Thursday, September 29, 2011

That Litte Red Ink Mark

I cannot remember a time in my life I have not battled it out with perfectionism. From the way I look, to the clubs I join, to the sports I play, to the friend I am, to the grades I earn--anything less then the best is simply failure.

I have experienced the rule of perfectionism over my every move and I have also walked through seasons of it merely uttering whispers in my ear. Either way, it is always there--taunting, blaming, daring, controlling, lingering.

I am so tired of continually falling short of this one I have so innocently befriended over the years.

I haven’t written much lately--life has been crazy. School has ruled over my life above all else the past several weeks. Then add discipleship program, bible studies, roommate time, international ministry, card-making, cooking, cleaning, entertaining, and a bit of sleep--blogging simply hasn't made the cut. Along with working out and lazy afternoons of reading of course. Why is it I so instinctively cut out the very things that aide in my ability to remain sane on the given day--the very things that create a pathway to knowing Christ more and making Him known? Is that not the core of my creation?

Oh Lord, forgive me once again for making an idol of a red ink mark on a piece of paper--or I guess more like a number typed on a spreadsheet on the computer screen, to my generation. The only red ink marks that should take priority in my life are the ones you uttered so long ago. Despite the time that has passed, regardless of the transformation of words in a book to text on a cell-phone screen, your WORD is unchanging and life-breathing to me.

Over the past several weeks in which I have found myself a slave to academics, I have consistently bombed test after test---Oh YES, the Lord does have a sense of humor sometimes. But don't worry, now that my oozing wounds and straight-up failures are open for all to see, let me just say--I am DONE befriending perfectionism.

Not because I failed. Not because I am worn out. Not because I am desperate to try anything else to obtain the grades my friend tells me I need.

I am done befriending perfectionism because the red mark at the top of the page does not tell me who I am or what I am worth. That red ink is not Jesus.

As I have learned this week with tests getting moved around and a new one added, there is always going to be another test to study for, another opportunity to be defined by the red mark, to drop everything else and live enslaved. I refuse to continue to be a slave to a number on a piece of paper when I know who my Master is. An all consuming fire, jealous for ME and desiring my affections--all of them.

Perhaps, sometimes, life is not just red ink.

I cannot live in the black and white world academia, but I must learn to be comfortable in the grays of living my life unto Christ and knowing Him more then anything else, while glorifying Him in that process--in relationships, in school, in cleaning and cooking, in scrapbooking, in working out.

Thank you Lord for speaking to me through precious sisters in Christ. Thank you for fighting for my affections. Oh, yes, you are worthy of them all. Forgive me for ever thinking otherwise.

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