• Obedience first—then joy will come.
• TRAIN- The engine must be obedience and our feelings the cabuse.
• The devil is a roaring lion, just waiting to devour us…all he needs is a little too much free time, a little indifference, a little depression, etc.
• THIS IS A WAR!!!
• We must have a war-time mentaility—get by on less and sacrifice more. You don’t have time to think about how YOU feel in a war.
• You must FLEE from your enemy. That means you literally run the opposite direction!

No human has the strength to resist such over-powering emotions.

ENGAGE YOUR WILL!! Call a friend…get on your knees…worship.

• We must deal with sin as it exists in our minds before it shows up in our behavior and hurts others. Oh, this is SUCH SWEET TRUTH!!! Do you HEAR THIS?
• Proverbs 25:28 reminds us to “rule over our own spirits.” A city without walls is dead.

3.)    Overpowering emotions produce perverse thoughts.

• When David heard that Bathsheba was “a wife” he should have fled…but he didn’t.
• We must stop our thoughts from becoming actions.

4.)    Perverse thoughts produce private sin.

• When we dwell on desire, yielding is just a matter of time!!
• So we go through a process something like this:
• WHY? If you only knew my past…if you could even begin to understand the pain I am in…if only you knew what happened. We all have a million “whys” to our sin.
• HOW? When you have a why, you will find a how. I’ll just stay out a little later…I just leave when it gets dark…I just tell her I’m here and go there.

All of this is in isolation. David is away from home and doesn’t get the counsel he needs.

• We must remember, God is not mocked. Proverbs 26:27 says whoever digs a pit will fall back into it. He gave us free will—He will allow us to chose life or death.

5.)    Private sin produces public consequences.

• You can be sure of one thing—your sin will find you out!
• When the weight of the sin becomes greater then the shame of being known, you will tell someone.
• One day, we will all have to give an account…He knows us, even the motives of our heart which man might never know.

On Dying and Loving: [Kisses from Katie]

 Today I spent most of the afternoon reading “Kisses from Katie,” a book that will mess up your life in more ways then I am yet to really understand. Katie was a typical teenager who simply did what God commanded. A few years later her life is half-way across the world, a mom to 14 beautiful Ugandan daughters.

I have been following her blog, for some time now, and I am always both encouraged and challenged by her words. Katie will be the first to admit that not everyone is called to sell their livelihood and move to Africa to mother a dozen babies.

And yet, God does command us of the following:

• You are to find me in the least of theses.
• You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me.
• You are to love and serve the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.
• You are to go and make disciples of all nations.
• You are to entertain strangers and leper and tax collectors.
• You are to show mercy.

You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it. No, He never says this.

I will be the first to say from experience, a life of mediocrity and abundance is comfortable—it’s safe. I would even say in our culture it is most accessible and acceptable. People question deviance from this norm. Giving up everything, opening our homes to strangers, and following Christ when you can’t see the whole plan—that is scary—and crazy in the eyes of our culture.

“But what if, just beyond that risk, just beyond the fear, is a life better then anything we have ever imagined:  life to the fullest. (John 10:10)

Not everyone has to pack up tomorrow and jump on a plane. Not everyone is called to the life of a missionary. But every day, we have a choice to make. Where we are it does not matter. We can stay nestled in our safe comfortable places and allow the fear of something that really is small compared to the greatness of God cripple us, or we can take a risk, do something to help someone else, change someone’s world.”

Katie’s words have been a gentle push in the behind, a gentle whisper in my ear, a not so gentle tug at my heart, a tug that is compelling me to die more and love deeper, right where I am at. It is compelling me to be unashamed of speaking the gospel message every time I have a visitor in my home. To cook bigger meals and welcome more international students into this apartment each week. To turn the car around and run into Walmart to get some food for the man standing on the street corner. To offer to babysit a couple times a month for the single mom struggling to make ends meet. To drop the things I think are more important and run my one of my daughters to Walmart at 10 o’ clock at night without complaint. To wash the dishes my roommates left in the sink with joy in my heart. To cut back on eating out once a week and give an extra $20 a month to the least of these.

I may not be a mother to fourteen in Africa (though I often wish I could carry such a title) but in His abundant grace, God has allowed me to play a tiny role in His perfect plan—He has allowed me to love like He loves, He has blessed me to give more, He has broken me apart, that in my weakness His glory will shine brighter then me.   

I refuse to be afraid to love…to give…to submit my control beneath the perfection and beauty of the plan He has for me and the things which He has commanded me.

“And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.”

I don’t want that to be me—to get so caught up in myself and my fears and my need for control that I am suddenly on the brink of death as a result. I desire to live the abundant life. That life comes most alive for me when it is in fact not about me. God, I pray that you show mercy in the messiness of my selfishness, that you would use me in spite of all of it, that you would allow me to represent you to the least of these, every day, wherever you have me, that I would gravitate towards loving selflessly and farther and farther away from myself.

Here is the promo video for Katie's Book which can be found at many local book stores or on Amazon!