Friday, December 23, 2011
Created for Something More
This past week has been much of a blur. The battle of feeling as though I was created for a world far different from this one rages wildly within my core, a storm within destroying the little wall of protection I had built up the past months.
A wall built of bricks. Each one locking into place as my (deicetfully wicked) heart has so quietly nestled its way into the confidence of this life over the next. Is it not so easy to be decieved? To believe that instant gratification far exceeds what is to come. To be convinced that a title or money or a new outfit is going to make us feel better...lighter somehow, more free. Are we not constantly longing for intimcay with others? Friends, parents, roommates, siblings, our spouses (or spouses to be!). Searching through the crowds for the ONE that is supposed to stand out.
What is it that brings lasting satisfaction, contentment of our souls, in this life?
I have searched high and low. I have tried these other things. I have found nothing but Christ and Christ alone which brings such as this.
So if I really beleive that my life comes from Christ--that eveything I do and say and think and feel stems from a desire, a necessity really, to know Him above all else, then it would make sense that I feel lost in a world that screams otherwise.
It makes sense. And yet it is frustrating, a battle that will not simmer down within me.
This is personal--it is an attack of the supernatural designed to peirce the core of the "have nots" in my life.
For instance, I feel as though I should be spending an hour in front of the mirror, primping and proding my hair into perfection, running out the door with a man at my side--out to take on the world, oh and have some fun while we're at it.
I feel as though I should stay out late--hanging out and flirting from across the room.
I feel as though I should be content watching some silly chick flick, regaurdless of what I hear or see in the process.
I feel as though I should be a normal college kid...squeling with excitment over a homecoming victory last week, celebrating late into the night.
And yet somehow what I FEEL I should be doing in order to be like everyone else is so far from the reality of my life.
Most days, it is a noteworthy victory to even get a shower. The application of makeup to this face--well that is like a miracle. Jokingly I think to myself, a boy? What does one even look like?
Most days, I am in bed before it's even dark outside. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. Most days, I am the first of my roomies to shut my door and turn off my light.
Most days, my stomach begins to turn as I walk by a TV blaring thougthless langauge and scene after scene of intimacy, frustration hunkering up from somewhere within that is unfarmiliar to me.
Most days, I look at college life and walk a little more quickly in the direction of home, looking to my future of leggings, blanket and a book on the couch with anticipation.
I do not feel like I belong in this world--especially in this world of college. Sometimes, I beg and plead for the Lord to just give me the ability to simmer down and be more "fun," whatever that means. This weekend I became so angry--so frustrated by my lack of "funness" if that's even a word. Comparision always destroys.
Almost two months after writing this post, I still don't have any answers and the battle continues to war on, lighter some days then others. And yet, I am learnng to be content where ever He has me at. If that is at a party with international studnets where I feel as though I am out of place, if that is in the classroom learning things that contradict my beleifs, if that is at home with my roommates who are pursuing different thing then me, if that is alone in my room weeping over my inabilty to measure up to this fantasy I have in my head, over the fact that I may never have it all together, over the fact that I will never find contentment in this life.
Praise God that my heart is deicitfully wicked and that my feelings are not my Truth. Praise to Him, for His word is perfect and unchanging. He is perfect and unchanging. That is my only hope, my only promise, my only place of peace in this life. Oh Lord, give me those eyes to see and ears to hear--to see and hear YOU over all the rest.
Daniel 9: 17-19
17 Now therefore, O our God, listen to the prayer of your servant and to his pleas for mercy, and for your own sake, O Lord,[a] make your face to shine upon your sanctuary, which is desolate. 18 O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations, and the city that is called by your name. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy. 19 O Lord, hear; O Lord, forgive. O Lord, pay attention and act. Delay not, for your own sake, O my God, because your city and your people are called by your name.”